The Kick Back

All Good Things

Stephanie left early the next morning. She went back to home to prepare for her 7PM flight to Michigan. Inside, I felt my heart breaking thinking about the fact that she was leaving, but another part of me knew that I had to just let her go. Thoughts consumed me the entire morning...what was she gonna do with herself and who would she be with if not me? I couldn't think about it too much longer because I knew that I had my own life to prepare for. I had to think about college and my future...mainly what I wanted to do with my life. I wasn't sure, but I knew I didn't wanna get caught up in the streets and end up doing absolutely nothing. The only future niggas like that had was the graveyard or prison, and I wasn't ready to wind up in either one.

I went on the hunt for a job that afternoon. I wasn't interested in getting back into the same shit that had recently gotten one of my closest friends killed. The local daycare was hiring and if there was one thing I was good at it was caring for other people. I wasn't sure if I was completely ready to be around kids after the Maria situation. But I knew that this would be the perfect opportunity to lick my wounds clean for lack of a better phrase.

I went up to the daycare to fill out my application with hopes of getting an interview. Transitions Center had been essential in some of my upbringing. It used to be a community center that my friends and I would go to to play sports or do some homework with peer tutors. Somewhere along the line, I had lost my focus and got lost in the streets. Something about being in that building stirred up a whole new pot of emotions that I thought I had left in the past. Walking through that hall, towards the front office made me relive some of the best moments in my life. For some reason, the things with Stephanie, the situation with Maria and Carlos...my family...none of it mattered as much as getting that old thing back. Of course, Stephanie still lingered in the back of my mind. I had been doing a good job of pushing those thoughts to the side in order to take the steps towards getting myself together. I wanted to focus and at that moment, nothing was more important than that.

I approached the front desk and a woman turned around in the chair. The secretary was beautiful...she reminded me of Stephanie. She was a dark skinned black woman with from what I could see, a beautiful figure. Her lips were full and perfectly glossed. Her hair was curly and rested just at her shoulders. She smiled and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with today, sir?" Once I picked my mouth up off of the floor, I replied with, "Yes...I came in to fill out an application for the teaching assistant position." She stared at me for a moment and then asked, "Do you have any experience?" I took a minute to reflect on everything I had done for my mother and my sister in my father's absence. I thought about the time I had spent with Santiago and all that I had done for him while Maria recovered from his birth. There was no question in my mind that I had the experience and I was prepared for everything that they wanted to throw at me.

"I've got more than enough experience, ma'am. Can I get an application, please?" I asked. She reached in the drawer to her left and pulled out an app. She handed it to me and then handed me a pen from on top of the desk. "Go ahead and fill it out and I'll have a manager come and speak with you in a few minutes."

After the interview with the manager, she offered me the job for the summer. I was thrilled, it seemed like everything was coming together. Still, something inside was nagging at me. Why couldn't I just move on like it seemed like Stephanie had done. She was all for leaving and leaving me behind. Sure, she had her feelings about it but she had chosen to leave despite what I supposedly meant to her. The thought was making me angry, and I wanted more than anything to be able to move on just as she was doing. As I made my way towards downtown, I spotted Mike and Priscilla. They were holding hands, enjoying some ice cream, talking...laughing...and sharing public displays of affection. I yearned for what they had yet I couldn't seem to hold on to it when I did have it. They spotted me and then approached me. Mike shook my hand and I leaned in to kiss Priscilla on the cheek. She smiled and then said, "Hey, Ant." Mike then asked, "What you been up to today, mi hermano?"

"I went down to Transitions Center and filled out an application. I talked to the manager and she hired me for the summer. I don't know what's gonna happen after that but at least I'll be making some legal money before I start classes this fall." I told him. Mike was quiet for a moment and then asked, "So have you decided where you're going?" I wasn't really sure...deep down inside, something was telling me to go to Michigan so that I could be closer to Stephanie. Another part of me didn't wanna be pushy and wanted her to get the most out of life, without the added pressure coming from me. I was at war with myself, and I didn't know which part of me would win.

"I haven't decided." I told him. He smiled to himself and then replied, "You'll make the right decision. I mean you know what they say, follow your heart and you'll make the best choice for you."

Follow your heart...those words echoed in the back of my mind for the rest of our conversation. After a few minutes, we went our separate ways. I knew what I was going to do...I was gonna let my heart lead me and whatever happened...was gonna happen.