Shades of Blue [h.v.c]

chapter 18

chapter eighteen
the fifteenth session

november 20 2017

"where's-" i start "hansol?" jihoon finished my sentence and i nodded. "no one has a clue. he disappeared after friday's event and the only person who really knows is seungkwan and he's not giving in any time soon." jihoon explained and i nodded, walking away.

"roslyn," he grabs my hand and stops me, i turn back around and face the guilty looking boy. "i'm sorry for flipping at you, i should've been there for you instead of getting angry." he apologized and i smiled sadly. "jihoon, i was never mad at you." i tell him. "how you holding up?" he asked "im okay, i was with madelaine all weekend." i tell him "did you tell your dad?" he asked.

"are you kidding? my dad would go to jail for murder in the first degree." i chuckled and so did he. "i guess you're right." he came closer to me and kissed my cheek to comfort me instead of hugging me. "you know to call me when you're feeling down right?" he asked and i smiled "yes, i know, i will call." i promised and he smiled. "good."

i felt arms around me and a chin rest on top of my shoulder. i look and see jeonghan was smiling cheekily. "helloooo." he sang, being as happy as ever. "well you're quite cheery." i laughed "cheating on me again i see." seungcheol commented while walking past us. "damn it." jeonghan said under his breath.

"better go chase your man." i tell him. he lets go of me and runs to seungcheol. "cheolie! i still love you!" he called out, making me laugh. "hey." i hear a voice behind me and turn to see joshua.

"hi." i say back. "how you holding up?" he asked. "i'm okay." i tell him. "okay... i'm sorry for saying that stuff to him, i thought the kid was better than that, and i was jealous that he liked you." he admitted. "i'm sorry." he apologized again before turning his back to me and started to walk away. "joshua," i say, grabbing his arm to stop him. he jerked away from me and hissed, holding his arm.

he didn't.
did he?
yep, he did.
he cut.

"joshua." i whimpered feeling bad for him, knowing he did that to himself because of guilt. "i don't blame you, for any of this. he i'm not mad at you, i still love you, you're still my friend." i tell him.

"alright everyone, take a seat." john instructed. we all sat down "oh everyone seems to be here except hansol. where is the charming young man?" he asks making me scoff. he's anything but. "roslyn? you guys are together right? do you know where he is?" he asked.

"not anymore." i sat uncomfortably in my chair, hating how the words sounded once they left my mouth. "i'm sorry to hear." he apologized, expecting an answer back but i didn't say anything. "does anyone know where he is?" seungkwan sat in his chair, not saying a word.

"okay, let's talk about trust. who can you trust in this group?" he asked. "roslyn? you want to start us off?" he asked. i sighed and stood up. "i trust jeonghan. i trust madelaine, jihoon, seungcheol, jun, seungkwan, john, mingyu, wonwoo, minghao... joshua. i trust everyone in this room. the only person i don't trust, is the person who usually sits in that chair." i pointed over to hansols chair.

"and maybe i shouldn't trust everyone in this room. i let someone into my life easily and look what happened, he's not here, no one knows where the hell he is and i've been crying and eating my feelings the entire weekend, negative thoughts entering my head once again. maybe i should love people so easily and maybe i shouldn't forgive them so easily either." i shared and sat back down.

john cleared his throat awkwardly. "thank you for sharing, im sorry you feel that way." he finally said and asked for someone else to share. the whole hour i looked down at my feet, thinking of everything hansol and i ever done, everything we ever said to each other.

"roslyn?" john asked, getting my attention. "yeah?" i asked, looking up, holding back the tears. i look around the room and see everyone was frowning at me. "do you maybe want to leave early? or take a break?" he asked and i nodded.

i grabbed my jacket and put it on while walking out of the chapel. i go outside and lean against the wall, cursing to myself. i grabbed a lighter and a little plastic bag from my coat pocket. i grabbed a blunt from the bag, and closed the bag back up to put it back in my pocket.

i put the blunt in my mouth and lit it, holding it like a cigarette so no one suspects anything. i haven't done this in ages and i didn't want to do it but i need to calm down and take my mind off of him, all i can think about is him.

him and his gorgeous brown eyes.
him and his perfect black hair.
him and his perfect, white smile.
the way he would smile with his eyes when he saw me and only me.
him and his laugh that sounded so ridiculous that it made me laugh just hearing it.

i took all of those things for granted and i'm stupid for it. so so so fucking stupid.

i let the tears fall and i pull out my phone.

me:
i need you

jeonghan:
i'll be right out❤️

me:
bring joshua, i need his infamous hugs

jeonghan:
i gotchu
madelaine?

me:
nO iM smOkInG a bLuNt
shE'lL kIll mE

jeonghan:
okay, okay my lord
we'll be out in a second lovely

me:
thanks man❤️

jeonghan:
no problemo bestie❤️

within a matter of seconds i hear the door open and i see a worried joshua. i quickly walk over to him and hug him tightly, letting the tears fall.

"i love him." i sobbed as jeonghan came out and held one of my hands for comfort. he took the blunt out of my hand and threw it on the ground. "no more." he told me and i nodded in agreement.

"i know you love him, it's okay." joshua said calmly, rubbing my back. "he hurt me." i tell him, getting his shoulder damp from my tears. "i know rose, i know. you don't need to waste tears on him okay?" he asked "i can't help it."

"the session is about to end and we can all go home. once you walk through your door go on skype and call jeonghan and i, we'll talk to you all night, a three way call, to get your mind off things." joshua said to me. that's actually not a bad idea.

"okay, i will." i sniffed, pulling away. "thank you." i smiled. i turned to to jeonghan and hugged him immediately, loving the way he healed onto me, the way he rubbed my back and massaged my scalp.

even though i don't have hansol anymore, i still have my four best friends, who will always love me no matter what comes in my way.

jeonghan,
joshua,
madelaine,
and jihoon.

the four that will always be there, no matter what i face, we face together.

-

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thank you all for over 300 reads! you're all amazing and i'm grateful for all of you who continue to read and actually want me to upload. love you all❤️
-K xxx