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★・・・・・・★
Dear Jamie,
The letters are working. For me and my manager, I guess. She thinks all my songs are sad, but to be fair, they're supposed to be sad. Natalie, that's her name, is anxious that this "break up" is not as encouraging as it should be. I don't want it to be encouraging though. If someone has a Jamie, they shouldn't let him go.
And I let you go. In the last letter I said you left me. I left you. I'm always leaving and I don't know what's wrong with me.
My favorite thing to do with you was drive. You used to drive us around for no reason. You used to drive just to drive. I loved that, I miss that. Before you, I hated driving. I used to have to take a Xanax if the team was going anywhere on the stupid bus. I hate driving now too, just for different reasons. I didn't want to say goodbye to you.
I don't, I don't, I don't want to say goodbye.
I never want to betray you. I never wanted to be the reason you were sad. I never wanted to make it feel like you were doing anything wrong, because you never did. You never did. I never wanted to feel like I'm falling apart when the rest of my life is finally falling into place.
It only falls into place when you're falling to pieces.
I need to write happier letters. I can't imagine you ever reading these unless somehow, in some way, I make it back to you. Maybe in some romantic comedy, I would give you these letters and it would change everything. It would make everything okay again. After reading these, you would wrap me up in a big hug and tell me you forgive me for what I did to you.
I don't think so though. I think my life will go on, and I will continue to see little Jamie Tartt jerseys everywhere I go, and I will constantly be reminded of what I gave up. I couldn't stay there, maybe I could go back. But I couldn't go back after Nate. It felt too ugly. Too wrong.
You can't stay here. It's hard to face, and it feels too ugly.
Sometimes I imagine when I'm still stuck in this hotel room, that maybe you're just out because you're grabbing me a coffee. Or maybe you're walking Kitty, and that we're staying in the hotel because there's something wrong with the water at my apartment.
It's like I'm still here with you, it's like I'm still here with you. I don't, I don't, I don't want to say goodbye.
I don't want to say goodbye. Since I wrote that last letter, I talked to Sharon. I could tell by her voice that she's worried about me. It gets that soft, gentle tone where it seems like she's talking to a baby, but she's just talking to one of her messed-up patients. It was nice though, to hear from someone. Not that people haven't reached out, they have; I just... I haven't reached back, I guess.
Sharon and I mainly talked about how I feel broken. I don't know how to stop feeling broken. I felt broken for a while last year, when you left to join Man City. I think it was the fact that I actually had you. I had you, and I let you go. It was like letting go of a part of myself. I'm broken, and I don't know how to fix myself without you, but the worst part is I'm the one who broke us.
I'm in bed, and I'm wondering if I'm callous, but hoping; can I fix what is broken?
I have my first show coming up in a couple weeks, which is exciting, I guess. It's small, it's in another bar, but tickets are sold out, which is nerve-wracking just a tiny bit. This is what I wanted though. I wanted to travel and to see amazing things. I just haven't loved the being alone part.
The good news is that I won't be alone for long. I get to hold tryouts for some of the other music instruments and things I need for it to be a proper band. Then I need to do things like come up with a band name, and figure out the rest of my travel dates and where I'm going. Things that will keep me busy.
I just need to get it in my head that there are some things that I can't hold on to anymore. Like you. I might call Sam after this. It will be good for me. Right?
You miss something that you can't replace but you can't deny it.
Always, Ulla.
★・・・・・・★
Blu Speaks!
The way everyone dragged Tallulah for blaming Jamie.
Sometimes we need to realize that when we feel bad about ourselves we tend to blame other people when it's really our fault. Tallulah hitting up again with that representation.
I don't want people to think that it's a bad thing that Ulla made the switch to music, I think that it's good she's growing. She loves music, she's just depresso expresso right now cause Jamie is still the love of her life. She doesn't know how to deal with that pain so she expresses it in reckless and selfish ways some times. We all do that.
Tallulah's journey right now is dark, treturous, and confusing. She's going to make some decisions that aren't the best... but that's how people learn to grow.
As ALWAYS love you guys!
Also feel free to ask me any questions if your confused abt Tallulah's actions/feelings in certain situations!!
