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"no work today?" dan mumbled sleepily, snaking his arms around phil's torso from behind, his forehead pressed against phil's shoulder and phil leaned back slightly in his touch, lowering the flames so he doesn't accidentally burn the slowly browning pancake in the pan.

"i don't have work for the next three days, it's christmas tomorrow darling," phil reminded him, cautiously flipping the pancake and turning around to face dan, his fingers reaching up and pushing a tangled set of curls off dan's forehead.

"that's pretty cool," phil hummed in response. "where's adrian?" dan stepped closer to phil, letting phil wrap his arms around the younger's waist, pulling him closer and dan smiled at him half heartedly before pressing a soft kiss against phil's lips.

"mm sleeping," phil said, one of his hands reaching back to completely turn off the flames as he moved to kiss dan again, his left hand moving under dan's jumper slightly so he could feel the hot skin under his fingertips and his right hand moving up to hold dan's cheek in place.

"y-you're in a good mood today," dan breathed when their lips parted, and phil just gave him a lopsided grin.

"i guess so," phil shrugged, and dan gulped slightly at the thought of ruining it. he can't not tell phil about what he has done, he would die of guilt alone, and he can't wait any longer either because if he does stretch it out anymore, he's sure the pain would be worse for both him and phil.

"can i-i need to," dan stuttered, watching as phil turned around again and slid a single pancake onto the plate, turning the flames back on and pouring a ladle of batter into the gradually heating pan.

"hm?" phil furrowed his eyebrows, handing dan the plate, who took it hesitantly and placed it on the kitchen island, balling up his fists against his thighs and closing his eyes shut to muster up enough courage to own up to what he did.

"i-i have to tell you something," dan blurted out finally and phil did not notice the edge in his voice or the painful difficulty dan faced while letting out the words-phil just nodded and waited for dan to continue.

dan stood silently, his eyes unfocused but still watching the way phil looked so unaffected, nodding his head but not knowing what was about to come, his posture calm and normal as he casually flipped another pancake, sliding the imperfect shape of round onto another plate.

before phil could go ahead and make another, dan reached forward and turned off the flames for the second time that day, causing phil to turn around and stare at him in confusion.

"what?" his tone was just as confused as his expression, eyebrows furrowed and tone soft.

"i need to tell you s-something," dan mumbled again, breaking eye contact because he just didn't feel worthy enough to be comforted by the complicated colour and the familiarity of phil's eyes. he knew he will not be able to handle the way they go from bright to dull within seconds, the skies in his eyes slowly reducing down to mere rainfalls of betrayal.

"yeah, what's up? is everything okay?" phil sounded so worried, his voice having the undertone of gravel because he had woken up not long ago, and dan leaned back against the counter behind him, knotting his fingers together as he stared at the edges of the square kitchen tiles.

"i-i have done something, and before i tell you what i have done i just-just want you to know that i love you and that it wasn't my intention to-to do something like this-"

"dan, what's going on?" and here it was, the worried tone that will soon turn into either disappointment or simply so hurt that phil will lose his voice. dan hoped for the former because he couldn't physically forgive himself if he brings phil down to the point where he doesn't know what to say. he wants phil to yell at him and break things and even hit dan if it will make him feel better. what dan doesn't want is the pallor spreading over phil's sharp features, his mouth opening and closing because he just can't find the words to say.

he has never been this afraid of losing phil.

"i-i don't know how to say it, i'm really sorry phil, i had been drinking and you-i thought you were cheating on me and-" dan stammers, stumbling over his words and trying to string phrases together but his voice was almost lost as he looked at the expression on phil's face.

his lips were already parted, cheeks losing colour and his eyes staring at dan as if they were begging for dan to not say the words that were to follow.

"i'm sorry," was all dan could manage to say, and phil gathered his hair in both his hands, his eyes dropping shut as he pursed his lips.

"y-you, dan, y-you cheated? on me?" phil looked at him unbelievably, his expression demanding answers and denial all at once as if he was hoping for dan to tell him that it was all a joke, but it wasn't, and when dan nodded and a few tears fell down his flushed cheeks, phil could feel his entire body being split in uneven splinters.

"how could you-" phil stopped. he was so done with dan, he didn't even want to know to what extent dan went, what he did and with whom he did it. the last question may have a certain green eyed boy's name in answer.

"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry phil please let me explain i-"

"get out,"

"what?"

"i said get out, i don't want to see you,"

--

well-