Losing Kim Taehyung

thirty-nine

"The small pieces guttered down darkly
From my heart, a barren noise
I don't know if this reality or a dream"

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"Oh my god! I'm so excited!" Sooyoung said, clapping her hands. "We finally got to go on a trip together!" She announced, glancing at the backseat where Yeri and I were seated then she proceeded singing along with Sungjae to the pop songs playing on the radio. Sitting next to me on the backseat was Yeri who couldn't keep her eyes off her phone. I shook my head at her, seeing she was beaming all by herself at her phone. Then, I looked away and locked my eyes through the window.

Right now, we are on our way to Jeju to go and enjoy the beach. My friends have been really persuading me these past few weeks to go on a trip with them, and since there's no reason for me not to join them, I did come along. Also, it has been almost a month since the last time I saw Yoongi and I do hope this trip would help me divert my attention away from my disturbing thoughts for now. I never heard anything from Yoongi since after that day in the hospital. The day after Yoongi and I kissed-or-whatever-you-want-to-call-it. That day after I got home from the hospital, I went back home to find the small note he wrote and placed under my pillow.

I haven't read the letter he gave me and just kept it inside my wallet. Now that I have thought about it, I decided to read Yoongi's letter which was written in one of my scented pastel-colored paper. I fished my wallet out of my pocket and took the letter out, unfolding it carefully before reading it silently.

Kwon Areum,

I'm sorry for everything that had happened that night. I've been really thinking about this, and I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise. I couldn't keep myself not to expect something when we kissed and when we did it. Kissing you, I had to admit, I did expect something, and it was so selfish of me. As much as I wanted to completely like you, the thought of you as Jungkook's first love and Taehyung's ex-girlfriend is stopping me to completely fall for you. I hate myself for saying that, and I hated myself for liking you in the first place. I've only been with you for a short period of time, but it was fun. It's been a while since I've been this happy and it's all thanks to you, Areum. I guess, I'll be able to meet you again if I'm ready. If I'm ready to confess my feelings for you or if I'm ready to fall in love with you completely. Will you be able to wait for me? Damn, this is so cringey, but hey keep this in mind okay? I'll meet you again someday when I'm ready. See you soon.

He said he wrote this that morning before he was about to leave, but unfortunately he saw me in the veranda, and we both went to the hospital to see his brother.

After reading the letter, I still stared at the paper, hoping Yoongi would have something more to say or write in addition but that would impossible. Reading his letter gave me a sudden mixed of emotions that filled inside me. For apparent reasons, Yoongi just gave me this emotions I never knew existed in me. I didn't know if it was love or what, but one thing's for sure and that was wanting Yoongi to stay. I wanted to see him, and I regretted kissing him and hooking up with him that night. I shouldn't have done that, I thought. I was too focused on my own emptiness that I didn't notice Yoongi's feelings or his needs. I just wish I could have been a better friend instead.