Body Language. Queen

Piano Piece.

Freddie's P.O.V.

John and Roger only lived around the corner from each other so it was only a short walk for me until I strolled up to Rogers door and knocked on it.

Before I could even let my hand down to rest by my side after knocking he was already in the door way.

I raised my eyebrows as I looked at him, "Somebody's eager." I muttered.

"Did you see him? Is he okay? What's wrong? Did he tell you anything?"

I massaged my temples in a bid to get rid of this stress, "Roger! Slow the fuck down. Yes I saw him, he's alright, yes he told me what was wrong." I answered his list of questions.

"Well?! Come in, tell me everything!" He was frantic.

"No. I'm not coming in. I can't stay..." I pointed at him, "You need to talk to him. Arrange something. You need to sort this out between yourselves."

I stared at his now blank expression, almost as if he was a child and I was his parent who had just given him a scolding.

"It's not my place to say. Sorry, Dear, I'll see you in the morning." I turned around and began to walk away from his house.

"Freddie?!" Rog called after me.

I turned, looking at him whilst walking backwards, "You need to see him!" I called back.

I lit up a cigarette taking a long drag, I actually wanted to be alone tonight. Which was strange, I'd spent so much time lately hating being alone. This weeks occurrences were certainly mashing my head, I couldn't focus on one aspect for longer than three seconds.

Roger was gay.
John was gay.
I was gay.
Brian...had a girlfriend.

It seemed everything was working out for everyone...apart from me.

Roger and John were head over heels for each other, of course I would be over the moon for them if they finally found out and got together. But I would also be bitterly jealous that their dreams had come true and mine hadn't.

I felt slightly betrayed by Brian. How he felt he couldn't even tell us he was seeing someone. How he was most likely lying to me every morning when I asked if he had gotten laid the night before.

I felt lost and empty, I wish I didn't know, I wish I had never gone with Roger to follow him, if I didn't know I could still play those blissful scenarios in my head about him confiding in me about his sexual preference and then admitting our love for each other, because I would still have that glimmer of hope that he was into men.

But now I knew.

I knew he was visiting his special lady and bedding her every night, I knew he liked women and certainly did not like men. I knew I would never get to have a chance with him. I knew I would never actually be allowed to fall so deeply in love with him, I knew he didn't want me. I knew I had to try ridiculously hard to wipe my mind of any thoughts I had of him and try and focus on something or somebody else.

If I didn't have this silly 'no sex' ban I wouldn't think twice before taking myself off to a club and trying to bring someone home to fuck to drown out my desires and thoughts of Brian. But even though I wasn't waiting for Brian anymore I still wanted to wait for somebody else.

"I've turned fucking old fashioned." I mumbled as I thought about this thing I had going on with myself, I blew out the smoke from my mouth.

Eventually my house came into view, although I wanted to be alone I was tempted to carry on walking past it and just carry on wandering the dark streets. But it was getting rather chilly out, so I gave in and bundled myself inside.

I eyed up the bottle of champagne in the kitchen and reached for it. But suddenly, I had a change of heart, "Oh don't be pathetic." I told myself, champagne was for celebrating, I had nothing to raise a glass to except for living a long and lonely life. Besides, I was fed up of reaching for the alcohol as soon as something didn't go my way, it was a cowardly way to deal with things. Instead, I settled for a cup of tea.

I shifted on over to my piano that was situated in the living room, I spotted the crumpled up piece of paper that I had thrown on the top of it, it was those awful little lyrical lines that I had written the other day when I got into the studio early. I read them over and the small piano piece I had composed to go with them came flooding back into my mind. I began to play, I actually rather liked what I had come up with, I studied the keys for a moment, playing something out in my head before I let my fingers take control and let them tinkle over them, playing something that I thought may be worth writing down. The music came easy to me, the melodies and the harmonies, writing lyrics I actually found quite difficult. The piano piece kept flowing and I kept writing down the notes, I found myself smiling, enjoying this piece a lot and already feeling proud. This could definitely be a potential song to work on for the album if I kept it going like this. It was also a welcome distraction.

It was a while before I let my eyes stray away from the piano, my tea had gone cold and my eyelids had grown heavy. I knew I needed to sleep and take a break but I didn't want to go to bed, knowing full well as soon as my head hit the pillow all I would be able to think about would be Brian. But I took the plunge and told myself to man up. I needed sleep. This week was proving to be quite the exhausting one.

Dragging myself upstairs and promising myself I would get a shower in the morning I crawled into bed after undressing and I turned out the lights, sighing as the comfort of the bed took over my body and the darkness eased my head.

But I knew this peace wouldn't last.

Thoughts of all three of my band mates made appearances in my thoughts.
I loved how Roger trusted me with his biggest secrets and to talk to John, but I wasn't Cupid, and I think he thinks I am. If he wants to find out that John is gay and he actually likes Roger back, he needs to find out for himself, I know it's scary but he can't count on me to do everything for him. I care about him deeply but he really needs to take things on himself.

John actually turned out to be absolutely adorable tonight, how he cried admitting his feelings for Roger and how he was actually gay. Explaining his reasons for walking away yesterday, it was all quite reasonable now I understood why he did it, I just hope that he'll completely accept himself soon and stop thinking that he's doing wrong.

Everything seemed to be going everyone's way, Brian was happy with his new woman, Roger and John would no doubt find out how much they like each other and they they will be happy.

I'm probably being selfish but I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. I had nobody. No happiness in the line, nothing.

Regrettably, I drifted off to sleep with those last negative thoughts lingering in my mind.

A dream started to spin it's cobweb in my head, creating patterns and colours like a kaleidoscope until they dispersed into a scene. Everything looked awfully familiar, it was the studio, and I was sat at the table. Brian was there in my dream, sat across from me, he was yelling at me, his voice was cloudy and echoed.

'You thought I would fall in love with you?! You have to be fucking joking.' He shouted, breaking out into a loud cackle, everything looked like it was going in slow motion, he slapped the table with his hands as he continued to laugh in my face.

Finally, I awoke from that nightmare but the sound of Brian still slapping the table rang in my ears...I sat up in bed, listening, it was early light outside.
There. The bangs. They sounded again, knocking at my door.
"What the fuck..." I groaned groggily, it was way too early for this kind of bullshit. It was even 6am yet.
I grabbed my dressing gown and threw it on as I raced clumsily down the stairs, the banging on my door continued.
"Alright! Fuckinghell..." I hissed under my breath as I fiddled about trying to unlock the door. I yanked it open with anger from this rude awakening.
My gaze landed upon a quivering figure holding up a piece of paper, looking like they could faint at any minute. "John?"