Don't Go

Chapter Twelve

The feeling of guilt started setting in the pit of my stomach, the moment Brian walked out my bedroom door.  I showered quickly, and got dressed to go to the party.  I tried texting Brian, but he was ignoring me completely.  The party didn’t start for about another hour, so I sat down stairs, and watched the clock until it was safe for me to leave, and start walking.  As I was walking towards Matt’s house, I tried calling Brian again.  No answer.  Then, I try texting him.  He doesn’t answer me.  He’s really dragging this out.  I don’t even understand what I did wrong, and why he’s acting like this.  He’s never acted like this about a fight we’ve had.  He’s always made sure I was okay, and I did the same with him.  This is different.  It’s actually causing chest pains.

                I was almost to Matt’s house, and I could already see cars lined up the street, and people flowing in and out of the house.  I didn’t bother knocking, and I just walked inside.  When I opened the door, Liam was just about to exit.  “Oh, I’m so—” he started, and noticed who it was.

                “You’re still mad at me?” I asked, not letting him around me to leave.

He shook his head, “Why would I be mad at you?”

I just looked at me for a second.  Does he think I’m stupid?  “Never mind.” I walked past him, and started searching the house for Brian.  I know he’s here, because I saw his car out front.  I walked into the kitchen, and I found the girls that belonged to the guys, and none of the guys.  “Where are they?” I asked, walking closer.

They all exchanged looks, before Midge replied to me. “They?” she repeated with a smile they all shared.

I raised an eyebrow, “Yeah…they…”I clarified and trailed off.  They know I’m looking for Brian.

                “Brian is out back with Zacky.  Probably getting wasted.” Lindsey laughed.

I nodded, and walked out of the kitchen.

I got to the sliding glass door, and before I opened it, I spotted Brian.  And just as Linds said, he was with Zacky and they each had a beer in their hands.  I rolled my eyes, and opened the door.  I had to make my way across the lawn, and through small crowds of people.  Brian had his back turned to me, so I took him by surprise when I appeared in front of him.  His surprised face quickly left, and went hard and cold.  “I thought you weren’t coming?” he asked, taking a sip of the beer he had in his hand.               

                “You know I don’t like it when we fight.” I whispered.  Brian gave Zacky a look, and Zack left without a word.  I stood where Zack was once standing, directly in front of Brian.  “Why do you like picking fights with me?” he asked.

My eyes widened, “I pick fights with you?  If I remember, you’ve started everyone since you’ve been back.”

                “It’s because I love you.  I fight with you, because I love you.”

I had to think for a second, and he just stared at me with puppy eyes.  “Well that’s a funny way of showing it.”

He shook his head, laughing at nothing humorous.  “What’s so funny?” I questioned.

                “I just told you I love you, and you’re going to be a critic.” He shook his head once more, before turning away and walking off.  We always tell each other they we love one another.  I didn’t take any different than when he said those same words to me a few nights ago.  I don’t think the love I’m thinking about, is the same love Brian is talking about.  Another wave of guilt washed over me. 

                By the time I had the chance to collect my thoughts; Brian was already out of sight.  I ran back inside, and searched for him again.  I accidently ran into Jimmy on my way up the stairs, “Hey, slow down munchkin.”

                “Have you seen Brian?” I asked, trying to catch my breath.

He nodded, “He’s talking to Matt.” He jerked his thumb in the direction of Matt’s room.

                “What are they talking about?” I asked.

He shrugged a shoulder.  “They kicked me out.  So it must have been important.”

                “Well, I need to talk to him.” I took a deep breath, to keep me from squeezing out a few tears.

Jimmy tilted his head to look at me, “Want to talk about it?”

I let a few tears fall, and I wiped them away quickly.  I nodded, and I followed Jimmy out the front door.  I sat with him on the bench that sat on the front porch. 

                He gave me a few minutes before he asked me what was going on.  “Brian.  He’s just really confusing.” I continued wiping the tears that fell.

                “How so?” he asked.

I shrugged.  “He told me he loved me outside.  And I don’t know how he meant it.  Because he got really upset when I didn’t say it back.”

                “Why didn’t you say it back?”

I breathed in, and let it out slowly, giving me a chance to think.  “I was too busy being an asshole.” I mumbled.

Jimmy sighed, and moved closer to me.  “Do you like him, J?”

I turned my head in his direction, “Of course.  He’s my best friend.  I don’t know what I would do without him.”

Jimmy laughed and shook his head.  “No, that’s not what I meant.”

                “Oh…”

Jimmy gave me the look, as if he was repeating the question.  I turned away from him.  “I never really thought about it, until the night he came back to be honest.  I just feel weird…” I trailed off once again, getting choked up.

                “He does love you.” He replied.  “And I’m not talking about as a friend.”

I gulped hard.  Jimmy just clarified Brian’s intentions. 

My stomach dropped as I turned to face Jimmy.  “I don’t know if I feel like that towards him.” I lied.  I know exactly how I feel.  I just don’t know if I’m in love with Brian.

                “You need to talk to him.” Jimmy pushed.

I shook my head.  “He won’t even talk to me.  I’ve tried, Jimmy.”

                “Don’t stop trying.  Your friendship is stronger than that.”

I knew he was right, and I had to accept that.  I stood off the bench, and Jimmy mocked my actions.  “I’m going to go home.  Tell Johnny I said Happy Birthday.  I’ll see you when you get back.” 

He opened his arms, and I walked into them.  He kissed the top of my head before letting me go.  “I’ll see you soon.”   He gave me a smile before walking inside, and closing the door behind him.

I walked back to my house, and ran upstairs.  I slammed my door shut, and collapsed on my bed.  I looked up at the ceiling, and let the first tear fall.  What have I done?

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I'll make them confess soon.  I promise, haha. xD