Critics column - 2

Review - 20

Author: Allusione

Title: Mirage – The Illusion of Life

The story is only three chapters long so far, so it is hard to know whether this title fits the story as written. However, the story does have a mysterious vibe to it and the title, in that sense, fits it well.

Cover:

Since it’s a fanfic, the cover has the inspiration for the characters on it. Harry’s face might blend a little too much into the background, but the title is clear and easy to read.

Blurb:

The blurb is a series of excerpts from the story. Once you know where the story is headed, I would come back and give the characters and your ideas a proper introduction.

Overall:

Throughout the three chapters, punctuation and capitalization are insecure. It would probably take a second person looking over the work prior to publishing it to find most of those mistakes. There are also quite a few sentences where one or more words are missing for the sentence to be complete.

I think the top half of the first chapter is supposed to establish an air of mystery. But, I would have liked to see a name used instead of the repetitive pronoun “he.”

The punctuation and capitalization around speech aren't always correct. However, a lot of the dialogue flows well and makes sense overall.

There are some nice details in each chapter to set the scene and ground the reader. Generally, there is a good use of the five sense for variety and to draw in a reader.

The time jumps and POV shifts aren’t always smooth. I would look for ways to ease those transitions a little.

In the section where she muses about being on the computer, I might be tempted to re-arrange the chapter a little. I would have her start on the computer and/or her phone to clearly illustrate her indecision about applying to the school. She can then be interrupted when Val enters so that the narrative isn’t jumping around in time.

As the narrative progresses, questions are forming about Harry, about Aida, and about their situations. All of these would help to push a reader through the narrative, so that’s great.

In the first paragraph of the second chapter, there is too much personification of objects. It makes that paragraph feel surreal and a little unclear.

In the second chapter, about two-thirds of the way down, the POV shifts to Val for a couple paragraphs. I understand why that happens, but I don’t think it helps the narrative flow. I’d try to figure out a way to stick in the third limited with Aida instead of jumping into Val’s thoughts/feelings there.

Some interesting connections between the characters are starting to form by the third chapter.

The twist of who Curly is, what he wants, what he’s going to do is a good one, I think. I didn’t see that coming exactly, but it made sense. Also, the notion that they knew each other previously is also interesting.

Overall, I found the narrative engaging and mostly easy to follow. There are a few bumps, but for the first draft of an ongoing work, I think it’s good. Some of the more mechanical aspects need to be ironed out (punctuation, grammar, word choice, etc) but once those are tweaked, I think it’ll flow really well. 

Good luck!

RElizabethM