Take Me Home, Ground Control

Poetry Slam 2017!

I did it!

I actually went up to a stage in front of 30 people and talked about personal stuff today. I made people laugh and people yelled out in agreement. It felt good to be back up on a stage and even better for people to give a good and genuine response to my ideas.

It's been strange. Lately I've noticed myself making people laugh more than I ever have. People actually think I'm funny when I make jokes in conversations, which is bizarre to me.

Also, I said some things I never thought I would. Like when talking to myself 3 years ago I said I "never really needed those suicide notes" and I also talked about the hats I always wear and pulled mine off to let my hair fall out and reveal that (surprise!) I have really long hair. All in front of a bunch of people I don't know very well.

During the intermissions I chilled with 3 cisgender guys who all called me "dude" and masculine stuff, which felt so nice. And they also initiated some conversations, and wanted to talk to me, which people rarely do. It felt nice to have people actually want to talk to me and actually accept me as another dude. And we messed around and all made fun of each other in a friendly, not offensive or bigoted, way and generally were just a group of teenage boys interacting normally. It was weird, but awesome.

I'm nowhere close to passing, but I'm working towards it. I'm just trying to hold myself together in the process.

There was a requirement that everybody writes something nice for every poet, so while there were generic"I like your use of repetition" and "great poem" comments, people also liked my hat thing and thought I was funny and maybe even eloquent.

I was so unprepared for people to actually like me today. Weird.

Unrelated, but I'm worried about a trans guy friend. Little things can trigger his anger and dysphoria and I don't want him to hurt himself or others. He doesn't want to meet with a counselor because they can't really understand the all the things trans people go through, but I can't totally help him on my own. I'm also learning a lot about myself from this friendship because we have the same personality and self hatred for the same reasons and similar interests and everything, and it's really showing me what it's like for other people to be my friend. We always compare ourselves to each other like "you're legs are so masculine" or "you're hella cute" or whatever, but it's less of a compliment and more of wistfulness and wanting to be the other person because of how much we can hate ourselves. We're both such a mess and don't know how to draw lines. I'm feeling hurt by the things he has said to me when he has flipped out over minor things I've said, but I also really want to do everything I can to help him because I'm one of his best friends and he needs support with all the awful stuff he has been going through. I know that if we ever have a falling out that it will be messy and hard. I also know that our friendship has the potential to be awesome and last for years.  Aghhh I'm terrible at emotions.

When I'm 18 I might get a tattoo of my signature's heart and semicolon. Hmm.

I've also decided that the day I'm legally an adult, I'm going to give my family a decision: love and accept all of me, or don't make contact with me again. If they resist or choose the latter, I'm moving out with whatever I can take and finishing school while probably living in a car or something.

You know the song Caraphernalia? What it means? Leaving stuff and letting them be reminded of me. Also Bulletproof Love? I'm trying, but if they'll attack that attempt, I'm leaving. There's my attitude generally. So that's it: love me or leave me. As soon as legally possible. Because this is toxic.

I'm a bit frustrated now, but it'll be okay.

I'm sending virtual hugs and comfort food and warm blankets to all of you.

Love ya,
Carter
<3 ;