Daniel Howell Imagines

Stay Alive For Me...

*TRIGGER WARNING* contains suicidal thoughts, self harm and depression.

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 1585

"Now the night is coming to an end. The sun will rise and we will try again. Stay alive, stay alive for me. You will die and now your life is free. Take pride in what is sure to die. I will fear the night again. I hope I am not my only friend. Stay alive, stay alive for me. You will die and now your life is free. Take pride in what is sure to die..."

You lay under the covers of your bed, letting them consume you, hoping that they would make it seem as if you had disappeared. Today was not a good day, but you don't know why exactly. You guess it was just the way you were thinking, and the fact that your boyfriend, Dan hasn't been to busy to even take notice of you doesn't help either. You've always had struggles with depression, and with negative thoughts, but you thought you had gotten over that. Although you are aware that depression cant just go away, you thought you were at least getting better. But today, even the drop of a cup could send you off into a cloud of negative thoughts and negative feelings, it makes you feel as if you cant do anything right. And that's exactly what happened today.

You were in the kitchen this morning at Dan's flat, when you went to get a glass out to have a drink of orange juice, when you lost your grip on the cup for a split second and the glass object went hurdling towards the ground and a fast velocity. Dan was in the kitchen with you as well, and he seemed pretty tense, probably stressed about everything that's going on in his life, but he definitely didn't make things any easier.

"What the fuck!? Are you stupid!?" He yelled at you as soon as he heard the glass smash to the tiled ground. You panicked, you felt your heart drop, tears started to prick your eyes as you just stood there looking directly down at the glass that was smashed around your feet. You couldn't do anything but stand there, you were frozen. You didn't know what to do. And the fact that Dan had never ever EVER yelled at you like that before made it a billion times worse.

"Are you just going to stand there (y/n)!? Oh my god you can be such an idiot" Dan yells once again, and you swear to god you could feel a dagger go directly through your chest at those exact words. You let the tears fall freely down your face as you quickly find a brush and shovel to clean up the mess you had left and then you put it in the bin. You quickly grabbed all f your belongings from the flat and left for your own flat. You didn't say one word to Dan that whole day. Not when he yelled at you, and not when he asked where you were going. You just left and quickly made your way back to your place. You got into the elevator, letting more tears stream quietly down your face, and then when you got into your flat, you just headed straight to your bed and hid under the covers, just wanting the world to disappear. You just wanted to disappear. You just wanted to be gone.

You're so stupid, you cant do anything right

Even Dan thinks you're a stupid idiot

You're better off dead

These are the thoughts that ran through your mind, and they kept on progressing and getting worse. The thought of being dead all of a sudden became more appealing to you. You thought that no one would miss you, not even Dan. You don't know what has gotten into you though, it was just a bad day right? The answer to that is no, it wasn't only a bad day. You felt like you were being ignored, you simply felt lonely, and do you know the worst kind of loneliness? The loneliness you feel when you're surrounded by other people. In your situation those other people were Dan and Phil. But they had no idea what was going on, they didn't even acknowledge that there was something wrong, despite that the last few weeks your mood and personality had changed dramatically.

So today when Dan snapped at you, it triggered something in you. The one person who you thought would've been there for you, who said they'd never hurt you, it felt like he had just turned on you, you felt like you had no one.

You walk to the bathroom and crack a razor open to a get blade out. This is an old habit you never thought you would re visit. You didn't want to do it, you never wanted to do it again, you promised your friends, your family, you promised yourself. You promised Dan. But the thoughts in your head made the idea of cold metal scrapping and cutting into your skin, sound and feel more appealing.

Do it, it would make you feel so much better

Remember how you used to do this all the time? it would be just like old times.

Before you knew it, you could feel the metal carving deep into your skin. One cut, Two cuts, Three. And then all of a sudden the number of slits across your arm seemed to multiply. There was a lot of blood, there was a lot of crimson red blood everywhere. You just want to be gone.

You could feel your vision getting blurry as more blood poured out of your veins and onto the bathroom floor below you, your hearing was becoming impaired, but all of a sudden you heard keys clinking and heavy foot steps walking through your apartment. Your immediate reaction would be to get up and assess the situation, but right now, it was physically impossible. But these foot steps had a voice, a male voice in fact, a familiar male voice.

"(Y/N) where are you?" It was Dan. Dan's voice rang through the flat and you could hear his footsteps walking all around the apartment trying to find you. Your heart raced as you could hear his voice getting louder, his foot steps becoming heavier. All of a sudden there was a knock at the bathroom door. For a minute it felt like your heart had stopped beating. You could feel yourself becoming extremely light headed as you looked around for something to clean the blood off with. But your vision was to blurry, all of a sudden Dan burst through the bathroom door and he was once again yelling at you, but not out of stress and hatred, he was yelling because he was worried. But his voice just became an echo and all of a sudden everything went black.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

You could hear various noises around you. You tried to open your eyes to see what was going on, but you couldn't. your eyes felt heavy, like lead.

"Please stay with me, stay alive for me" You heard a voice next to you. You recognized the voice as Dan. His voice cracked as he spoke, and you could feel his hand gripping on to yours, as you felt a liquid drip onto your hands. he must be crying. As much as you wanted to open your eyes and to speak you just couldn't. "I'm so sorry I've been such a shit boyfriend. This is all my fault, I'm sorry for everything, just please stay alive for me"

In that moment everything became vivid. Everything that had happened that led you to be laying where you were right now came back in flashes. All of a sudden your eyes jolt open and you are blinded by a bright white light. All of a sudden everything became less bright and your eyes adjusted to your surroundings, you slowly turned your head to your left to see Dan with his hands gripping onto yours with his head down, and him rapidly breathing with tears streaming down his red cheeks. He must've heard the rustling on the uncomfortable hospital pillow when you moved your head, because when you looked at him, his head shot up and met your gaze.

"Oh thank god you're okay! I was so worried. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do, I thought you were going to die" Dan broke down right beside you, you had never seen him like this, you had never seen him cry like this. You squeezed his hand and gave him a reassuring smile.

"If it wasn't for you breaking into my flat, I probably would be dead." You told him honestly and gave him another quick smile. He smiled back at you, knowing that you were okay.

"Please don't ever do this again. I've never been so scared in my life. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you lately, and being an incredibly shitty boyfriend. I'm so so so so sorry, (y/n)." He apologized. But he was right, he had been pushing you away, and he was being an incredibly shitty boyfriend. But he was so incredibly worried about you. He loved you. He cared about you.

"I promise"

"Stay alive, stay alive for me. You will die and now your life is free. Take pride in what is sure to die..."