Critics column - 2

Review - 27

Author - Aidan-san

Title - Academia del Patrimonio- Where Imaginations Meets Reality by Aiden-san

Cover:

I wish it was a bit more pleasing to the eye. It should also correspond with what the story is about. Yeah it's a picture of a tower's roof and that it suppose to represent the academy, but that means I can slap a picture of a house's roof and the story be about a teenage boy who fell in love.

Title:

First off. If something is a title, then it should all be capitalized. Unless the words are articles or conjunctions.

Secondly, while it seems cool to have a title in another language, it really make it confusing. Especially when one adds a second title (?) in English that has nothing to do with the first one. If you want to have the title in another language, then at least put the English translation -in the summary or something. I had to look up the word Patrimonio.

Summary: 

First thing I noticed was the grammar. The first sentence isn't even a real sentence. It's a run-on. And the ellipsis (its the three periods if you didn't know) just made me cringe. There was no purpose for it and there are way to many periods as well.

I also can't figure out the plot. Is it a magical slice-of-life story, or is there some sort of villain? I think you just need to explain the plot better. 

Story:

All I can say is thank God I read the summary first. If I hadn't then I wouldn't know that it was a super human academy. There was no depth, no explanation, nothing that explains why everyone has powers. 

Speaking of depth, where is the character backgrounds! I don't even know what each character looks like. Their personalities are also very cliche and they way they interact with each other doesn't even feel or sound real.

And the ellipsis. There is no need for most of them. An ellipsis consistent with three periods, the only time they have more than that is when the ellipsis has four and that is at the end of a sentence. The main purpose for an ellipsis is to show that some words were cut out, like:

"I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America... with liberty and justice for all."

That is proper use. The only time that is broken is in creative writing, and a characters sentence wonders off. For example:

"I just thought..." She trailed off.

There is still a lot of grammar problems, like not capitalizing names or the constant run-on sentences. I had a hard time connecting with the characters and the story moves to fast, leaving no discriptions on where the characters are. This makes it hard to visualize what is happening. It was really​ disappointing.

Overall:

This story needs alot of work. Get an editor, spend time actually making character personalities that aren't so boring, add imaginative describing words. I mean, the title even says "Where Imaginations Meets Reality", so why didn't you do that in your own story.

Besides all the work that needs to be done, I think this story has alot of potential. Just give the readers a plot and work on the other stuff, then you'll have one hell of a story.

Hope this had helped and good luck.

pandaradiation
ReviewGal