Blue Monday
Izzy's POV
I'd say he was more shocked than anything. How could he not be after I drop a bomb on him like that? People just don't tell you every day that they're in love with you. For guys like me and Axl, they say it even less. My confession was probably the last thing he ever expected to hear from me. He did afterall think I was straight. Now he's reevaluating and asking himself what he missed. Had I in fact, always loved him? Or was I just saying this now as some desperate attempt to get us back into our own bodies?
He can't even get up off the floor. He's just staring at me with my own face. I don't think that I even understand the look on my own face. I know that there's no need to say anything else. I've said plenty already. Too much. I should just leave. He tends to figure things out better when he's alone. At least he's not pissed...well at least I think he's not pissed. He might be irate when he comes up off the floor. Yeah, leaving might be the wisest thing to do.
"I'll leave," I say and turn for the door.
"You'll leave?" I hear my voice ask from the floor. "You tell me your biggest secret is that you love me? Now you just think you can leave?!"
I just shrug his shoulders, "I don't know what else to do." Shit. "I don't know what else you want me to say Axe," I hang his head.
"Well, you can start with when you decided that you're in love with me," he said slowly raising my body up off the floor.
That question could more easily be answered by telling him a time when I wasn't in love with him. I'd loved him all along. From day one I loved him. It took me years to be able to accept it. God knows I fought it. It was never my plan to love him, but somehow that's the hand I got dealt. "What's it matter?" I sigh and push his hair out of my eyes.
"Considering that it just might be one of the keys to get us back in our own bodies, I'd say it's pretty fucking relevant," he furrows my own eyebrows at me. "Just answer me. How long?"
"Fuck... I don't know. I haven't exactly been counting the days. A long time. Since Indiana," I say.
"We were just kids..."
I nod. I'm aware we were just kids. I know we didn't know anything about the world. But there's no point in denying it. I loved him then and I love him now. "I'm sorry," I say because I don't know what else to say to him. But I'm not sorry. Not in the least. I could never regret what I feel for him. It was probably the only thing that I knew without a shadow of a doubt. It doesn't even matter to me that he could never feel the same. It felt so good to get that weight off my shoulders.
"You're sorry? That's all you have to say? You're sorry?!" He asks getting louder and louder. "How am I supposed to feel about this Izzy?!"
"Feel whatever you want Axl, it doesn't matter. I said my big secret. I'm in love with my best friend. I don't care if you understand that or not. It's not important if you feel the same. Even if you hate me now, it's irrelevant. I have held that secret in for years. I had to say it. I had to say it for me. I had to say it for us! Don't you want your fucking body back so you can fuck your goddamn girlfriend?!" I shout at him. His voice gets so much louder and serious sounding than my own.
And he just stands there silently. I can see my hands shaking but he doesn't even breathe. I know my body's craving a fix, but he doesn't seem to realize it. He almost looks a little worried. I'm not really sure why. Maybe he's worried because I lay it all out in the sake of returning our bodies to their rightful owners. Maybe he doesn't know what his secret and thing to overcome is. Maybe he fears that I'll get my body back and he wont.
"So... You're gay?" He softly asks staring at the floor.
"Gay? No. I'm not gay...not completely. I like fucking chicks just fine. But I also like fucking guys sometimes. I guess I'm bi or whatever. Fuck, what's it matter?" I feel agitation creep under my... Axl's skin.
"Izzy... I..."
"Like I said Axl, your feelings on this matter just don't matter. This is how I feel. I do have feelings you know. And they're mine and mine alone. I'm not sorry at all. I won't take it back. I'm in love with you. Fucking deal with it or don't. Beat my ass if you think your homophobic pride has been assaulted. Just don't stand there and say we can't be together, that we can't feel that way about each other. I know all that already. Nothing you can say or do can change anything!"
"No, you're right," he almost whispers and nods. "It's just...it's all really sudden for me. I mean... I had no idea... I would have never thought that you...that you could..." he shakes my head and tries very hard to find the right words to say to me.
Truth is, there are no right or wrong words right now. I said the words my soul had been crying out for years. Now it's his turn to listen to his own soul. My fucking work here is done. Hello, my name is izzy, and I'm an addict and hopelessly in love with my best friend. There. That's all there is to me. That's my thing to overcome and my deepest darkest secret.
"I... I gotta get out of here," He says and pushes past me. I let him go because I know that if I try to detain him he will just start a fight with me. I don't want to fight with him. I just want to be back in my own skin because being in his just hurts too much. All feelings feel more real. His body lacks heroin. Right now I really wanted to anesthetize the thoughts rolling around in my head. I want it all to just melt away and become just a state of being. Maybe that's selfish, maybe it's bad for me, but I'm too ill equipped to deal with this kind of shit.
