Cold Feet (COMPLETED)

Aloe

Hi beshies. We've come to the part dreaded by most of you, the part where I break hearts.  Sorry my dears, this chapter is going to hurt, but it's essential to the story.   

Have you ever had moments of self-flagellation? Playing the blame game and punishing yourself over something you said or did?  It's a sad and lonely exercise, and rising above it can be hard. I played this game just recently when my son had dengue. I blamed myself for  not taking him sooner to the hospital, blamed myself for assuming he was stricken with the usual flu, never mind if he did not show any symptoms it was dengue.

How do you rise above this? Self flagellation is addicting. I don't know why but there seems to be a perverse satisfaction in hurting oneself as a means of purging guilt. But please, don't go there. Don't indulge in this forbidden pleasure. When it hits you, pray. Always remember that no one is too disgusting to be loved, no matter how flawed we are, we deserve loving. I rose above the negative feeling by convincing myself that  someone down there was rejoicing if I was miserable. And so I got out of it and moved on.

Read on and see how Dei self-flagellates and takes the blame for something she feels is her fault. It's a painful journey, and if you cannot stand it, I will understand if you don;t read. I cried while I wrote this, the journey was too close to my heart. 

I hope I don't spoil your weekend with this. As always, share an inspiring word or experience, you'll never know, someone among us might need it and read your words of encouragement here :)

October 2013

Dei woke up feeling whoozy and out of sorts. She had a thin film of sweat on her forehead, her hands were clammy. She also had a slight fever. She ate last night or if she overdid any activity before she slept and knew that she did everything she should in moderation. She was careful and slept early. There was no reason for her to get sick like this.

"Babe?" She called Richard weakly. He went inside the bedroom and found her looking pale and sweaty.

"What's wrong, Dei? You look unwell, what is it?"

"Can we go to doctor? Something's not right, Jay."

"Ok, come on I'll help you get dressed."

She couldn't even stand steadily, her lower abdomen started cramping. He took a towel and some warm water and started giving her a sponge bath. By the time he was taking off her nightdress, a spot of blood already stained it.

He tried to keep her from seeing the spot of blood but too late, she already saw it. She was gasping in an effort not to cry, so afraid that if she cried, she would lose the baby. She was trying hard to calm herself down, to save her baby, the baby she already learned to love.

I love you sweetheart, mommy loves you. Please, please be ok, baby. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me after I've already accepted you in my life. Angel don't do this to mommy. I promise never to doubt wanting you again. Baby, please.....

Her tears fell silently. She pushed her thighs against each other, wishing the trickle of blood would stop. Another wave of cramps doubled her over. Richard saw and wished he could do something to stop her pain. He pulled a dress down over her head and got her mules. He called the building admin for a wheelchair. He called Dr. Ortega, her OB-GYNE, to report what happened.

Within half an hour, they were in the hospital. A doctor their OB-GYNE contacted was already waiting for them in the emergency room. Dei was whisked off to the operating room after Dr. Montero's short interview.

"Dei, baby. I'll be here waiting. You'll be ok, love. You'll be ok."

But Dei wasn't ok. Not if she was going to lose their baby. She felt another wave of pain grip her, this time more intense, and felt the sticky blood trickling from inside her. The attending nurse was talking to her calmly, instructing her to lie on her side as they assisted her in preparing for surgery. She was made to wear the hospital gown and remove her underwear. Like a robot she followed them blindly, trying to detach herself from everything happening.

The needle for her IV drip was inserted at the back of her hand. In a few minutes, the anesthesiologist came in to administer the anesthetic, and Dei began feel to effects of anesthesia take over her senses. At this point she knew she lost the baby. Moments before she closed her eyes, she touched her tummy and said a prayer for her lost baby. She shut her eyes and whispered goodbye, as tears trickled down the outer corners of her eyes.

-----

She was awake but she refused to open her eyes. The nurse was talking to her gently, to make sure she was awake. She briefly opened her eyes to acknowledge the nurse then closed them again. She was already cleaned up, wearing a different gown and was transferred to a stretcher. She was rolled out of the recovery room through the corridors and the elevator, to be brought to her hospital room.

How was she going to face Richard? She felt the heat of shame slowly take over her body, making her cringe with disgust for herself. She was such a failure, a disappointment to Richard. Dei knew that he was heartbroken over this, and he wouldn't blame her, knowing how good his heart was. But she blamed herself for not taking care of herself better when he told her to.

She felt the door of the hospital room open, and she was wheeled in. A warm hand caressed her brow, making her heart tighten and beat fast.

Richard. I'm so, so sorry, love. I failed you. I lost our baby. I lost our angel.

She waited till the nurses and resident were gone. Richard took her hand in his, gently caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. She felt her tears coming again. She braved opening her eyes to look at him.

"Dei........."

"I lost our baby, Jay."

A wave of pain clawed through her lower belly. She grimaced and gripped her middle, doubling over to her side. She deserved this pain. Serves her right for being such a failure. Richard pressed the buzzer to call a nurse and rubbed a hand comfortingly against her back. A nurse was quickly knocking at their door. Richard opened the door to give instructions to the nurse.

"Can you give her anything for the pain? I think the anesthetic is wearing off."

"I don't want anything, Jay."

"What?"

He closed the door and walked to her side. She weakly sat up and hunched over, feeling cold and clammy. Richard sat at the edge of the bed to put his arms around her. And that undid her. She sobbed, gulping sounds coming from her throat, her chest heaving with so much emotion.

"I don't want the painkillers.........I deserve this pain.......we lost our baby because of me........"

She didn't want him to hug her. She wanted to wallow in her despair, hoping that her pain would wash the guilt away. She remembered the doubt of wanting a baby and mentally flagellated herself with hurtful words.

"Dei....." Richard's voice broke, hugging her tightly. She felt his hot tears on her neck and hated herself all the more. Killed her baby, hurt Richard. She didn't deserve him.

"Dei, please don't take the blame. No one wanted this." He took her face in his hands..

"Look at me, baby, please look at me. I'm not blaming you, please don't do this to yourself. It's nobody's fault."

"I should have been more careful. I should have stopped working."

"No, how would we know it would turn out this way."

"Stop. I know you're just trying to make me feel better."

She looked at him, her face almost unrecognizable with grief and self-loathing. With a deep breath, she calmed herself and spoke.

"Richard, I'd like to be alone for a while. Please leave. I mean it."