Author: ecrivain33
Title: The Protege
It's a good title. Have nothing to say about it one way or the other. It works.
Cover: I have no idea what's going on, but it's visually pleasing. *goes to read blurb* Okay, your blurb is very vague and I don't know if your cover fits your story. Not sure why there are glasses, and arrow and chess pieces on it. At first sight, it makes no sense. I also hate brown with a passion.
Blurb: Your blurb is the definition of vague.
Also, I have a serious pet peeve about starting a blurb with a definition. Protege is not even a difficult word and I already feel like you're treating me like a moron. No brownie points there.
That Apple story is very stilted. Maybe put the first to sentences together.
The grammar in your blurb is already giving me a headache. You switch tenses, don't use commas properly, and your word use is awkward. I'm already not going into your story with high expectations.
Let's talk content for a moment. You tell us nothing. We have no idea what Hugh does because tactician is a pretty broad term. How does he put his comrades' lives in danger? (Points for using the possessive form right). A strategy of what? Change up? You definitely need more details.
Story: your awkward word use persists as does your punctuation use. There are way too many exclamation marks in there. You need a beta reader to point these things out in line. As a plus, I could actually look past this and focus on what's happening in the story.
Except... where's your world building? You have binoculars and radio transition and knights in one place. WHY? Explain this madness. I'm still not sure what's going on and why Hugh screwed up in the first place because it wasn't like he could've predicted the attack.
Once you get into the chapters, it feels okay, but the language issues are even more distracting.
Overall: The plot as I see it holds promise. Again, the best thing you could do is put in a bit more world building and character background. It's the execution that needs most work.
Score:5/10
By - Wimbug
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Critics column - 2
RandomThis is a second part of critics column as we have reached maximum parts of previous book. Thank you so much for such great response! Status : OPEN Do you want a constructive criticism about your story? Need help with plot? We provide 2 type of fe...
