Always: A Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 138

Katniss

Gale's wife's funeral is scheduled for tomorrow. Honestly, I'm not completely sure I can force myself to attend. She's being buried in the meadow, the place where the grass now grows tall and green and the dandelions bloom. It's by far the most beautiful place in the District, although I may be a bit biased. It's the place where my sister sleeps, yards below the grass and the dandelions. She's been there for years, although it only feels like days have passed since I watched her die. I remember her almost perfectly. I could still describe the way she smelled to anyone; soap mixed with cat hair and a hint of lilac. We had lilacs outside of our house growing up. Prim loved to pick them and put them around our house. She said she did it because she liked the smell, which is understandable. They smell beautiful. But I know she did it because our mother's face brightened just a little bit when she saw the flowers. 

Not a day passes where I don't miss her. I miss her touch, her laugh, her beautiful blue eyes and golden hair. I long for her kindness, her acceptance. She accepted me how I was, no matter what. Even on my worst days, she would be there for me. To this day, I still feel the gaping whole she left in my heart from time to time. That void will never be filled again. No one will ever take her place. And it's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that you will never be able to love the person who you once loved the same way again. Sometimes, when my grief gets too unbearable, it feels as though all of the air was knocked out of my lungs. It really does feel like a punch to the gut, but it's not quick. It lingers there, deep inside of me. It's the missing piece of my heart, the piece that died the same day that Prim did. 

It's been years and her death still shocks me. It still doesn't quite feel real. It's like my mind knows that I'm never going to hug her or see her face again. But my heart doesn't want to believe it. I'm not sure it can. I don't think I'll ever truly realize that she's never coming back, despite how many times I tell it to myself. I suppose it's some sort of coping mechanism that has been stitched into my mind. 

I feel like she's slipping from me, even though I still think about her all of the time. She's always there, in the back of my mind. She's been gone for a long time. I know that. But at least I had her memory, our memories. I knew exactly what her voice sounded like and how she moved. I can feel myself slowly forgetting these things. I know I won't forget her, I never could. But I also don't remember the details that made Prim herself. There are even several childhood memories that my mother sometimes talks about, when she has the heart to, that I can't remember. It's awful. It's as if I'm losing her all over again. 

I know it's selfish of me to be thinking of Prim this way right now, when Gale's wife is going to be buried tomorrow. But the funeral is the beginning of this awful train of thought. Because it's going to take place in the meadow, the corner of it where the grass doesn't grow high and the ground is scattered with gray stones. And beneath the ground lie the decomposed corpses of people who were once alive. They were living people, with thoughts, goals, families. My sister and Peeta's family are just several of them.

For that reason, I'm not quite sure I'll be able to handle attending the funeral tomorrow, just steps away from where my sister is buried. I want to, I really do. I want to go for Gale. I know how it feels to lose the person you love most in the world, quite possibly more than anyone. Not only did I lose Prim, but I lost part of Peeta too. His torturing in the Capitol changed him. Over the years, he's slowly been able to grow back to who he once was. But he's never going to be the same Peeta that I fell in love with before his hijacking. And I love Peeta now, with all my heart. Every day, over and over again, he continues to save me. He's my whole world. But even I notice some changes in him. He tends to be a bit more irrational in situations and he angers easily. After he was rescued, he had to completely begin again. He had to make new memories and sort out the fragments of the old ones. The Capitol took him from me and for that I'll never be able to stop hating them. And to this day, they're still here with me. Because of them, Peeta is different. Because of them, I am different. And I despise them for it.