Salty Rants

Followed, Unfollowed, Follo-Fuck off.

"Do you want to go play on the seesaw?" I ask, before chomping down on a newly fried french fry. You give me a strange look—it's a mixture of 'is she being serious' and 'I might need to direct myself to the nearest exit'.

After an internal battle, you reach out and attempt to take one of my fries, saying, "Aren't you a little too old to be playing on a seesaw?"

With the speed and dexterity of a ninja, a slap your hand away so hard, you do the nae nae. "You're right, I am." I snicker at the pained look on your face.

And so are all the people that spend their day mass-following people—hunting for that poor idiot that follows them back—only to go back a few hours, a day, even a week later to unfollow them all. For a while, my follower count moved up and down like a seesaw:

340

341

340

341

340

(ten pages later)

341

Now, I'm not one that is thirsty for followers. It's always amazing to click on my notifications tab and see "smackthatass69 started following you". It gives me a sense of unrequited joy to know that someone has actually stumbled over my tiny corner of hell, making me whisper, "The trap—it has worked," like Gollum, just as they make the fatal mistake of leaning over and falling head first into my lair.

But then, after I take the time to go on their profile and leave a nice message (with emojis, for crying out loud) informing them that I appreciate their follow and wish them a nice day, I notice that either a) before I had finished writing the message they had already unfollowed me b) their following count is almost 1k or c) both.

It's not even that I mislead them, by stating on my profile that yes, I do follow 4 follow. In actual fact, on my profile, it says the complete opposite:

"I don't do a follow for a follow, (so don't follow then unfollow me if this was your intent). Please, with a cherry on top."

I even put a cherry on top! A cherry! Shouldn't that at least account for something?

Y'all are on a writing site, where there is the assumption that you can READ. I know that the message is in English, but for all those non-English speakers out there, do I have to post you a link to Google translate with a complete step-by-step method on how to use it?

It doesn't make sense to me. What do you gain by following people in the hopes of being followed back? I know it's nice to see that follower count shimmy upwards, towards bigger and better things, but it's not that gratifying when you didn't earn your followers.

It's best to gain a follower that loves my work, chatted with me in the forums and befriended me, or did it as a payment for my review services (people who unfollow after I spent over an hour reviewing their work, because they expected a 10/10 when their work barely scraped the 5 mark, are massive assholes and deserve to be discussed in another rant), not a follower that doesn't give a single fuck about my purpose on this site.

I grab a handful of fries and after slathering them with ketchup, I shove them into my mouth. Almost immediately, the sweet-salty mixture placates my rage, and I realise, that it's not that I was angry, but that I was simply hungry. You watch me from across the filthy, fast-food restaurant table with repulsion and maybe, judging by the twinkle in you eye, even arousal.

"You know what I'd like to do?" You say, and I can see that you're trying not to gag at the way I'm shovelling fries into my mouth.

"What?" With one eye, I look at the last french fry shivering in the corner of my tray. With the other, I'm looking at you, or better yet, looking through you. There is a poster advertising a new menu entry—cheesy fries. Only 4.99.

"Go on the swings."

You leave the place in a bodybag. 

🍟🍟🍟

Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!