The sweetest nightmares (Loki&Elsa and Jack&Elsa function novel)

Part 18 - Breath me

*Read this chapter with the song "Breath me" of the incredible singer Sia. (;
Enjoy (:

* One month later *

Elsa :

The fire.
It came back.

It burns.
It hurts.
It's alive.

The touch was cold,
The face was begging, loving,
I said no.

Screams.

I am waking up at the middle of the night.
It was a dream,
It was a nightmare,
And it was both when it happened.

I got up sweaty,
Holding my head.
I am getting crazy,
It goes worse every night even it stopped all last week.

I am crying into my fur blanket.
The cold covers me, and even the warmth of the blanket is not good enough.

It is too warm,
It's hot,
It burns.

I threw it off me,
Scared,
Terrified.
It has been a month ago, Yes.
But the scars are still fresh, painful, bleeding.

I looked around,
It doesn't looks like my room.
There is only stars and black emptiness between them.
My ice palace just got the colour of the night, as it always does,
but that moment I didn't thought,
I was too scared to do so....

I am fainting to another nightmare....

I am getting up on a mountain.
The thoughts spinning in my mind;

Help.
I have done it all again,
I have been here many times before,
In this situation;
Meet him,
Loved him,
He loved me back,
Too free.
Too wild.
Too many emotions I can't control.

Seacets.
Things I don't know,
Lies,
And the discovery of the devil,
that I loved.

The only thing I did is to hurt myself again today....
Why? Cruel fate, why?
What have I done to deserve it?
To fall for such a devil,
that if I won't have woken up his conscience he will keep his seacret for himself,
Forever?

What have I done?
Honoured no one?
Didn't pleased the crowd?
Lied?
Killed?
Murdered?!
Yes....I did.

But I murdered Loki.
I murdered this deamon.
I murdered my love....

Is it good? Is it bad?
It makes no (היגיון)!

I am soo lost....

And the worst of all is that he loved me!
He actually did.

A killer,
a monster,
Darkness that spreads his touch everywhere it goes.
And after all my attempts to make him better,
Or even wipe him out of my world cruelly before he hurts me again,
I can't resist his touch.

His toxic disease,
That desire to kill, must have pushed me to kill him.
That poisent already got to my mind, took control and with my anger it mixed and said:
"Kill".

This poisent will take control of my mind eseyly, now that my heart is crushed, it is already freezing everything around.
And it will bring it to life,
Colder, furious, and evil than ever....

I can't avoid it.
I could kill people with my power before, I just had no trigger to make it real.

I am a monster.

He was a monster too.
I saw it even before he even said that,
in his eyes,
I just didn't knew the scale of his sins....

And I pitied him!
I really did....
He loved my understanding,
He loved it,
He loved me.....

I always knew that power to hurt,
To freeze,
To kill,
To take the warmth.
Destructive like no other.

He wanted me to Extinguish his fire.
I didn't.
I let him burn.
That's it....

I sacrificed our hearts,
to the warmth of the fire.

And left myself cold,
empty.
I started crying as I remembered:
"No one will love you, and you will love no one. "

What have I wanted?!
Only someone to be my friend,
Hold me,
Wrap me up.
But I am soo unneeded!

Ouch!
It hurts my heart as I have lost myself again....
Lost myself again,
And I am no where to be found......

And I feel now soo unsafe!
Of no one that's around but might come like my sister in the last time,
Of the people who are far away but my unrestrained power might have reachef them too,
Of myself.....

I cried soft tears as the wind around me got stronger, colder,
As the tears freeze to sharp icicles and kept flying around me like a storm.
Threatening to scratch me or land in my heart and that's it.....
I wish.

What did I wanted?
Be my friend,
Hold me,
Wrap me up when it's hard!
And it is....
Is it too much to ask when everyone in the world has it?!

Only I,
Left alone with my destructive power until I'll die?!

The storm gets stronger each moment, and I can even hear the icicles that were created from my tears,
Slicing the air with a whistle.....

Why is everything so confusing?!
Why do I have to suffer for everyone?
Why are those circumstances makes me such a monster that is removed from the society?

I am catching my head with my hands.
'Stop thinking! Stop feeling! '

But suddenly,
I look at my hands,
and they are full with blood.

There is no way to get it off....
It doesn't comes off!
I look down to the bleeding earth.

And I am so afraid....
So afraid that I can't move.
My ice shoes became united with the bleeding snow underneath me.
It's soo scary....

Suddenly,
Snow started appearing in my powerful storm.
I already knew the raindrops in their normal form,
But I gess I won't have the pleasure to see them again for the rest of my life. Everything freeze next to me,
now that he left my heart broken....

Now only the snow lands on my body,
Gathered in me as they made my storme and powers even stronger....
And the wind is cold,
Desperate as much as I am,
Frozed me,
Gravity me.

If I only could have,
Touch the bright edge of the pain,
Let it go,
Climb higher,
To see the light....

They said that the sky will be blue above us, when it will come.....
Full of lights....
Maybe one day, I'll see thoes lights too....

I stood over the cliff,
Crying,
Breaved deeply,
And fell down....

Back to the ground.

Quietly,
I closed my eyes,
I closed my heart,
And felt how I am still whole,
and alive,
Shrinking myself to a ball that contained all my pain....
All my fears....

I got up from my bed so quickly that it hurts,
Felt my body,
I am still alive,
The cold sweat covers me,
and cried again for the understanding of what I tried to do in that dream.

Never, Elsa.

Never!