Whole Lotta Love
Izzy's POV
I sit perfectly quite in a chair, hidden by shadows. I'm blending into it like a cameli. I watch my own chest rise and fall as Axl breaths in his sleep. My body looks so peaceful. When I tell myself that thats Axl in there I almost don't believe it. It's so strange to look at me. In my head all I see is Axl. And I know I carry a secret love for him. But how do I ever tell him? Is that the secret I carry? The thing I have to overcome? I wish I knew for sure. Maybe it is as simple as getting sober.
I've been watching him sleep all night, without any narcotic aid surprisingly. I use it as time to get to stare at him without him realizing that I am. He would probably find it creepy. Then he would demand on me telling him what it was that was making me stare. I sure as hell couldn't answer that. I should probably just go. But nothing in me wants to leave. I couldn't rip myself away if I wanted to, who am I kidding?
Just then my eyes open. Axl sits up a little and turns on the light. He sees me and jumps in shock. "What the fuck?!"
Oh hell, what do I say?
"What are you doing watching me sleep?" Axl asks.
"I was worried you might get sick. I was..." I just forgot what I was going to do say. I know I must look really ominous sitting here in the fucking dark just looking at him like some sex predator. I'm not a sex predator, for the record. However, I could easily turn into one if he ever gave me half the chance. I guess my answer satisfies him because he doesn't say anything else. Well not a least for a few minutes.
"Izzy," he says my name and it's strange to hear myself saying it.
"Yeah?" I look at him, well myself.
"He...he used to come in my room and just stand there watching me. I was so afraid that he'd...Fuck... Izzy you can't just..."he stops his words and shakes my head
"Fuck, I'm sorry Axe, I didn't mean to... I didn't think. I'm sorry." My voice in the tone of his voice is so fucking hard to get used to. But I really was sorry. I can't believe it didn't occur to me to think about that before I stalked him.
"It's ok," he nods looking down, "we're supposed to be sharing secrets, right?"
I just nod.
"Now share a secret with me Izzy," I hear my voice saying so softly.
"Fuck man, you know them all already," I say.
"Oh I doubt that, come on there has to be something."
"Not that I can think of right now," I shake his head.
"So I guess you like being in my body?" He smirks at me with my own damn smirk.
"No. I just don't have a secret."
"The weird Voo doo guy said we all had secrets and things to overcome."
I slide Axl's hand up, "Um...junkie Axe, I think that's something to overcome."
"Yeah, well I think one of the things have to overcome is...is being afraid to close my eyes because some sick fuck wants to..."his words trail off and I can see a tear roll down my cheek.
I quickly get up and go over to him. I touch his shoulder, "You don't have to be afraid of him anymore. He's in the past. He can't come after you anymore."
He nods and glances at me, "I used to always wish you were my brother. I wanted your mom to be my mom."
I can't think of anything to tell him. But I sit next to him, looking at myself. But if I close my eyes I can imagine the sound of his voice. I can let my imagination see the flaming red hair so long and straight. And what fantasy is complete without touching? Just a brush. Just once. And I find myself reaching over to him to push. A strand of hair behind his ear. My hazel eyes look up at me. I look a little confused. He parts my lips, like he wants to say something but doesn't. I love you Axl. I love you. I love you. I fucking love you so much. Why can't I just tell him? I mean, what if this is the one piece of information about me that can get me back into my body? But like the cowardice am, I just say nothing. I'm such an idiot. I know better than to, even for a second think, that he could ever love me?
"Izzy?" He finally whispers my name, "what did you say to me when I was on the sidewalk half out of it?"
"I... I don't remember," I shake his head. But I did remember. I had told him I loved him. I was tripping out and thinking that he might die right there. I just said it. I didn't think about whether or not he heard. As it stands I don't think he heard me clearly. However, the way he keeps asking, I've got to wonder.
