Shades of Blue [h.v.c]

chapter 10⚠️

chapter ten
broken
(trigger warning!)

january 31 2018

"roslyn, its good to see you. have a seat." john smiled as i walked in late. i look around and josh, jihoon, madelaine and jeonghan aren't looking at me. "rose, what's wrong?" hansol asked "what do you mean?" i questioned "you look, i don't know, sick." hansol said and right away jeonghans head snapped up to look at me. "do you need me to drive you home? your dad should still be there right?" he asked but i shook my head no. "i'm fine." i lie.

i look and see minghao with a small smile and patting the free seat beside him and soonyoung. i smile a little and walk towards them, minghao smiling a huge smile at me. "you okay?" he asked and i nodded, resting my head on his shoulder. "well i think you're lying to me." he said while laying his head on top of mine.

i feel someone rub my thigh in comfort and look to see soonyoung smiling cheekily at me. how sweet. i smile at soonyoung and look over to see an angry hansol.

the whole time i was leaning on minghao, feeling comforted. i wish i got closer to minghao during the past couple months even after yesterday he still wants to be my friend. i close my eyes and start to fall asleep while laying on minghao, considering i haven't gotten much sleep lately.

-

"rose, the session just ended." i heard minghao voice call out to me. my eyes flutter open and i look to see minghao smiling sadly at me. "rose you should really go home and get some more rest." he said. i groaned and got up, stretching and yawning in the process. "i will, thanks hao." i smiled a bit and stood up. "i'll see you soon." he said shyly and walked out of the chapel.

i look and see joshua separated from madelaine, wonwoo, jun, jaeun, seokmin, jihoon and jeonghan. "joshua what's wrong?" i asked him. "roslyn we have to talk." he said, making my heart stop. "what's wrong?" i asked "i can't be your friend anymore... i'm sorry." he said. i looked over at the others and they were laughing amongst themselves.

"you're siding with them?" i ask him and he nods with a frown. "i'm sorry." he apologized quietly and turned around to walk towards them.

0/4

4 best friends that could save me are gone.

i slowly turned around and got my olive green winter jacket and put it on as i left the chapel. i went outside to the front and scavenged my coat for cigarette pack and lighter. i found my pack and white lighter and lit one of the cigarettes from the pack.

i kept the cig in my mouth as i put the lighter and pack in my pocket. "hey." hansol said, approaching me as i leaned against the brick wall. "hey." i said plainly, taking a puff of my cigarette. "since when the hell did you start smoking?" he asked "since a couple weeks ago." i said, putting the cig back in my mouth, taking another puff.

hansol stares at me and i look over at him. he looks at me with pleading eyes and i groan, putting the cigarette in his mouth and getting a new one from my pack and lighting it for myself. "you know white lighters are supposedly bad luck." he said, blowing the smoke out of his mouth.

"you know i don't care right?" i asked, putting the lighter back in my pocket. "damn sorry, just trying to help." he spat. "my whole life is like bad luck charm, so i really don't care at this point." i sigh. we stay silent for a while until he finally speaks up.

"what happened with you and your man?" he asked "we broke up." i say plainly, looking over at him. "where was amelia today?" i ask "she didn't come cause we're having, um, issues to say the least. it's complicated. why did you guys break up? you guys looked so in love." he commented, making my stomach churn.

"hansol, i broke up with him because i didn't love him." i tell him "you didn't love him? cmon you have to love someone, be in love with someone." he nudged and i sighed "i am in love with someone." i say and he turned to me "really? who?! tell me tell me tell me tell me please please please!" he pleaded, acting like a five year old, tugging on my coat.

here goes nothing

"you."

i say, looking into his eyes. he was taken a back, staring into my eyes, a small smile forming on his lips. a chuckle escaped his lips "seriously?" he asked. "you're seriously laughing at me right now?" i asked him. "what? no no no no." he rushed "i- i'm just." he started laughing a bit. "i'm just in shock." he finished.

"is it really that hard to believe?" i asked "yes! you kissed him in the first place!" he argued "and i've regretted it ever since! jeonghan and i weren't even in a real relationship! we faked it so we could make you jealous and i can take you back but guess what that didn't work out and i don't care anymore!" i shouted, throwing my cigarette on the ground and stomping on it. "you seriously faked that? what the hell is wrong with you?! faking a relationship to get me back? are you that fucked up? no wonder why your friends abandoned-" he stopped himself once he saw a tear run down my face. i turned away from him and started walking.

"roslyn wait." he said and grabbed my shoulder "don't touch me." i said through my gritted teeth and started walking home, letting the tears run down my face. i rush home, letting the thoughts consume me.

you're worthless

you're a slut

do you're friends a favour and die already

you can't do anything right

it's all your fault

it's all your fault

it's all your fault

i open my front door and slam it behind me. i fall on the floor and start to sob, covering my ears with my hands, trying to stop the voices.

all your fault

all your fault

all your fault

your mom is dead, all your fault

ryland is gone, all your fault

your friends hate you, all your fault

your dad drinks to forget, all your fault

your dad is always tired, all your fault

it's all your fault

it's all your fault

it's all your fault
it's all your fault
it's all your fault
it's all your fault
it's all your fault!

"shut up!" i screamed, punching the wall. all the voices came to a stop. i slowly get up and walk to the kitchen, grabbing an apple from the fruit basket and looking into my backyard... the pool.

do it.

the voice came back.

fucking do it. maybe you'll do something right.

the voice rang through my head. i put the apple on the counter and walked down stairs into the basement where weights were. i carried some rope the weights up to my room and put on a a shitty extra large t-shirt and some athletic shorts.

i walked down the stairs and back into the kitchen. i opened the sliding glass door and stepped onto the snow covered grass. i instantly shiver and close the door behind me. i walk over to the pool deck and go to the edge of the pool. i look at the green water and put my toe in, feeling the freezing water.

i was already freezing. i sit on the deck and tie the weights around my ankles. i use the ladder to help myself up. i look at the water and close my eyes, letting the tears fall.

do it
do it
do it 
do it!

splash...

i did it.

-

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