Like A Villain - I Love Noah Sebastian-

37. Did You Think I Couldn't Break These Chains?

When I made it to the clinic, they had me go through intake and my nerves were absolutely shot. They asked me about my past drug of choice and the last time I used. It didn't take long before they took my vitals and drug tested my urine to see what was in my system. I was well aware of what I took, but they wanted to be sure so they could begin treatment properly. As I sat on the examination table, I allowed my feet to swing as I contemplated on if this was truly the right thing to do. It was becoming so real for me that I was going to be disconnected from everyone I loved for four long weeks and I could feel the panic inside me start to rise.

I don't know how long I had to wait but eventually the door opened and I was met with the doctor that greeted me along with the other staff when I first arrived to the clinic.

"Hi Ms.Ransom. How are you feeling?" She asked sitting on a stool in front of me at the desk.

"Uh...just really tired and a little sore." She put down her paperwork in front of her and looked at me empathetically.

"Well, so here's the thing. We were going to send you off to our sister program in California, but there's been a slight change of plans. We were going over your urine sample and it actually turns out you're pregnant."

My legs stopped nervously swinging as I froze. I swear time stood still and my heart stopped beating and fell right down deep into the pit of my stomach.

"W-what?"

She realized I was taken by surprise and she slightly tilted her head and rested her hand on my arm to comfort me.

"It's going to be okay hun. We are still going to treat you and supervise you during your withdrawal process to ensure that you're as comfortable as possible. But considering you are early in your pregnancy and you are at high risks for complications, we don't feel it's in your best interest for you to go across the country. Our plan is to keep you here and have you complete the two week program, then from there we will discuss a local outpatient program." My eyes watered as I thought about how hard this was going to be to tell Noah. The guilt instantly turned to nausea, having an epiphany that I had been using and didn't know I was pregnant.

"Oh my god...is the baby going to be okay?" I started to sob and felt like the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. I was hurting my unborn child and I was already failing. I didn't deserve to be a mother, or this baby. How did I ever become this? I'll never forgive myself.

"The bloodwork we ran on you looks normal and you've come to the right place at the right time." The doctor consoled me. "You're about 3 weeks along and you are very early in your pregnancy. We're going to get you healthy so you can be your best self. It's going to be okay sweetie. The nurse is going to come in shortly to medicate you and help get you started on an intravenous. We need to keep you hydrated and we're going to get you something to help get you a bit more comfortable okay?" I nodded and tried my best to hold back my tears. The racing thoughts began, thinking about what I wanted to do. Of course, I wanted to keep the baby, but if Noah didn't want to do this with me, then I don't know if I could do it on my own. I had the next two weeks to think about exactly how I was going to break the news to him.
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The next 13 days were some of the hardest days I had ever experienced. They tried their best to help with the pain, but that still didn't take away the psychological sadness I was struggling with. I never truly learned to process the emotions that came with our first loss, and now I was harboring guilt on top of that. The intensive therapy I received helped immensely with how to cope with all the mixed emotions I was feeling and I felt a bit more confident that I would be able to get back to who I used to be.

On the 14th day, I took an Uber home and I headed back to the apartment. Noah wasn't home and I managed to bring my bags upstairs to start trying to unpack. Everything looked like how it did when I left, clean and organized. It almost looked as if the bed hadn't been slept in and I wondered what Noah was doing with himself this whole time. As I was finally hanging up some of my shirts back in the closet, I heard the front door open and close and I heard a couple of voices, along with a woman's laughter that I didn't recognize. I knew the first voice to be Noah but I didn't recognize the female.