Always: A Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 75

Katniss

I don't stop running until I'm in the square again. I lean against a brick wall of one of the dingy little shops my sister used to love while trying to catch my breath. I look over my shoulder. Gale didn't follow me. I feel the tears blur my vision again but I blink them away quickly. I'm not sure why I'm crying like this. I guess it's just the shock of seeing Gale with kids. My best friend, whom I never talk to anymore, with a family of his own. Not that I want that. I don't want kids. Definitely not anytime soon, anyway. Maybe my mind will change over time, when and if I prove to myself that the world isn't such a horrible place anymore. But I can see it in Peeta's eyes. He wants kids so badly. That's another reason why I wonder why he chose to love me. He could have any girl in the world. All of the girls in Panem surly adore him. But he chose to stick with me. We stick together.

I calm myself the best I can and begin walking back to the Victor's Village; a place I now call home. I guess rebuilding my house there helped me in some ways. In my old one, there would have been too many memories. Prim's ghost would be around every corner. But now I have nothing to hold onto that belonged to Prim. Not even that stupid cat, who ran off years ago and never showed up again. There were a few things I managed to save, though. The family plant book, that Peeta and I continue to add to everyday. My pearl that Peeta had fashioned into a necklace for my birthday last year. I wear it around my neck every day, not even taking it off when I shower. I also have the locket that Peeta gave me in the arena. And my mockingjay pin. There were a few other things, but none of any importance to me.

I walk up the steps of my house and through the door. I hang up my jacket and slip of my boots. I can hear Peeta in the kitchen, but I go straight to my bedroom. Peeta calls my name but I don't reply. I sit on the bed and bring my knees to my chest. I concentrate on my breathing and shut my eyes. "Katniss?" Peeta asks, opening the door. I don't stir. "Hey, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I mumble. He sits on the bed, beside me. "I'm fine, Peeta. I just want to be alone."

"Okay..." he whispers with a hurt look on his face. He kisses my head and leaves our room. I sigh and feel the tears again. Every time I shut my eyes it's a new landscape. A new scenario. Underground, the hisses of reptile mutts bouncing around the walls around me. The horrible panic in my stomach when I watched the fire that killed my sister explode before my eyes. The happiness I felt when Peeta was rescued, which soon turned to sheer terror. All of these things, so vivid and real. Even the smallest detail, like how Prim's hair looked, the shirt Peeta was wearing, Finnick's yelling. And I'm terrified those little details will never go away.

After a while, I decide to go downstairs again. Peeta is lying on the couch with his eyes closed. Sleeping. I kneel down beside him and brush a few blonde locks away from his face and smile weakly. He looks safe and happy while he sleeps. I wish he really is. I wish I am. I stand again. Just as I'm about to leave the room, Peeta's small smile flips and his face is ghostly white. A pang of panic surges through me but I calm myself when I realize it's just a nightmare. He gasps in his sleep and shuts his eyes tighter. I know what he's dreaming about. My nightmares are usually about losing you. I sit on the floor next to Peeta again and put a hand on his cheek, hoping it'll do enough to wake him up. When it doesn't, I kiss his forehead. "Peeta..." I say. His eyelids open and for a few seconds, he's dazed and scared looking. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here. I'm right here." He nods and puts a hand on my cheek. I kiss him and feel that hunger. The feeling I got in the cave and on the beach and so many days after that. The feeling I'll never get used to but will never get bored of.

"I love you Katniss," he says, pushing himself up to a sitting position. He pulls me into a hug and I press my face into his shoulder and take in his scent. He smells like dough. I'm beginning to think that it's never going to go away, and I can't say I'm unhappy about it. I shut my eyes and imagine us staying there, holding each other forever.

"I love you too, Peeta," I say. I can almost sense the bright smile on his face, even though I've said those words so many times before. But I know it's good to be sure. Because not knowing is one of the worst things you could ever feel. I know. I still remember the sadness, the horrible, gut wrenching feeling I had when I had no idea what the Capitol was doing to Peeta. If I had known what they were doing, I would have gone to the Capitol myself. I knew they were torturing him, but not like that. Never would I have thought that what they did was even possible. But then again, of course it is. It's the Capitol. The horrible, vile, disgusting Capitol.

"Katniss," he says, pulling away from our embrace. "You don't have to marry me if you don't want to. I don't want to force it-"

I get him to stop talking my kissing him again. I hate it. That he thinks I still don't love him, even though I continue to show it every single day. At least I think I do. I do the best I can. He knows that. I know he knows that. When we have to pull away from each other to catch our breath, I can see that Peeta knows I really do want to marry him, even though I didn't say a word.

***

Peeta left to help rebuild the District a little while after. He does it for about an hour everyday, except on weekends when he stays home with me. It's usually my woods time when he leaves, but I can't bring myself to go back there. It sounds childish, but I don't want to risk Gale still being there. And the only place I would really want to be in the woods is the lake anyway. But there's a good chance Gale didn't leave yet. When we hunted together years ago, we could stay out for hours. We would eat anything we could find for breakfast at home and meet in the woods after. We'd hunt until dark, when both of us brought our game to the Hob, traded and return home with the rest. I was surprised I never got bored of the routine. But then I would remember that the woods are my home. And I never get sick of my home.