The Hauntings of My Mind

This World

I try to help
To lend a hand
I can't stand it when others are in this kind of pain because I know how it feels
I know what it's like to have to drag yourself out of bed and spend the whole day wishing you hadn't
I know what it's like to try and hold the world up on your own shoulders and then to watch as it falls and crumbles in your weak grasp
I've lost everything
I've had my heart broken
I've been pushed around and bullied and all sorts of things
So when I say that I am there for you and that I know what your going through
I am telling the truth
I hate it when others are in this pain
Because I am in the same pain and I know how hard it is to go through it every single day
I know what it's like
All I want to do is help
But I know there is no tangible object that can make this better
There is no way to protect yourself against the moments when the walls in your mind are weak
When a simple memory, thought, picture, song, anything will set it off
When you see these things and the pain hits
It feels like your insides are caving in and that there is something growing inside of you trying to force its way out
You curl into a ball and open your mouth to cry out
But no sound nor tears come
All there is is that indescribable pain In your chest
You try to calm down but it just doesn't work
You start to shake and you feel as if you can't breath
Then you remember that you have to be the strong one the one that must get better
So you take a deep breath and push it all away
I know what it's like
I still do this
But there is always a breaking point
Where your kept everything in for far to long
And you just burst one day
People think that depression and anxiety and all those other types of illnesses can be cured with some over the counter proscription and a few pats on the back
That is not how it is at all
Depression is not just someone being sad for a day
Cutting is not a way to get attention
Those who cut do not have a whoe is me mentality
Their minds are filled with a toxic melancholy mix of anger and fear
Black and blue fading the lines of what that say and what they really feal
Anxiety is not just being nervous before a big test
It's a whole lot more than that
To rethink every single thing you do and say
You'd rather stay quiet than quietly speak to those who you think don't even want to see you
To see new people everyday that you want to talk to but to keep your distance because you fear the pain of another person taking one look and judging you
To have nervous breakdowns and panic attacks behind the locked bathroom stalls in a crowded school
To fake sick and hide under the covers in your room instead of facing the others with their pricing stares
An addiction is not all about drugs
The happy little pills the doctors give you to make all the sadness and pain go away is not the easy way out
To have to take pills and to do drugs just to get throughout the day without a blade or a breakdown does not mean that you are deserve to be called a popper
What people don't understand is that doing drugs and taking those pills isn't about the thrill or the rush or doing something different
It's about keeping your sanity
To be anorexic or bulimic or to have an eating disorder of any sort is not about just not wanting to eat and to lose a pound or too
It's the direct side effect of the barbie doll air brushed models and the distorted mirrors called our eyes
A skipped meal is not a teen thinking that she or he has to be like everyone else
It is not the thigh gaps or the too skinny wrists that drive these girls and guys to starve themselves
It's the words of others
All off them good and bad
That are forced down their throats filling them with the sickness and the unstabability of hope
Hope that someday there will be a way for them to look in the mirror
And to not hate the reflection that stares back at them
To live in this world today is not about being the best that you can be but to be the best that others what you to be
In a world where insanity and pain is seen as a social gain where people fake their way through everyday just to get paid
This world is not what it used to be
This world
Where it is not only those who have been through war but their grandchildren in elementary school that are haunted by the gouls and the shadows of the monsters that have traveled for under their beds to into their heads
Where the arms of many are marked by the scars of a fight that is supposed to represent strength but are forced to hide and are told to get over it as if there don't consider their lives every night
Where a girl who has not even truly lives tries to take her own life but makes a mistake
A panic attack as she watches the blood flow to the floor locked behind a closed door
Where this girl struggles everyday to fight and put a smile on her face to help those who matter far much more to be happy and to shield them from pain with herself where she and many others hide their inner sides just to avoid the stares as the watch the stars searching for a sign that there is something more to this endless fight for they have graduated from standing as statues on the playground yard to wearing masks every day of their lives because they still must fight they hide their sexualities because its not what others want them to be THEY FAKE EVERYDAY OF THEIR LIVES FIGHTING TO BE WHAT OTHERS WANT THEM TO BE ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT NO ONE REALLY WANTS THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE THAT NO ONE REALLY CARES TO CRY OUT AT NIGHT AND TO CURSE YOURSELF FOR CONTINUING TO FIGHT TO HOLD THE BLADE TO YOUR WRIST AND PILLS IN YOUR HAND BUT TO HAVE TO HOLD YOURSELF BACK SO YOU DONT HURT THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS THE SAME OTHERS THAT TELL YOU EVERYDAY TO GET OVER IT AND TO STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC WHY DONT THEY TRY AND TAKE A WALK IN OUR SHOES AND SEE WHAT PATH THEY WILL REALLY CHOOSE TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD IS NOT TO LIVE ITS NOT TO SURVIVE ITS ABOUT THE FIGHT THE FIGHT OF MADNESS TO TRY AND GET THROUGH THE SADNESS AND THE WOULD OF'S AND COULD OF'S THAT PLAUGE OUR MINDS EVERY SINGLE DAY.....in this world we must pay to be ourselves with our minds our souls and our lives....in this world.......
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Ok so this turned out a lot different than I expected but yah....this is dedicated to all of my friends please stay strong you guys and keep fighting you are the ones who keep me afloat i need to be there for toy and I promise you that no matter what in one way or about her I will be there for you....