Critics column - 2

Review - 8

Author:  freakingcookies

Title: In the Midst of Everything

At this point, I don’t have a clear understanding of the title. My assumption is that the main character will find love or companionship “in the midst of everything” in the sense that out of the chaos comes something good. If that’s the case, then the title will probably work well for the completed book. For the purposes of this review, I read five chapters.

Cover: The cover seems very YA Contemporary with a focus on the inner life of the teenage girl. It appears that the story is from one POV, a teenage girl named Earlene and therefore the cover is most likely appropriate. The image is crisp and the writing is clear.

Blurb: The blurb has a lot of sentence fragments and I can’t see a clear sense of the conflict or stakes. What makes this story unique/interesting for your target audience? Why should someone click “read” on your story as opposed to others? What does your main character want above all else? What prevents her from getting this?

Things I liked:

Caleb seems sweet and genuine. He treats Earlene well (except for his use of a nickname she clearly doesn’t like – at least not at first). They are constantly ending up in each other’s orbit which helps to accelerate their understanding of each other and should deepen their interactions.

Some of the dialogue, particularly Earlene with her family seems realistic.

Ways to improve:

Sentence Structures:

Have clear, concise sentence structures. For example, the first sentence reads like this: “I just sat there with my book in my hands clutched tightly, looking at everyone hastening and getting ready for my interview.”

The word “just” is a filler and is almost never needed in a sentence for it to maintain its meaning. The words “clutched” and “tightly” have similar denotations and connotations. Only one of these words is needed to let the reader know that she’s clinging onto the book. The word “hastening” is not grammatically correct in this sentence.

Sometimes there is a reliance on sentence fragments when a complete sentence would make more sense to the reader. Two examples are: “With full of words” and “With no memories of him.” While I understood what was attempting to be conveyed, the lack of clarity made me keenly aware that I was reading something. I want to be able to get lost in a story. Clarity and concision are keys to accomplishing that for a reader.

Show vs Tell:

Rather than telling the reader that Earlene is nervous, show how the nerves display themselves. Does she sweat? Fiddle with something? Shift in her seat? Look around? Check the clock? What clues can you, as the writer, give the reader without explicitly saying she’s nervous?

Often, there is more telling than showing in the chapters I read. Whenever possible, look for ways to reveal key information through a mix of dialogue, action, and description. Ideally, these three things should be reasonably balanced to immerse the reader in the experience of your novel.

Tense Shifts:

It’s unclear if the book is being written in past or present tense. There were numerous tense shifts within sentences and paragraphs. I would pick a tense and edit those chapters with that in mind.

Word Choice Errors:

There are quite a few instances where the word selected in a sentence doesn’t feel quite right. A few examples:

Tuning him off = tuning him out

Shifted here = moved here

Hurt like never = nothing had ever hurt like this before – the idea here is unfinished

Punctuation around dialogue:

Often, the dialogue punctuation is incorrect. Any time the attribution follows the dialogue such as said, asked, called, shouted, etc that directly refers to HOW the dialogue is said (not to WHAT the character is doing) there is a comma in the quotation marks.

Examples:

“I’m going to the store,” she said.

“I’m going to the store.” She stood up and put on her coat.

“Why are you going there?” he asked.

“Why are you going there?” He shot her an annoyed look.

Overall:

I like both of your characters. Earlene and Caleb seem like people a reader could root for throughout the course of the novel. It might be a good idea to increase the stakes or to make the conflict clearer.

Good luck – we all start somewhere. If you have any questions, you are welcome to send me a PM.

RElizabethM