Author: katelynmckelle
Title: What Heroes Are
Cover: It’s a gorgeous cover. I love the detail and the colours. It definitely has a Fantasy/Sci Fi bent to it. I don’t know yet what it has to do with the superhero storyline, but it’s a really pretty cover.
Blurb: The blurb firmly establishes the main character, the conflict, and the world. There is some sense of the stakes involved in the story which would entice a reader to the book.
Overall:
I liked the story. I think your main character is interesting and there is certainly enough intrigue to keep the pages turning. I’m going to provide comments here per chapter. I hope some of it is helpful. J If you need clarification on anything I write, please send me a PM. I’m always happy to discuss any of the points I raised.
Chapter 1, Pt 1
I’m not sure about how the novel opens. As a reader, it is hard to feel grounded in the scene when a book starts with dialogue like this. I don’t yet know who the characters are, the world, the place they’re in, whether this conversation is crucial, etc. It’s hard to invest in a conversation when the reader doesn’t understand the stakes or the point. I have only read up to Chapter 4, but I would suggest that this interaction isn’t needed. She could easily indicate via internal thought that she’d had a crappy night just before Greg shows up. He could comment on her air of sadness or something and that’ll get them into a conversation. I think that might also work with the revelations that come later? Just a thought.
When she is mulling over helping Greg, the line, “An internal battle shortly ensued.” But, I think it’s pretty clear that this is what is happening from the timeline she lays out before answering him. I’d cut this line because it tells the reader rather than letting them infer.
“His bright blue eyes held a twinkle in them; one that displayed his love for life” – feels overly wordy. For me, sometimes the descriptions (particularly of people) go a little further than I need them to in order to visualize them. Description in broad strokes allows the reader to get the outline of something and their imagination fills in the details. Unless those details are going to be crucial later (his eyes come back again in Chapter Four), then I’d consider paring it back a bit.
The paragraph about the DHIS feels a little like an information dump. I would parse this paragraph for details that intrigue the reader and are truly needed in the moment. I think some of this could be “shown” later through interactions, internal thoughts, snippets of dialogue.
In the paragraph on The Museum of Powered Individuals, there are a lot of second person references. I would consider cutting those entirely or eliminating some of them. Any time the reader is pulled out of the story with a second person reference, you risk losing their level of engagement.
I wonder whether some of the museum details can come out via dialogue with Greg? As she walks, they engage in some banter. It’ll allow the reader to get to know the main character better and it also fleshes out Greg who comes back later (and appears to be important).
The parenting hints about Lady Liberty and Freedom are interesting. Some of the Sci Fi elements are interesting and well described. I enjoyed those aspects of this chapter very much.
The line “our hearts probably beating” seemed odd to me. Wouldn’t the narrator know that her heart was beating a particular way? Perhaps she should just ruminate on Greg’s heart instead?
Again, the paragraph with Jim Jackson – can some of that come out via dialogue? Long descriptive paragraphs are often skipped or skimmed by readers and there are probably some important details in this one.
Chapter 1, Pt. 2
There are minor typos and word choice errors throughout this chapter. Occasionally words are repeated in close succession. Repetition is fine if there is a specific purpose behind the repetition. Otherwise, I’d very your word choices a bit more.
In the paragraph “Seeing the world…” there are a number of second person pronouns again.
The scolding she gets from Debbie is quite good. It helps the reader to envision what her life has been like without her parents. It’s comforting to know she has a parent-like figure in her life and she isn’t completely alone.
Some of the capitalization around dialogue tags is off.
The description of closing the young man’s eyes felt a little wordy to me. I also wondered about her vomiting in this scene. If she does this job, she must see stuff like this. If this is a first for her, maybe make that clear and go heavier on the five senses to bring the reader in on the newness, the unease, the stench of death, etc. I want to understand why she throws up here.
Why does she stay so long at the scene? She knew the cops were coming. To some extent, I think this could be cleared up if she’s clearly in shock at seeing the dead body. That’s where the above suggestion might also clarify why she forgets to hurry along…
Chapter Two
This chapter reminded me a bit of X-Men. Some of the themes, characters, and ideas seemed reminiscent.
Throughout the chapter, there are small word choice errors, a few missing words, a couple typos, etc.
In this chapter, I sometimes felt like the character descriptions went one step further than I’d need.
The CPG paragraph should be dispersed elsewhere, I think. It’s very heavy on information that I’m not sure readers need. Often, as the writer, what you need to know and what’s important to the reader aren’t always the same. A writer needs to be able to justify actions, choices, backstory, etc but it doesn’t always have to appear on the page for a story to make sense.
At times, the dialogue feels a little forced. I find imagining my characters as someone I have either seen or met in real life can help my dialogue feel more authentic. It also helps to listen closely to people when they’re speaking to each other to help get a good rhythm. Good dialogue can make or break some scenes. J
Chapter Three
I’m not sure about Cassie coming to her job and yelling at her, demanding answers, etc. It’s very dramatic but does it serve a larger story purpose? If yes, that’s fine, but if not, I might rework the scene.
The difference between the main character at the start of the book doing her job and here in this chapter is quite big. The façade of wanting to do her job well seems to be gone. Am I supposed to feel this way? I couldn’t decide if she’d changed too much too quickly or if I hadn’t seen enough of this attitude in the first chapter.
I really liked how the history came out in this chapter.
Your chapter ending was fantastic. Really, really good.
Chapter Four
I was impressed with this chapter. It was the best mix of information, dialogue and character building of the four I read (yes for improving!). J
I love all the questions that are starting to form in the readers’ minds. I think it’s starting to shape up to be quite the page turner!
As I said – any questions at all – you’re welcome to send me a PM.
Good luck!
YOU ARE READING
Critics column - 2
RandomThis is a second part of critics column as we have reached maximum parts of previous book. Thank you so much for such great response! Status : OPEN Do you want a constructive criticism about your story? Need help with plot? We provide 2 type of fe...
