I like to complain, a lot. So much, in fact, that if I got a euro for every time I ranted about something, I'd have enough money to go on a cruise, at least twice a year. Salty is my middle name, so if your food is ever lacking that sodium chloride...
So I've decided to open up my Gemstone Reviews book again for the first two weeks of July and that's inspired me to write this—long overdue—rant. For those who were wondering what the hell happened (and why I closed it in the first place), I was simply just burned out. I just couldn't be fucked to give more reviews, and I hate to make people wait.
Moving on.
In my experience as a Wattpad reviewer, I have to say, I've read some pretty amazing stories as well as not-so-amazing stories coming from the broad spectrum of genres. I've also met and befriended some pretty sick authors *raises whiskey to them* whose work I've shamelessly binge-read, to the point where their notifications were saturated with my votes and comments (which apparently are hilarious. Even when I'm screaming they're hilarious). Being a reviewer is more than just helping people out, or giving a relatively objective opinion on someone's work, it's also about finding those gems I'd never be able to find scouring the vast expanse of Wattpad.
But as with all things, nothing is ever 300% perfect. Out of the dozens of reviews I've given—to which the reviewees replied graciously and even employed some of my advice—I can count on one hand the number of people who've given me the time of day. That's a good ratio, in my opinion, but it's annoying having to deal with people like that in the first place. After all, I'm doing y'all a favor taking time out of my (boring) afternoon to read and give you a well-formulated 1500+ word opinion on your work. Most reviewers I've seen here just write a crappy paragraph, a half-hearted rating, and move on to the next one (all the while demanding a payment for their shitty services).
Because I don't feel like writing an essay, I'll just make a list of the things that people did that really fucking bothered me:
1. Demanded that I read their whole book.
Okay, firstly, it explicitly said in the rules that I'd only read up to THREE CHAPTERS. If your story is only three chapters long so far, then yes, I guess that counts as your whole book. But if you got 20+ chapters, don't think that I'm going to spend ages reading the whole damn thing, especially since only reviewing the first three chapters takes me hours to do. I've had one person tell me, "How can you even give a proper review if you didn't read the whole book?" The guy was very fucking bitter because I didn't exactly think that he was the next Hemingway, so he tried to demean my efforts by saying shit like that.
I'll tell you this: most readers won't stick around if the first few chapters are shit. It's really as simple as that. Readers don't have an obligation to read on if they don't like what they're reading—interest usually breaks off after the first and second chapter. If your first chapter is shoddy, that's when most people stop reading. Some might feel—if the plot has the potential to be good—like they should give the author a second chance hence they read on to the second chapter (because a strong, engaging first chapter isn't always the easiest thing to write). But if that sucks too, then they'll just stop reading.
Unless you're doing read 4 reads.
2. Tried to explain every single point I make in the review.
I found that annoying as hell—I know that when I read I might gloss over certain details, it can happen to the best of us. If I get something wrong in the review, like an event, or a name, or whatever, it's totally okay to clarify things in the comments section of the review. But there are people who feel the need to justify EVERY SINGLE thing like...if I come to a conclusion, it's based on what's there, on the page, I'm not making shit up just to reach a word count. Then some try to say, "Of course, I'm not going to put it in now. It will come later in the story." There are some things that need to be made clear from the beginning—saying that "it will come later" is just a stupid-ass excuse.
3. Asked me to re-read their work once they revise it.
That's not exactly annoying, but in all honesty, I just can't be fucked to re-critique things. I know that sounds kinda bitchy—but think about it this way. It's like working a 12-hour shift job and then being asked to work an extra hour without any extra pay. Not very fun.
4. Talked shit.
There was one person that did this (I won't say their name, but if they ever come across this, fuck you) they wrote a 2000+ word comment underneath their review raging about how I didn't know what I was talking about, how I didn't say anything helpful, how I was stupid, etc. The first time I read the comment I burst out into laughter because of how pathetic I thought they were. Like, seriously, how butt-hurt can you be? Mine is just an opinion (albeit genuine) in the sea of opinions on Wattpad, plus, it's not like I said anything that wasn't true. If your writing is incoherent and nonsensical, be damn sure that I'm going to say so. I realised, after being petty and replying to their comment, that there was no point in arguing with them. When someone is so in denial like that, you're really just wasting your words. Not even throwing a coconut at their head will make think straight.
5. didn't even drop a thank-you underneath the review.
Me: *uploads review*
Them: New phone, who dis?
6. Completed the payment BEFORE acceptance.
I've been really lenient about this shit, but the next time it happens, I'm going to straight-up ignore them. It explicitly says to do that AFTER acceptance. Gosh, you're on a writing site and can't even read? Go to the library and check out a picture book!
7. Undid payment after the review.
Ups! Ten obraz nie jest zgodny z naszymi wytycznymi. Aby kontynuować, spróbuj go usunąć lub użyć innego.
"Just delete their review if they undo the payment!"
Bitch, no! I spent two hours writing that, and you're asking me to just delete it like nothing ever happened?
Hell no. Imma be petty and write a little note at the top for potential readers.
Warning: The author of the following work DOES NOT take constructive feedback well. They also have anger-management issues and the writing skills of a five-year-old on amphetamines.
You have been warned.
-:-
That's about it really.
If you ever want to drop me a review request and you're one of these people, kindly log out of Wattpad and leave me alone. I don't have time to waste.
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Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!
