The Hauntings of My Mind

Staring Right At You

I've come long way

to finally being me

to loving myself and who i am 

but thats not what i see 

i look in the mirror and dont recognize who i see before me 

all i see is hate 

i cant look at myself 

i hate it 

so the shadows comfort me

kissing my scars and filling my head with emptiness

they wrap around me and block everything out

their camouflage serves as my happy facade 

faking through each and every day

falling deeper and deeper 

i thought that you were my friend

someone who i could trust

now my heart has turned to rust

to many years of sitting alone in the cold winter of your gaze 

the disappointment and the judging just chipped away at my shell

well now its all out

my mask is gone

the hideousness is now free for the world to see

are you happy now 

now that you have destroyed me

my shadows keep me at bay

keeping my weapons of self hate away 

i hate you 

why did  you do this to me

do you like the scars you've cut into my skin

do you like knowing i have nightmares about that horrid place you trapped me in

i dont want to go back to the way we were

but you keep on dragging me back 

clinging to my weak form

your wretched nails digging into my soft exterior

why didnt it work

i could be free of you and all of your darkness

but the ear was too much

my breath had came out in a giant rush 

and still you stare back at me

look at what you have made me into

look and the hideousness that is now my being  

your words they ping pong back and forth in my mind

why didnt you just leave me be

i was fine with just fading away

but you got to me

look at me 

is this really what you like to see 

answer me you coward 

tell the world of the secrets we had hid together 

tell them all of the lies and destroy my pitiful disguise 

beat me down why dont you 

you tell me to stand up to brush the dirt off my knees and to get over it

how can i stand when you are pushing me under

suffocating me with your very presence  

did you feel my pain when you sliced my skin 

did you see the disgust the others now look at me with 

did you see the disappointment from my family

did you see me sitting up late at night pulling and tearing at the wounds you made because i couldnt stand it anymore i just had to get away 

answer me 

do you know how much youve messed me up

i hate you 

i pound my fists into you but no reaction

how can you stand what you have done 

how do you sleep at night 

let me tell you something 

i cant sleep as your victim

suffocating in denial

answer me

what am i thinking....

im staring at a mirror