Brutally Honest Reviews™

The Detective Series: Give Up the Ghost (N)

Word Count: 2828

Title: The Detective Series: Give up the Ghost (title in progress to change one day)

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Blurb: At 23 years old, Nolen is a ghost, one without a true identity. Gunshots echoed through the still night, as Nolen becomes an eye witness to a murder but at the price of being the prime suspect. On the run, Nolen, along with the help of Justine, must find the truth of the crime.

~NEW BLURB~

At 23 years old, Nolen is a ghost, one without a true identity. Gunshots echoed through the still night, as Nolen becomes an eye witness to a murder but at the price of being the prime suspect. On the run, Nolen, along with the help of Justine, must find the truth of the crime.

What lies in wait for Nole? Will they be too much for him to handle? What sort of the puzzle does the duo have to solve? Find out in the this mysteriously thrilling tale told through the eyes of Nolen himself.

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: Comes across more as a fanfiction cover than anything else, and kind of mediocre, but not that bad. It's decent though it doesn't look professional either. Overall, the cover found in the prologue is more effective than this one. (-1)

Title: Super ashy and too long for no good reason. It just doesn't work at all for me and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. (-1)

Blurb: Something about the first sentence to this blurb is strangely familiar and it's rubbing me off the wrong way. Weird. Besides from that, this summary is lackluster, the grammar is horrifyingly bad, and overall: confusing. I see what the author tries to execute here but its weak and doesn't work well. I'd advise on throwing it out completely since it doesn't even merit an actual impression from me at all. It is almost like reading out the hurried scribbles of someone who just thought of an idea still in its embryo stage. The way it is right now only tells the reader how unfinished it is. (-3)

Plot: No name sees someone does a thing so they are now a person of interest. In other words: uninteresting, seen it before—at least for now. *Shrugs*

Opening thoughts:

*Claps hands together*

-So, there's a very specific timestamp that tells us the date, year, and exact time of when we come into this character's life. I'm not much of a stickler for them since they can be used to get that kind of information across easily and its not a huge offense, but its presentation could be improved. It's a small note, but a note.

-Aside from that, the story is taking place two centuries from now...which is surprising and not in a good way, but I digress. Excerpt: [A loud echo broke the silent night. Being in the living room, cleaning in the kitchen, I figured it was just thunder in the distance when another boom followed.]

-I. Am. Bored. I've read so many opening sentences like this that I'm immune to it. Think of something new and engaging! This tells me nothing unique but that the author is unimaginative! The second sentence is almost nonsensical too. Is the MC in the living room or are they cleaning in the kitchen? Is this a typo, or? What is this array or words even trying to convey?

-Really, the entire opening paragraph needs to be fixed structurally for the sake of brevity and coherency. I know what is trying to be said, yes, but it's all passed off with a messy urgency that it's hard to not twitch at, not to mention how colloquial the narration is coming off.