Numb to the feeling

No choices

Y

My hands shaking slightly and my pulse beating faster than normal, I felt a few drops of perspiration being absorbed by my cap. I tried to stay as motionless and stable as possible on the bench of one of the coffee tables. Granted these few minutes to Ryujin was perhaps and certainly not the best thing to do. I was in reconstruction, I'm still looking for myself, after all these years I want to get to know myself as much as I can but how if I let the past, her, break everything I rebuilt ?

These thick black safety boots producing a sound that was getting closer and closer to me. My pulse accelerates and I can prevent myself from removing small skin in the corner of my thumb. The ray of sunshine that was placed on the table disappeared indicating the presence of Ryujin right in front of me.

Do I have the right to let her talk to me ? After all the harm I inflicted on her, am I selfish to want to talk to her even for a few minutes ? Am I legitimate to talk to her ? What if she just wants to grieve properly and remove me for good in her life ?

The sound of her dark blue cargo ship on the material of the bench makes me regain my senses. She was in front of me and it was now the moment I had been imagining for years if I would ever see Ryujin again. What will happen ?

"You okay ?" She says, her voice mixed with worry and irritation. I nodded still looking at my hands not wanting to look into her pupils.

She took a deep breath and intertwined her two hands firmly. The ray of sunshine hitting her back allows me to see her less clearly, and I observe her silhouette in more detail.

Her slightly pink lips opened to let out the sound of her voice and what she was going to tell me.

"I'm glad you're safe, for real." She said taking a deep breath and I finally looked up to find her look but she was looking at her hands.

"I can't help it but fuck, I kinda panicked knowing you were unsafe." She said frustrated still looking at her hands and I let her continue.

"After all these years, I still feel you in my daily life, you are anchored in me. These years spent together taught me how to live and how to be, with you life was so...possible ? No matter what happened, we shouldn't blame you, me or us. If it happened, it was because there was a reason. If 10 years later I'm sitting in front of you right now, it's maybe what had to happen. And maybe we are not anymore the same people who loved each other as we were but we are two adults capable of relearning to know each other and desire each other."

She took out her last word and I finally breathed, I didn't even know I was holding back from breathing. My eyes always glued to hers, my hands sweating and my heartbeats much too strong for normal.

I expected everything but that, these choices of words, her tone, her feelings, the way to bring the situation. I had no idea that she felt that, after all these years. Putting the blame on no one was perhaps a good idea, but what does she mean by that ? What does she wants ?

Her eyes finally found mine, her pupils deep black, and the brown around to soften her look.
I tried to get my voice back but no sound came out, I put my cap back in place and cleared my throat.

"I- I don't really know what to say right now." I said softly. "Took me off guard if I'm honest."

She chuckled softly lowering her head and found my gaze again.

"No need to say something." She smiled right into me. I arched my eyebrows kinda confused.

She suddenly got up, the sound of the leather of her big boots, her hand in her blonde hair putting them back. My mouth still open cause of the lack of understanding, she then stretches out her hand in front of me.

I gave her a confused look and she didn't move.

"I can't stay here the whole night, I have a demoniac family to feed you know." She sarcastically said and I chuckled.

I finally took her hand, the contact of our skins against each other, after all these years gave me the same sensations and even new ones. The softness of her warm skin against my frozen skin from the stress and fear of earlier. She tightened her fingers around my hand and gave me a smile.

"Let me take you home so we can talk on the road." She said guiding me to the exit.

"Well I have my car here-" I was about to say but she stopped me.

"I'll drive you at work tomorrow morning then, you leave me no choices." She sighed sarcastically and I rolled my eyes. She never changed.

She chuckled and we both entered her car, I mean her company car. And the car started, leaving me in a feeling that I had not felt in a while, feeling light.

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Having hard times lately but I love writing with theses two characters, hope you enjoyed & sorry for the wait.