Critics column - 2

Review - 47

Title: 016 – The Awakening

Username: book_addict02

Cover: Good but can be better, keeping the genre in mind.

Summary: You did a good job with the summary. Short and crispy, but (Just for me) you could have built-up a mystery without mentioning the virus. I feel like the mystery will thread in the curious hearts like mine. It is also good as it is.

Story

That start just pulled me into it. Great start with loads of mystery. The story itself is a major plus point. While reading, I felt like I'm watching a movie, with the scenes running in my head. The narrative voice is strong. But still, there is a long way to go. In the 4 chapters you have uploaded, I could only tell the above things. Because character analysis is not possible since as you know he is just out in the open with his freedom and till now his mind was preoccupied with the escape and panic and lost memory...

I'll state some negative points you should pay attention to.

1. Grammar: I see a huge dance performance with the grammar. You have started with present tense and then slowly dragged to past, then to future, past participle, again to past. Pay more attention towards grammar. If it's a diary+narration, the changes in tense wouldn't affect much. Since your style is in narrative voice, you need to pull the cart in a single direction.

2. We all have this problem while we write – punctuation. Try to punctuate all the obvious places. It's hard to see "comma" in the sentence. Recheck that.

3. Use of words: there are some misused words, like "loud beep pulls at my ears" (Prologue) "A chill sent throughout my body" (Chapter 1)

"Brain was just floating in the middle of nothingness" How could he feel that his brain is floating? We could imagine, but can we actually feel Brain? And then when u r unconscious, the last organ to wake up is the brain because the sedations affect the brain, putting it to sleep. Consider "thoughts" rather than the organ itself.

When you lose every bit of memory and waking up at a strange place, the first 2 questions you have asked is natural. But the other questions, about his family, is too odd, don't you think? With meaningless flash visions, he couldn't be asking those right? Put yourself in his shoes and think what would be your thoughts at that point.

Chapter 1 is the continuation of Prologue, then why prologue? Can't it be the chapter 1?

Some scenes could be a little elaborate. Like in the scene, when 016 was talking with Samuel, where did Robert barge in suddenly? That kind of elaborate.

And "practically" "panic" is used too many times. Sometimes it's annoying. Try to play with your vocabulary.

The way of writing and usage of words got a lot better at chapter 2. You have stated you have got almost all the grammatical errors and typos in chapter 2 but there are grammatical switches until the end like that of the prologue.

I liked the use of analogs, though rarely, they are fitting and sometimes amusing for me to read.

I'd suggest you to rewrite the prologue and chapter 1 since your writing is better now.

PS I can't believe this is your first time writing. It's good.

Rating: 5/10

Happy Writing,

By SpiritofMerGirl