Impractical One Shots - Joker(X)Joker

It's not easy to be me - VulQuinn

Slight trigger warning

Song: Five for Fighting - Superman

'I can't stand to fly, I'm not that naïve, I'm just out to find, the better part of me'

Sal's PoV

Quinn had been acting so strange the past few days, like he was pulling away from me, we had been dating for 6months now and it had been the best time of my life, but now he was distant, we hadn't spent any time alone together in 3 days, when we were on set he barely laughed or spoke to any of us. I was starting to doubt our relationship. I decided tonight I was just going to show up at his house and confront him. I needed to know where I stood.

I got home from work and had a quick shower, doing my hair throwing on my jeans and a t-shirt and grabbing my hoody I headed for the door texting Q to see what he was doing

"Hey babe, what you doing?" I text

"Just home." He replied.

His short reply ripped at my heart, why was he being like this, with me of all people. I threw on my shoes and jumped in my car. Mentally preparing what I intended to say to him when I got there. Before I knew it I was parked outside his house. I got out my car and marched up to his front door banging loudly and quickly, scared I was going to lose my nerve. I waited and he didn't answer, I knocked again but to no avail.

After 10 minutes of nothing I tried the door, to my surprise it opened, I slowly crept into the house.

"Brian.." I called "Q, you here" no answer. I walked further into the house, checking the living room and kitchen as I passed by, he wasn't in either of them, making my way upstairs I heard muffled sobs, my heart began to race as I ran up the stairs two at a time to find the source of the sobs as quick as I could, I burst through the door to his bedroom and the sight before my eyes stopped me dead in my tracks, there he was, huddled up at the foot of his bed on the floor in the dark, his knees pulled to his chest and his head in his hands and he was crying.. My heart broke.

I walked to him and knelt in front of him, my mind flashed back to the night a few years ago me, Joe and Murr had found him in a similar state, laying on his bathroom floor crying, blood dripping from his wrists. My heart broke at the memory.

'I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, I'm more than some pretty face beside a train, It's not easy to be me'

"Bri.." I whispered, bringing my hand up to the side of his head, he flinched away from me and my heart dropped.

"Brian, baby what's wrong? Talk to me, I'm scared" my voice broke as another muffled sob shook through his body.

"Go away sal.. You shouldn't be here" his muffled voice echoed.

'I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees, find a way to lie, about a home I'll never see'

"If this is where you are then it's exactly where I need to be" I spoke

"No, I don't want you here.. just go!" he lifted his head and snapped at me. I jumped back at his comment and the venom in his voice.. I couldn't hold the chocked sob that broke out.

He lifted his head from his hands and looked at me, I could see the guilt in his eyes, the regret.

'It may sound absurd but don't be naïve, even heroes have the right to bleed, I may be disturbed but won't you concede, even heroes have the right to dream'

"Sal.." He almost whispered "Sal I'm so sorry.. I didn't mean.." He stopped.

"Brian, what's going on..?" I whispered.

"Sal I can't do this anymore.. I can't" he sobbed, tears dripping from his eyes.

My heart was breaking and my hands were shaking as I reached forward to wipe his tears with my thumb

"Talk to me baby, what can't you do? What's happened?" I asked softly

"I'll never be good enough, I'll never be enough.." He whispered turning away from me "I'm broken, I've always been broken and I always will be broken"

"Oh Brian, you're not broken, you're more than enough" I spoke

"No! Sal, I'm no good for you. You're an angel and I'm just fucked up. I'm fuckin broke, you deserve so much better, someone who can treat you the way you deserve, you're so good and I'm so bad.. I'm just fucked up" he sobbed.

'Up, up and away, away from me, well, it's alright, you can all sleep sound tonight, I'm not crazy or anything'

My heart broke and the tears flowed free from my eyes.. I moved closer to him, pulling his legs down so that I could sit on his lap and wrap my own legs around his waist, moving his hands from his face and lifting his face to meet mine, slowly ruining my fingers through his hair

"Listen to me now.." I spoke voice cracking as I tried to keep a firm tone "you are exactly what I need, you're more than what I deserve and you treat me better than I've ever been treated before. You make me feel special, you make my flaws and irrationality seem like nothing, you make me feel loved and wanted and you make me feel safe. You're my home Quinn, wherever you are is where I need to be, where I want to be. You're my perfect fit, you're my happy ending, the only person i wanna fight with, the only person I want to spend my time with. I am so in love with you Brian Michael Quinn. I find new reasons every day to love you, and I fall harder every single day. I miss you when I'm not with you, you're on my mind every minute of every day. You're it for me Quinn. My guy." I spoke and he listened.

I could see his eyes searching mine, taking in the truth of my words.

'I'm only a man in a silly red sheet, digging for kryptonite on this one way street, only a man in a funny red sheet, looking for special things inside of me'

"Sal, I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm like this, I don't want to be broken anymore, I want to be good for you. I love you Sal, I really really do.." He sobbed burying his head in my shoulder "please don't ever leave me..you're the only person that makes it better, you fix me Sal.. You always fix me" his voice muffled by my shoulder.

I held him close to me running my hands through his hair pressing soft kisses to the top of his head.

"I'll never leave baby, I'll always stay. I'll always fix you" I spoke softly squeezing his body tighter to me.

"I love you sal, I love you" he sobbed.

"I love you baby, I love you so so much" I whispered.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry" he repeated into my shoulder.

"I know Bri.. I know" I shhh'd him, stroking his hair softly in a calming motion.

I spent the night curled up in bed with him held close to me, just soothing him, reassuring him, loving him. This is where I'm supposed to be, right here with him.

'I'm only a man in a funny red sheet, I'm only a man looking for a dream, I'm only a man in a funny red sheet, and it's not easy.
It's not easy to be me'