Salty Rants

How To Be Unsuccessful On WP (#3 Blurbs)

Wednesday, June 8, 2016. 

Good morning class!

I'd firstly like to point out that I haven't received the homework from three people. I won't say any names, but you know who you are. You've earned yourself a lunch detention for today, so see me after class—the more the homework is put off, the more detentions you'll be getting. So I suggest you get that shit done as soon as possible, unless you want to spend your lunches inside the classroom with me.

Anyway, the topic for today is blurbs! *pulls out a whiteboard marker*

As you all know, the second thing potential readers will see when they click on your book is your blurb. So after you gauged their disinterest with the cover, you get to give them stomach ulcers with your blurb. Because we'll ensure that your blurbs are so utterly repulsive, they'll regurgitate their meals as they read it. I've written down a couple of pointers on how to write the worst blurb in existence, but since it was on a sheet of paper, my pet-human ate it. Also, because I have selective memory loss, I don't remember any of the points! So y'all are going to have to help an old demon out. 

~Don't have a blurb at all. 

I got a blank space underneath the cover...and we ain't gonna write nothin'. 

Keep the contents of your story a secret—let a potential reader guess what your story is going to be about, it gives their tiny brains a work-out! People won't think that you're a lazy piece of shit or anything, on the contrary. They'll be so intrigued by the emptiness of that blurb, that they'll just HAVE to find out about whether the story will have brawling unicorns and jet-pack kittens, as the cover suggests.

~Use a dictionary definition.

So you might remember how two lessons ago, one of my pointers for the unperfect title is to use a hella complicated word. Like, illiterate or something like that. Well, I just decided that if this is your case, write the definition in your blurb! Grab a random dictionary, copy the definition word for word—it's plagiarising, but who gives a fuck, this isn't skool—and even include the phonetic pronounciation for those readers who have issues reading in English! You know what? Include more than one definition, as you have to ensure that the meaning of the word is as clear as possible, and also translations in other languages. This will show that you are a multilingual puta, and people will come rushing over to read a book written by a genius! The ladies will rip their panties off and mail them to you, the dudes will send dick pics. It's a win-win!

~Write a summary of the plot.

If the title of your story is self-explanatory, like The Bad Boy Stabbed My Mother And Made Me Eat Her Ovaries, then include a summary of what your story is going to be about! Remember, like in every short essay, it must have an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. Make sure that you exploit that word count—everybody loves reading a 1500+ word blurb! Give away the entire plot, characters, and any twists and turns you might have; the readers will already know what to expect of the story, so when you kill of the protagonist at the end of the book, they won't lynch you!

~Use funky formatting.

If you're a graphic wiz, this part is just for you! Make sure that you make the writing as illegible as possible, just write the whole blurb in Wingdings! It will make the blurb much more fun to read as people will have to spend the entire time deciphering the symbols. It' like a throwback to Ancient Egypt! Also, indent the paragraphs so that the first sentence starts halfway through the line, and use tons of emojis. Show them how friendly you are with a row of hearts, knives, and coffins.

~Use quotes.

I personally like to grab random inspirational quotes from the internet, you know why? Because some half-witted moron already did thinking for me! Pass those quotes as your own—don't you dare add the author of it. This will make you look like a philosopher, as well as making you appear smarter than you actually are. If you're too much of a lazy fuck to go on the Internet and pick one of Mandela's quotes, grab a random one from your story! Use the most pivotal scene in the book to snag your reader's attention, I can guarantee you that your horrible grammatical and punctuational errors will bring all the bitches to your book. For example:

"Bae, i dont think i can do dis anymore," She said with tears in her orbs.

"dont fuckin play wid me slut," River screamed with a smirk as he pounded into her like a dog with its bithc, "im about to come so shut the fuck up."

"I luv u River. I want ur babies."

"Same I—URGHGHGHGHGHGGHGH!!!!!!!!"

The quotes used completely out of context will defs make the reader want to read on!

~Use five rhetorical questions, one at the end of each paragraph.

Rhetorical questions are the best because you already know the answer to them! It's like doing a test with a cheat sheet. I have no idea about whether the character is going to make it out of the sand pit of doom in time or not, but by asking me—the reader who has yet to read the story— that, I will immediately know the answer? For example:

Will Joshua be able to escape the forest of doom? Will Jessie ever find love? Will Trump become the next president of the Unite States of America? Will Amanda every do anal with her uncle?

~If you're on the verge of desperation, beg people to read your book.

I think this is the best choice out of them all. By proving that you have no dignity whatsoever, people will pity you and click on your book. Give them false promises of immense riches, bitches, and votes for votes so that even if your story is as exciting as a donkey's ass, the'll have no choice but to click on it! Also, make sure that EVERYONE knows that this is your work, that you'll kill them if someone tries to steal it—don't trust no one—and repeat three times that this is your first time writing a book.

Hey guis, dis book is copyreited, so dont steel it or me and my emo frands will find u and kill u ^-^ 

Dis is the first teim im writing so pls no hate or mean thinds, but im always open for fedbak!

Pleese i beg of u reed my buk! Its not cliché at all, its totally knew, my mum says dat its reely gud!

~Don't obey any grammatical/punctuational rules. Rules are meant to be broken.

Want to differentiate yourself from the crowd of idiots? My suggestion is to break every grammatical rule you know. Just throw away everything you learned back in elementary school, and do whatever the fuck you want. It's your book! Write everything in lowercase or capitalise every word in a sentence, use run-on sentences, and never split your paragraphs! After all, it's very #tumblr

btw guys everythin will b in lowercase becuz im experimentin alsu im a hipseter and never edit my mworks eiditn is fur loozers hehehehehe fuk u rebecca

*bell rings*

Okay, that's all for today! Remember, those who haven't completed the homework, please stay behi—THAT MEANS YOU JONATHAN DON'T YOU FUCKING TRY TO SNEAK OUT BECAUSE I GOT THE EYE OF THE FUCKING TIGER I CAN SEE YOUR BULLSHIT A MILE AWAY. SO SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN BEFORE I CALL YOUR MOTHER. 

*clears throat* 

For everyone else, please enjoy the rest of your day, and make sure you revise for your pop quiz!

🍟🍟🍟

Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!