Losing Kim Taehyung

forty-four

"If there are hellos,
then there's bound to be goodbyes?"

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I exited the town library after I returned the books that I burrowed three days ago.

Time flew really quickly as it has been two weeks since the funeral. I tried diverting my attention to something else to keep my thoughts away from Taehyung because whenever I'd think of him, I know I'll just end up crying all day and blame myself for everything. Due to that kind of behavior I've been showing, my mom told her psychiatrist friend a little about my condition. If that's even the right word. I was a little pessimistic lately and probably depress (but I don't know about that one), and my mom's psychiatrist friend suggested to keep me busy to keep my thoughts off Taehyung as of now.

Within the past two weeks, I tried helping my mom with her work. I would proofread her works or even find good books in the town library to be used in the articles she's making. And just like what her friend said, it did help me to divert my attention to something else, but still there are just times when your mind does a thing of its own. Like, whenever Taehyung would just automatically popped inside my head with that adorable boyish smile of him and I feel so stupid feeling emotional because of that. Sometimes, I couldn't help but remember memories about him that I want to forget. I've been really trying so hard to live my life as it was like before meeting him, but unfortunately no matter what I do, I just ended up remembering and feeling guilty about losing Kim Taehyung.

As I was walked out of the library, I saw a familiar face. My eyes followed the car and stopped when he saw me as well. He stopped just right in front me and rolled down his car window. It was Dr. Jeon. He greeted me politely then asked me how I was doing.

I bent down a little to meet Dr. Jeon's eyes and answered I was doing fine. I suddenly noticed his white coat and a small bouquet of flowers on the passenger's seat, and so I interrogated him, "Did you visit your sons today, Dr. Jeon?"

"Yeah, I just got there." He smiled. "Now, I'm on my way to meet a friend. I think you should come and meet her."

I furrowed my eyebrows a little, wondering why should I come and meet his friend. "No thanks, Dr. Jeon. I'll just get going."

"Come on, Areum. You'll love her," He insisted. He turned away his face as he gently tossed his coat and carefully placed the flowers at the backseat then opened the passenger's seat for my sake. "Hop in." He smiled kindly.

I was really hesitant at first, but Dr. Jeon was really persistent so, I gave in. I walked around the front of the car and hopped inside then shut the car door when I was comfortably seated. I buckled my own seatbelt before taking a deep breath. The vehicle lurched forward and as the ride started, it was killing me inside how awkward it is. I killed myself several times in my head as every freaking second of awkwardness flies. "So, . ." I started. "Who's this friend of yours, Dr. Jeon? Is she someone I know?"

"Yeah, I think so." He said, focusing on the road as he kept both hands on the steering wheel.

And after that, I couldn't say anything else. It was that awkward for me or maybe I'm an awkward person myself. . . But ever since things have been different since Taehyung was gone, I started feeling different too. I've been feeling listless, and I don't feel like meeting with my friends anymore when I need the most. . . It's just, I think I'm better off alone.

Minutes of awkward and deafening silence later, we arrived at a columbarium. Dr. Jeon parked his car at the back of the building as I wondered what we were doing here. We got off the car later after Dr. Jeon got the bouquet of flowers from the backseat. We entered the place and I trailed off behind Dr. Jeon as I looked around the surroundings inside. There were plenty of small rooms inside and we then entered the fourth room in the first floor. Inside that small room was filled with glass cabinets, and inside those square-sized glass cabinets were the urns of dead people and few photos of them. I've never been in places like this since I haven't really had a close relative that dies, and mom wants to be away from her relatives so I don't really know.