I'll Be Watching You
Nikki's POV
I've been doing a lot of thinking this last week. I've been observing the bonds people form to one another. The ever forgiving bond of family seems pretty nice. Bond of blood. When I was at Duff's families house i just watched they way they all interacted with one another. They laughed, joked, told stories of the past, and just enjoyed being together. I never got all the hype about family and blood being thicker than water. But I think I sorta get it now. Even animals form bonds and family. Birds mate for life and when the mate dies the other grieves itself to death. Maybe there's people out there that are like birds.
It opened up this longing in me. I had no clue what I was missing because I never had a family really. Not one like Duff's anyway . I guess I never will either. My own family is a lost cause. If I want a family I'm going to have to make my own. My own family of little Sixx's. I can't believe I'm actually saying this. I honestly want a family. I'm tired of being all alone. Every encounter or interaction I have are just superficial surface encounters. There are no true bonds. Tommy comes the closest, but all we do is wreak havoc and be fucked up rock stars. There's no true substance to our friendship. Without Motley and drugs I seriously doubt that we'd even have a reason to speak to one another.
I've also been observing the Gunners and their bonds of friendship. They would all lay their very lives on the line for each other. They were always there for each other when needed. They always had each other's backs. And that's not really how my friendship with Tommy works. He's more of a minion than a best friend. I guess he might have my back and put his life on the line for me, but I'm not so sure if I would for him. If there was a true bond there I would, right? It only seems logical to think that I would. But I just can't see myself being that good of a friend.
It's been me against the world since I took my first breath of air. By six I knew that the only person that I could depend on was me. The only safe and sure bet was on myself. I never gave a shit about making friends. I guess I just didn't trust people. I couldn't even trust my own family. If you can't trust family what makes you think you can trust friends? So me and my army of one, we just rode solo. But watching the Gunners...I see that it is probable that you can trust someone besides yourself. I really wished that I had friends like these. But they are merely acquaintances to me. I don't think that they really like me all that much. Maybe I have Messiah complex and just stand on a pedestal above everyone else. Until more recently I did think I was better than everyone else. But now I'm starting to see that I'm not.
Then there's the Izzy and Axl situation. I've never been in love before. Nor have I ever seen the real deal. Not until those two. Izzy loved Axl so fucking much that he didn't think he could take it. I know that he thinks that his love is one sided, but it's not. Axl feels something. It's really obvious to everyone except Izzy and Axl. But I see the way they both look at one another when they think that the other isn't looking. Axl is very lucky to have someone who thinks the world of him. But he just refuses to see what's right in front of his face. And what happens when you love someone so much it hurts and they won't return the same feelings? They try to kill themselves.
I wished I could fathom a love that deep. Loving someone so deeply that life without them just isn't worth living. Loving so much that it literally hurts. Every heartbeat hurting. Every breath leaving you aching. I feel what I think is empathy for Izzy. He loved Axl so much without any kind of a return and it hurt so much he just couldn't live with it. I guess he decided that death was the only thing that could bring him peace. It looked pretty fucking awful... but I'd give anything to experience that. Just knowing that I meant that much to someone would be so gratifying. I guess I just haven't met the right person. Or maybe I have but they just couldn't break down my walls.
Maybe I'm starting to realize that my walls don't protect me as much as they hinder me. They keep people out. How did I expect to have any bonds when I never open my draw bridge so someone can get in? I live in a world of people. I can't go my entire life just using them as stepping stones and thinking that they're out to get me. I had to stop living in the clouds above everyone. I need to learn how to let my feet touch the ground and walk among them. Everyone needs someone else to share their lives with. Someone to share the good times and the bad times. Maybe it's not too late for me. Maybe I can turn it all around.
I think for the first time in my life I feel hopeful. I think I can change so that I don't have to be alone anymore. I needed a lover who would die without my love. I needed a family that would love me no matter what. I needed friends who had my back and encouraged me. I think I get it now, in order to better myself I needed bonds. Everybody needs somebody that they can depend on. And I'm no exception to that. I needed people too, I just never realized it till now. And I know that I would have never discover such epiphanies in my own body. Being in Duff is making my feet tickle the ground. Being in Duff has humbled me.
