More Than Words
Axls POV
I just sit there and zone out while Izzy sticks a needle in my vein. I haven't said one word to him since his big confession. Fuck, what could I say? He's been staying out of my way all together. I'm surprised that he didn't try to subcontract out the duty of shooting his body up. I watch as he focuses my green eyes so intently on his arm to which I will get high. I don't get as high now because the dosage gets tapered down each day. It's enough to keep Izzy's body from going into withdrawal. But there's still some mild discomfort in the tapering off. But it's nothing I can't handle.
I've been trying really hard to not think about Izzy's professions of undying love for me. I just can't think about it. Maybe I'm still in shock about it. Or maybe I just don't know how I feel about it. He's my best fucking friend. He's the only person who truly gets me. I don't want to lose that. But now there's this big cloud hanging above us. Izzy thinks that I'm just homophobic, but that's not it. Im not mad that Izzy swings both ways. In fact, the only thing I really feel right now is curiosity.
I wonder what it's like to fuck a guy. I'm not gay, but it would be interesting to know what it's like. Not experiencing it, just hearing details about it. I guess I could break the glacier between us by asking. Who better to ask than my bisexual best friend? I swallow and feel how dry Izzy's throat is. He injects me and I feel the heroin spread through me. Izzy pulls the needle out and gazes at it longingly. Addiction isn't just a physical thing. It's very much mental too. While Izzy's not feeling that craving in my body, his mind still thinks about it.
"How's getting sober feel?" I say.
Izzy looks almost shocked that I'm speaking to him. "It's fine," he nods my head and looks down. But I saw the way he looked at that needle.
"You're gonna have to do more onstage when you sing," I say changing the subject.
"I'm not a front man Axe," he shakes my head.
"You are for now so you better get used to it," I tell him
"Why bother? Nikki was entertaining enough."
"I wish you would take this more seriously. We don't have a clue about how long we will be like this. It could be a long time. But we can't just throw in the towel. We've worked too hard to get to where we are."
He just nods my head, "Yeah Axe, I'll try harder."
"Izzy...I'm curious... what's it like to fuck another man?"
My eyes dart up at me for a split second. I can see my ears turning bright red. Wow, I've embarrassed Izzy. "It's like...tight pussy. And guys like it rougher than chicks do."
"Soooo are you like the pitcher or the catcher?"
My face gets even redder as Izzy focuses on my hands. "Depends. I like both."
I just shake his head. "I can't believe you never told me. I've been your best friend for ten fucking years. How could I not know?"
"Because I'm good at keeping secrets," is his reply.
"Did you ever think that maybe you should have told me?"
"Why? So you could freak out? Walk out? Run away? You can't stand being around me now. And if I would have told you from the beginning...well we most likely wouldn't be having this conversation ten years later."
I guess he might have been right. I probably wouldn't have been his friend if he told me in the beginning. But we are friends. And I still want us to be friends. I didn't want this thing coming in-between us. "I'm not mad Izzy," I sigh, "I just never expected...it's...just..."
"Sudden?" He asks finishing my sentence.
"Yeah. Its just... you've had a lot of time to get used to this. I have. It's a lot to take in man, no pun intended," I raise his eyebrows and smile.
Izzy gives me my own smirk, "Ah ha, you've been checking out my dick haven't you?"
"Well I am it's care taker afterall," I shrug his shoulders, "Bet you've done more than just check mine out, haven't you?"
He chuckles softly, "Well you did lay the no sex rule...guys gotta release tension somehow, right?"
"That's an image I so don't want in my head right now."
"You mean my head?" He snorts.
"Anybody's head," I clarify. Then I sigh, "We're still friends Izz. Just keep your hands to yourself...my hands to yourself."
"Be logical Axe, I still gotta piss occasionally. Showers are a plus too," he says looking away.
"Granted, but beyond that...that's it, agreed?"
"Sure Axe," he nods. "So we're cool?"
"Yeah, we're cool," I nod.
And I did mean it, but there's all this shit swimming around my head. I don't even know what I'm thinking so hard about? Izzy being gay...or wondering if maybe I am too. I mean, how do you really know until you try it out? I mean let's think about the logistics for a moment...if I was ever going to try to have sex with a man that man would most likely be Izzy. I don't know or trust anyone else to let them do some weird shit to me. Maybe that's making it sound as if I'm open to fucking Izzy, but that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if. If is a big word. And if it ever happened it would be with Izzy.
