Like A Villain - I Love Noah Sebastian-

36. Will You Return Cold?

The next morning wasn't an easy one. It was rainy and grey, matching my gloomy feelings.

After Noah had found out about my habit yesterday, and when we made it home he immediately insisted I flush the rest of the drugs I had or he threatened for me to leave. Of course I complied with no resistance, even though I was already physically hurting with withdrawal. I had to talk him out of calling Shannon and cussing her out, scared that her boyfriend would retaliate. Instead, I promised Noah I would give my notice and never go back there. He watched me as I blocked and deleted Shannon's number out of my phone.

We went the rest of the day barely speaking and avoiding each other. I was relieved he previously said he wanted to work things out, but on the interim, he was being rather distant and cold.  Deep down I had a feeling he was already changing his mind again and wanted to just give up. He was clearly  still mad about everything and the way in which he found out, and I could admit I deserved the tough love.

It still hurt though.

Noah had spent the previous night on the couch downstairs and it pained me that he was avoiding me all night and all morning. I had no appetite, and I only was able keep down a little bit of tea, feeling like I had been hit by a bus. I was very much having a craving already, and my entire body was throbbing with withdrawal. I had managed to pack a bag full of my belongings that I would need over the next 28 days trying my best to emotionally keep it together.

After I finished packing, the house was still silent as I made my way downstairs to the kitchen and I sat at the table, feeling as if I was in a weird dream. I still found it surreal how easily I crashed and burned after the loss of our baby, and this was a lesson that I couldn't just keep my feelings pent up inside. I needed to face my grief head on, no matter how much it hurt. I sat there for a while, waiting for my ride, not able to calm my racing thoughts. I couldn't stop worrying about what my life would look like over the next month. Would I be myself again or would I forever crave getting a fix? Would Noah still love me, or would he leave while I was away? What was I going to do for work and how would I support myself?

I tried to reel myself in before the anxiety attack began...trying to focus on the present and getting myself through the next 24 hours. The plan was, Jolly was going to be the one to give me a ride to the clinic to begin detox. I didn't feel comfortable asking Noah and I didn't want to trouble him any further. From there, after getting me stabilized, they were going to transport me to a rehab facility out on the west coast for further treatment. It was the same place Noah had been to before and I had some relief in knowing that their program was one of the best in the country.

It was nearing the hour that we were supposed to get going, and I heard Noah clearing his throat behind me. I bit my lip nervously, looking over my shoulder. He was standing there in his pajama pants and tank top, his short hair disheveled and his beard starting to slightly prickle through his skin. The bags under his eyes made it evident he didn't sleep much, and he looked like he was just getting around to starting his day. Barely.

"Hey." I whispered.

"Hey." He came and sat at the table opposite of me, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. We weren't making eye contact, and it was killing me that he was so standoffish. I could tell this was effecting him immensely, and the twinge of guilt exploded in my chest. "I wanted to say goodbye and see you off."

I nodded a little and my trembling hands were resting on the table top. I glanced at the shimmering ring on my finger, and felt the urge to just speak my mind and get everything out into the open.

"Noah...listen...if at any point you decide you don't want to do this anymore...I won't fight you on it..." I sighed shakily. "I wouldn't blame you at all."

He shook his head looking frustrated which actually took me by surprise considering I was convinced he hated me. The last thing I wanted to do was piss him off more, but I had a feeling no matter what I said it was going to irritate him right now. I was on very thin ice.

"What are you even saying Eve? It's like you don't even hear me. I already told you last night how I feel. I'm obviously not happy with you right now but we will get through this. I just...I just need some time. I've barely processed this and now you're leaving for a month...it's just a lot."

I bit my lip and looked at him sadly, wishing I could go back in time and fix all of this.

"Noah, all we've ever done since we started this relationship was struggle and fight...and it's been five years but it feels like-"

"20!" Noah cut me off. "It feels like an eternity! Because we truly fucking love each other Eve. When we first started, of course shit was easy...but everything isn't going to be smooth sailing... but we are supposed to make it work... because I will do anything it takes to be with you."  I couldn't stop my lip from trembling, feeling a familiar lump in my throat.

"I do think you love me Noah...and you know I love you more than anything...but sometimes that isn't enough. And for such a long time I've been wondering if you only stay with me because I'm familiar. I don't think I make you happy."

He furrowed his eyebrows and his mouth slightly opened in disbelief.

"Wow. That's not true, and you know it!" He argued passionately. "You give me purpose Eve..." he sighed heavily. "Every time I fucked it up and thought I lost you I felt like I had no reason to fucking exist anymore," he bounced his leg with nerves keeping his arms crossed. "You loved me through every stupid thing I did, and you didn't deserve any of the shit I put you through. It's my turn to be there for you and love you through this like you did for me. This is the first time in our entire relationship that you've ever needed me, Eve and I plan on being there every step of the way. And I know I've been hard on you...but it's only because I love you so much...I need you. I need you to come home to me, happy and healthy," he sighed and reached his arm across the table, laying his inked hand on top of mine and rubbing my skin with his thumb. "I'm going to be here for you when you get back...I promise you that. I can't let you give up on us...if I ever lost you...that would be fucking it for me..."

I glanced at him and his eyes were teary, suffocating my heart with anguish. My tears mimicked his and I entangled my fingers with his.

"We're going to make it through this." He reassured me again and I nodded looking back at him. We heard the door open and close and we saw Jolly appear around the corner and he leaned against the doorway giving me and empathetic look.

"Hey...ready to go kid?"

I sadly nodded and Noah followed me to the living room to help with my bags. Jolly insisted on taking them to the car himself, wanting to give us alone time to say goodbye. Before Jolly headed back outside, Noah gave him a hug full of gratitude, appreciating that the guys loved us like family and were like brothers to him and I. We were never alone in anything.

Right before the door, I turned around to look at Noah. I could see the sorrow in his eyes but he was trying to stay strong for me. I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me into him, and I clutched onto him not wanting to let go. I was so scared and didn't know what to expect. I wished I could take him with me...but I got myself into this mess in the first place. It was only up to me to repair it.
He buried his nose into my hair and I closed my eyes trying my hardest to keep my tears in.

"28 days is nothing, babe. We've been apart for so much longer...and I'll be right here when you get back. I love you so much." He whispered into my hair.

"I love you too." I sniffled and I finally broke away to look at him through my hazy eyes. He gazed back at me then leaned down giving me a passionate kiss. As angry as he still was at me, the undivided connection we had was still very much real. He wiped my cheeks with his thumbs and he watched me out the side window as I walked to Jolly's car. I had to force myself to look straight ahead, confident that if I looked back at Noah, I wouldn't remain strong enough to  go.