Shades of Blue [h.v.c]

chapter 3

chapter three
session two

october 5 2017

i walk into the chapel of the local elementary school and see everyone starting to take their seats. i left my hood over my head and looked down while walking to the chair beside madelaine and jihoon.

i looked down at my feet to my new, now wet nike shoes and mentally curse to myself. why did it have to rain today? john comes in with a guitar and we all stare at him. "hey so today i thought we could open up with a little song. sound good?" he asked and no one answered.

"cool." he smiled and started to strum. "you're going to repeat after me okay? our father," he looks at us and no one repeated him "who art in heaven," he sang, no one singing back again. "hallowed be thy name- you know what it's fine it's okay." he said putting his guitar down.

"so let's start where we left off, roslyn, want to introduce yourself?" he asked. i was about to decline when four new boys walked in. "welcome, take a seat." john smiled. they all scan the room and take off their coats, one of the boys eyes not leaving mine.

he sat down with seungkwan and jeonghan while the others pulled up chairs and sat wherever. "okay let's start by introducing yourselves and what shade of blue you're feeling today." john smiled at the new boys. the tall boy with black hair stood up first.

"my name is wonwoo, i am 21 years old. i got bullied for being the tall always sad boy on the playground. my parents died when i was very young and i found out why in high school. it was because of me. they didn't have enough money to take care of the three of us. so they handed me over to my grandma so i could live a long happy and successful life while they were buried six feet under." he told everyone "what shade are you today wonwoo?" john asked him. "egyption blue."

"well hello wonwoo." madelaine whispered to me with a smirk. "you mind if i call dibs?" she asked "go ahead." i mumbled. "who's next?" john asked.

chan was the next person to go. chan is 18 years old and was 8 when his uncle started doing weird things to him and his body. he didn't think it was weird until he brought it up to his mother around age 11 and that's when he came face to face with reality. he always has night terrors of his uncle doing things to him while he was asleep. he's been depressed since age 13 and is feeling azure blue.

seokmin is 20 years old and has been depressed for three years. he would get bullied at school and at home by his dad who always called him a faggot because he could sing. he loved music and sang whenever he had free time. he would spend lunches in high school with the music teacher, her teaching him new things and suggesting after school discussions which caused school talk of a student teacher affair. the teacher lost her job and he was suspended for a week and a half and when he came back the taunting never stopped until graduation. he was feeling steel blue.

"and what about you?" john asked, motioning to the boy i mentioned earlier. he stood up and took a deep breath. "hi, my name is hansol. i'm nineteen years old and as you can probably tell, i'm half american and half korean. i guess my depression first started when i was 12, taking the train was tough, people would always stare at me because i was mixed. i started to get bugged by kids at school and my family was the only thing keeping me happy. i have a little sister and one day, after getting beat up at school, i went to pick her up at elementary school. i was walking on the sidewalk across the street from the school. i waited and finally the bell rang and ng and out came my sister. she was so excited to see me that she ran into the street and wasn't looking. she got hit. and i started to blame myself and eventually i was diagnosed with depression. i take anti depressants every morning and writing rap lyrics and dancing makes me feel better. makes me feel like i have a purpose." he shared his story, leaving me with tears in my eyes, me quickly blinking them away.

"what shade of blue are you feeling today?" john asked "like a pastel, beautiful blue." he smiled "the lightest blue huh?" john asked "yeah. i'm on cloud 9 today." he smiled.

then why are you here?

"okay, last but not least. roslyn." john smiled at me. i stood up as hansol sat back down. "roslyn can you please take your good off?" john asked and i shook my head no. "please?" he asked again. i hate saying no to people. with a sigh, i took off my hood, revealing my face, joshua and jeonghan looking terrified for me. my cheek bone near my eye was bruised and there was a cut on my lip.

"i'm roslyn boe. i'm eighteen years old and i've had depression since 7th grade when i was diagnosed. in 6th grade i had two best friends who cut themselves for attention and i thought that was idiotic. so i confronts them about it and sure enough they fired back and got the entire class to hate me and bully me senseless. in seventh grade, i couldn't take it and i almost ended my life, my mom walking in and catching me in the act. she took me to the doctors and they diagnosed me with depression. the only things that kept me happy and still keep me happy are dancing, playing instruments, photography, writing songs, and singing. i liked singing until i auditioned for the elementary schools talent show and got booed off stage, so i don't do it much anymore but i spend every second dancing. overall the years my dad became aggressive and like any other stereotype he started hitting me. but even though he hits me, there's no doubt in my mind that he loves me, cause if he didn't, he wouldn't have signed me up for this." i shared "thanks for sharing, and you're feeling what today?" john asked me and i shrugged. "i don't know, maybe baby blue." i said, putting my hood back up and sitting down.

"alright, well let's do some more activities." john smiled. as he was explaining the activity, i glanced over at hansol and saw he was staring at me. once we made eye contact he quickly looked away, acting all shy.

i smiled, knowing he was staring at me. i don't know why he was staring and why i was smiling, but i was enjoying it and enjoying his presence.