Empathy (Finished)

Loneliness

Chapter 18

Loneliness.

I let out a deep sigh while I make circles with my fingers over Adrian's chest. I shouldn't have kissed Vanessa... I take a look at Vanessa's alarm, seven-thirty already. That's an entire night of feeling guilty. I mean I wanted to kiss her, she clearly wanted too... she wasn't ready for it though. She probably never would have been ready for it while she has Adrian. Seeing the way she looked at me... at first I just thought she saw me different because I've been a threat to her relationship with Adrian from day one. Yesterday though, everything changed. The moment we shared while we were waiting for the cake to finish. A smile forms on my lips, a lovely moment it had been. No one would have needed Adrian's gift to realize she liked me more than just a girl that's a friend. Her emotions had been very clear after that.

I turn my eyes to a sleeping Vanessa. She's so cute when she sleeps. I'm sure Vanessa sees me as a threat to her relationship, however not it turned into a different kind of threat. Before I was just the girl that could steal her boyfriend away. Now I'm the girl that can steal her boyfriend and her heart from her boyfriend. Personally I don't mind. Before I got to know Adrian I've only ever loved girls. Dad never even allowed me to go near boys, I screwed up that freedom after he had seen Adrian.

Adrian did change my view on boys. Before they've always just scared me senseless, especially dad. Adrian on the other hand... I never feared him. From the first time I saw him I knew he was different. Without a doubt I felt it with every cell in my body that Adrian would never do anything to cause me harm in any way. At least not on purpose. I could have undressed right in front of him and he would not even touch me if I told him not to. And I'm not stupid, I would know he'd die from longing to touch me. But nevertheless if I would not give him permission, he would not touch me.

Whats even more special about Adrian... he gives me courage. With him near I'm not scared to try and stand up to my father. For as long as Adrian has my back I'd have the courage to ignore my father's commands. It's because of Adrian and Vanessa even that I'm still here. That night... had it not been for the two of them I'd have gone with my father. Who knows what would have happened after that. I'm curious though why I've never feared Adrian. Any other boy I've ever come across with I'd be worried they do the same thing father has done to me. Especially that one time... I'll never forgive him for that. It still leaves an empty space within me, even if I never chose for that to happen. Thankfully mom has been supporting on that, even if it's because of her own selfish reasons. Things would have ended differently if dad hadn't been the first one to get to me that night.

Again I let out a sigh. I push myself up a little to take turns at looking at Vanessa's sleeping face and Adrian's. They're so beautiful... but how can I love two people? I've always had a good sense of my own emotions. I'm positive that I love Vanessa just as much as I love Adrian. I never expected it to be possible to be in love with two people.

A smile forms on my lips. They look cute together. I lie back down onto Adrian's chest and feel a tear stinging in my eyes. At least Vanessa still allows me to sleep in one bed with them. It's been years since I last slept in a bed. A bed is used for other things, at least that's how I used to think. All I ever used a bed for after I turned twelve is painful unpleasant things. I can still feel the pain of that first night. After that night I haven't been able to sleep alone in a bed. The nights I would sleep in a bed I wouldn't be alone nor would it be a pleasant night. I actually forgot how safe a bed can feel if it's used correctly. The ground seems so cold these days, how I've been sleeping on the ground for the past seven years is a mystery to me. Everything I'm doing these days when it comes to sleeping has been the things I've been dreading since I turned twelve. Who'd have thought I'd sleep on a boys chest, in a bed.