Take Me Home, Ground Control

Inner Awkwardness

Sup friends!

Does anyone else experience that awkwardness at school? Like about your identity? And how do you deal with it?

I tend to feel awkward about being trans because I don't fit in with the cis guys very well. I still know I'm not a girl, but I think I'm pretty feminine. I've noticed I try to compensate for my lacking when it comes to my dick, so when I'm with masculine people my voice naturally drops lower, I stand taller, and I get more loud confidence to join in the conversations. Or I just hide in a corner and don't talk. I always have a disconnect with people in a gender way. Like I don't fit with girls very well because I don't think the same way but I also don't act like the guys. So I hang out with vaguely feminine and very liberal people. I'm awkward in my classes because I always get misgendered. I feel awkward because people misgender me because I appear to be a girl, but they don't realize how uncomfortable it is for me. They just say "she" or "her" and the words pass by and they keep talking and I inwardly cringe at it and don't know how to correct them after they finish talking. I'm just so awkward. I'm the weird kid who doesn't fit in with any cliques. I've just got the few people who actually respect me and they're my bandmates, queer people, and/or emo people. Aghhhhh. Why am I so awkward.

Speaking of bandmates, I've decided I'm doing solo work as an artist and polishing my personal album outside of the band. Depending on where my band goes, I might start a second band because no matter what I want to take part in a specific genre of music that may be different from my band's style. Also, I'm trying to refine my look as a solo artist because I want an appearance and presentation to make my music look as unique as I hope it will sound. As much as I love a lot of aesthetics, I need to explore for something more personal and unique to myself and my stage presence for when I get gigs and do open mic nights. I'm just going to say it'll be fabulous and really questionable as far as fashion choices go. That's all for now. Think of what would happen if David Bowie and science fiction costume designers went crazy in the fashion industry. Then put that on a weird, queer satanist.

I'm also hoping to publish a novel someday. I scrapped over 60 pages last year from what was gonna be the first book in a series and I'm restarting in the same world with my original antagonist being the protagonist of the new book, and I'm actually doing a good outline this time. I'm also hoping to be an artist and sell my paintings because I'm a decent artist and need several places to get income from as a creative person who probably won't have a stable, high-salary career.

But I'm so awkward and anxious around people. How do I become a public person and find a stage presence and put my story out when I can't even talk to people? Ughhhh. I'm so awkward.

Stay strong!
Love ya,
Carter
He/him
<3 ;