Critics column - 2

Review - 4

Author: xSweet_Tee

Title: The Loudest Silence

My assumption, at this point, is that the title is about Ethan. In that sense, I think the title makes sense with the chapters you have posted. At some point, it might not, depending on where the story goes. You might want to keep that in mind as you write.

Cover: The cover is simple but effective. You have, again, seemingly depicted Ethan who may not be the focus of the story but is most likely the lynchpin in the relationship between the two sisters.

Summary: The blurb follows a Wattpad pattern of having a snippet from a chapter at the top of the summary. I think the piece you’ve chosen would mostly likely appeal to the teen demographic. You have a slightly more detailed summary under the piece from the novel and it gives enough while leaving enough to the imagination that you may get a few clicks. I might tighten this up a little – shorten the piece of direct text and expand a little on the plot in the summary.

Story:

Things I liked:

Claire is an interesting character and is easy to root for her in the narrative. She’s suitably clueless to inspire sympathy in the reader and she has a clear goal. Both of those are good for moving the story forward and keeping the reader interested.

I like Ethan’s initial meeting with Claire. I could clearly picture their exchange and, rather than Ethan coming across as a jerk, he just seemed distant and removed from the high school scene.

Claire’s inner monologues are interesting.

I like the dialogue between all the characters. Most of it comes across as realistic and credible.

Your main plot – twins separated for a long time by divorced parents – is interesting.

There is a good cliffhanger at the end of the first chapter which would encourage a reader to move on in the story.

Tips for improving:

I would delete or modify your author’s note. I don’t think it sets the right tone for your writing. If you want people to comment, then try to encourage comments here through asking questions or suggesting that you’re open to learning and people can make polite suggestions for changes if they see something that needs to be fixed. If you come across as closed to help, people are less likely to comment (and probably less likely to read, too).

I might get rid of Jane’s point of view completely. She doesn’t come across as a very sympathetic or fully realized character (unlike Claire). If you clearly show her motivation in rejecting Claire and her inability to outright help Claire, that might soften her for the reader and her POV might be worth keeping. At this point, she’s too one dimensional and comes across as the antagonist.

If you do get rid of Jane’s point of view, I might use that first chapter to show Claire leaving her previous home or her in the car driving to Jane’s house. Is she excited? Nervous? Upset with her mom? Happy that her parents are getting back together? What’s she wondering about Jane?

Avoid addressing the reader. Any time you use “you” in the narrative, you’re taking the reader out of the scene (breaking the fourth wall). Unless you’re doing it for a specific purpose, I would avoid it.

I wasn’t sure about the text exchange between Ethan and Claire. It didn’t seem to add anything to the narrative and both characters don’t come across well to the reader. Maybe reconsider what they say/don’t say to each other?

I think you’ve got a great idea and I could clearly see your growth as a writer across the chapters. Keep writing. We all start somewhere.

Good luck!

RElizabethM