Critics column - 2

Review - 16

Author: Heatheranno

Title: Breathing Fire

I’m guessing the title will end up having something to do with Andie being referred to as the Red Dragon. It also ties to the leads hair colour and Andie’s tattoo. There may be further ties. For the purpose of the review, I read four chapters.

The title seems apt.

Cover: This is a new cover and fits the story well. Both of the leads are represented and it makes their ages clearer. The colours are eye catching and the composition should help to pull in readers when it is presented in a list.

Blurb: I might look at reorganizing or rephrasing portions of the blurb. I’m guessing the target audience is sort of a YA/NA group. Before I read the book, I thought the characters might be young YA, but they’re really on the higher end. You might appeal to a larger audience if this is made clearer.

For this review, I am dividing my comments by chapter.

Chapter One:

The car accident is very well described. I was in the moment as I read it and really felt for Andie and Dylan as they sorted through that situation.

Small punctuation errors (commas when strong punctuation is needed or adding commas when they aren’t needed).

Conformation vs confirmation – seems like a word choice error given the context of the sentence.

A few punctuation and dialogue tag issues. Often, there is a period in the dialogue when a comma is needed to lead into your tag.

For Wattpad purposes, I might divide some of your longer descriptive paragraphs for ease of reading on mobile devices.

Nice chapter ending.

Chapter Two:

The chapter opens in Dylan’s POV which shouldn’t be disorienting, but it is at first. His POV doesn’t seem as secure and immersive at the top of the chapter as hers was.

Similar issues with commas as the first chapter. You also use quite a few semi-colons. The writing groups and critique groups I have done suggest using this punctuation sparingly. For some reason, semi-colons tend to give people pause in a narrative unless they are extremely well used.

Pony tail = ponytail – it’s one word

Good descriptions of the new world/location. Some of them seem a little repetitive in places to me. Big chunks of description can slow your pace which is something to be aware of as you set a scene.

Another good chapter ending.

Chapter Three:

I had a couple of nitpicky things in this chapter that didn’t let me get fully immersed. Here they are:

How would Dylan see Andie’s top under her zip up hoodie? If it’s unzipped, maybe make that clearer? It seemed odd to me.

Why don’t Andie and Dylan talk to each other at all when they enter the colony? They exchange several looks and Dylan keeps narrating that Andie looks scared. But they don’t speak to each other or obviously comfort each other. To me, it made them seem either physically or emotionally distanced from each other. I’m not sure if that’s the impression I should have.

Where are Dylan and Andie standing when the chaos starts? Eventually, they are spotted by the men attacking, but it feels, narratively, like it takes a long time. In my head, they’re in the thick of the action but they seem really removed from it – almost above it. I think I’d rather they were sucked in sooner. Maybe it’s just me, but I kept thinking why is no one acknowledging their presence?

Most of the action is well described and easy to follow. Andie’s revulsion at killing is plausible. Readers think she must be special given her teacher’s involvement/what he said. Readers know she took martial arts, so her ability to kill is expected, even if it shocks her.

Good chapter ending again.

Chapter Four:

A lot of new names and characters are introduced at the top of this chapter. I am sure they’ll differentiate themselves as the narrative progresses but as a reader, it’s a little disorienting. The only one who “sticks” for me by the end of the chapter is Hagen

Speaking of Hagen, I like him. I like the burgeoning connection he has to Andie. He comes across as kind, thoughtful, and skilled.

The action in the chapter is well described and I could picture everything clearly.

In all chapters, comma use and speech punctuation are insecure.

Another good chapter ending. I liked his reluctance in leaving her.

Overall:

I enjoyed reading this. The characters are fully realized, the action well described, and the world building is solid. I hope you continue to find success with it. 

By - RElizabethM