Brutally Honest Reviews™

Where The Heaven Are We

⚠️ Excessive use of annoying whining used in this review. Reader discretion is advised. ⚠️

Word Count: 1065

UPDATE: The author has changed the title on the cover since the review.

Title: Where the Heaven Are We

Genre: Humor

Blurb: How Mitya Bogomolov comes to terms with the fact that life is moving, changing, and being turned upside down in more ways than he can imagine, and learns that playing wall ball and ignoring them definitely isn't the solution.

Status: Ongoing

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Starting Points: 30

Cover:

*Biggie's voice* "First things first—" this is horrible.

-Just kidding! I strangely like this.

-At first I thought it was absolute shit, and I was ready to dive into "the drag," but I stared at it a bit longer and I now like the concept. Personally, I think it fits the humor genre, and it reminds me of a Disney channel tv show back when Disney channel was worth watching. It's quirky and cute, so whoever did it kudos to them, and if it was you, congrats! Your cover is doing its job.

Title: *Sighs*

-Do you know that when you first requested, I already knew I was going to rank you for this? Well, now you do. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but the phrase is usually, "Where the Heaven[s] Are We?"

-It's also bad that you didn't include the question mark. Your title is a question man, so a question mark is needed. (-3)

Blurb: Seems more like a tv show's description when you're surfing the channels. Isn't really bad, but needs work. It's kind of bland as is. (-3)

Plot: Mitya Bogomolov needs to get his shit together?? This is a really weak plot as of right now.

*Future me slides in* Yikes, I misgendered the character....*she.

*Runs*

Opening thoughts:

-I want to close this book forever. (-2)

-I have never felt more offended in my life. The fact that this entire chapter is written in second person in an attempt to insert the reader into the story is appalling. It isn't working at all, and I'm just severely turned off. (-5)

-There are run-on sentences everywhere. (-4)

Characters:

-The readers. Our name is supposed to be some chick named Mitya. We are apparently part of the book, which none of us asked for, but of course the writer felt that forcing us to do live-action roleplaying was an ethical and smart decision. I'm internally bleeding, and I hope you're proud of yourself. (-5)

-Some Russian names are being thrown around and I have no idea what role they play. I think we're supposed to be associated with them? *Unamused expression*

-The narrator. They need to be destroyed. The narrator is dictating every single thing we the readers (who are also forreal in the story) are supposed to see, who we're friends with, our personalities, what we wear, and even what we like?! The fucking nerve of this vapor punk! (-3)