delivered

108

warning : hey, guess what? it's shit again!

"what is it?" phil mutters, gathering all his energy-or lack there of-and focusing on his tongue, trying to make himself sound disinterested. his gaze is trained on his socks so dan can't see the panic in his eyes, his shaking hands are pushed in his pockets so dan can't see the saturated nervousness dripping from his fingertips, and his tongue is clamped between his teeth gently so dan can't hear how broken he sounds.

dan doesn't reply, softly shutting the door and leaning against it, fingers pulling at tangled hair. being with phil alone makes the bedroom seem smaller than ever before, the walls closing in mercilessly and the floor crumbling apart at the edges leaving no room to escape. he can't hide behind katherine's positive attitude or adrian's laughter, he can't mute phil's voice with the loud television, he can't block out the sight of phil when he is standing in front of him and expecting answers.

"well?" phil pushes. he is no hurry to know what dan wants to say, but postponing the storm won't make it any less harsh. it will still strike, violent, aggressive and unabashed, leaving nothing but staggered breaths and choked sobs in its wake.

"i'm sorry," dan blurts, licking over his dry lips so saying what he feels becomes a bit easier.

"dan we've been over this-"

"no, no, please just hear me out for once," dan closes his eyes, pulling his sleeves over his fists and letting the explanation flow out of his mouth. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry for what i did and i know you can't forgive me but i am not accepting a divorce, i can't live without you, i can't be without you and you know that,"

"dan-"

"i'm not saying that means you can't take a break from me, i understand," dan gulps, pushing the lump in his throat down so he can speak. "i understand you can't look at me or be around me and having me in the house is hurting you. you can take a break for as long as you want, i will not stop you, i will not even try to contact you or try to apologise again, you don't even have to see my face unless you're ready but please don't take away the chance for us to make things better. please don't take a divorce from me, i can't do it, it's-" it's no use, the lump arises again, stronger and it pushes past his lips in a heartbreaking sob, his tears falling rapidly down his cheeks as he tries to catch a breath.

"you are my everything phil, being without you is not something i'll be able to handle, please," dan wipes his eyes harshly with the back of his sleeve. "i'll leave, i'll leave right now but you have to promise me that you will try forgiving me, you have to try moving on from this because we can't end like this,"

"what are you-"

"no, i get it, i know you don't want me here and i'm not forcing you to let me stay, i don't even want you to consider it as of now because we need time away from each other no matter how much we deny it. please don't think this is me saying i don't love you, or i don't want to stay with you because that's not true, i love you so much, you know i do but my mistakes shouldn't be something that ruins this, ruins us forever," and every word that leaves dan's lips adds another layer of figurative cement overtop of phil's feet, chaining him in place and not allowing him to move because this wasn't what he was expecting. he was just hoping for a heartfelt apology, words full of denial and dan forcing him to consider forgiving him almost immediately like this wasn't a big deal, like his betrayal wasn't something that needed time to heal from.

and the worst part is that phil would have believed him, the lies about them working this out in the span of a week, the lies of unconditional love being restored in a blink, the lies of healing hearts and dried cheeks and laughter and kisses. what he can't believe, or rather, accept, is the raw truth of their inadequate relationship, the truth of their dysfunctional marriage, the truth of broken hearts and tears and bitter words and cold distances.