DEATH BATTLE

Episode 15: Captain James Hook vs Captain Jack Sparrow

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Peter Pan vs. Pirates of the Caribbean! Two of fiction's most respected and feared pirate captains will duel. Who will walk the plank in the end?

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Wiz: As humankind began to set out into the high seas, a threat accompanied them: piracy. Ever since then, pirates have been terrorizing seafarers, but few of them are as feared and respected in fiction as our two combatants today.

Boomstick: Captain James Hook, the archnemesis of Peter Pan.

Wiz: And Captain Jack Sparrow, the witty master of the Black Pearl.

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

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CAPTAIN JAMES HOOK

Wiz: The vast, mysterious isle of Neverland. It is home to some of the most queer beings fiction has ever conceived.

Boomstick: This overdramatic fairy, these Pied Piper kids rejects...you name it.

Wiz: The queerest of them all is probably the enigmatic Peter Pan, who basically just kidnaps children from London and traps them in Neverland so they won't grow up forever.

Boomstick: But that didn't stop him from being the main character. And like all main characters in twisted children's books, ol' Peter's got a nemesis, which is...this...guy.

Wiz: Captain James Hook is, well, a pirate captain. He plundered and pillaged towns and merchant ships, but at the height of his career, he lost his right arm to a crocodile...that shouldn't exist in the waters of Neverland since that island's in the middle of the sea.

Boomstick: Come on, Wiz! This is Disney. Things happen.

The toys in Andy's room come to life once their owner departs the room.

Boomstick: For instance, that.

Wiz: And this?

Terra unleashes Ultima, obliterating Alex.

Boomstick: NOOOOOOOOO! WHY, WIZARD?!

Wiz: *sneaky laugh* You now have nothing against me--

Boomstick: *searching through Wiz's web history* Hey, Wizard! Nice fanfics. *reads aloud* "Y-Yang, what are you doing...?" Blake said as Yang was taking off her socks--

*Technical difficulties, this analysis is falling way out of place*

Wiz: *clears throat* ...Fortunately, for our Captain, the loss of his arm didn't impede him from his goal: to subdue Peter Pan. To solve his...arm problem, he attached... *cue Star Wars main theme*

Boomstick: Attached...?

Wiz: Attached...a hook. *Star Wars main theme stops*

Boomstick: ...

Wiz: What?

Boomstick: Like any other stereotypical pirate, Hook has a dumbass hook for a hand. But he's a...surprisingly good swordsman. I'll give him that.

Wiz: Despite his injury, Hook is a master swordsman, able to trounce the likes of Peter Pan, and hold his ground against the likes of Ventus and Sora. Hook also has a habit of tossing exploding presents at people's faces.