Shades of Blue [h.v.c]

chapter 19

chapter nineteen
bullying

november 24 2017

"i can't go, i have a cold, unless you want me sneeze and wipe my snot on everyone." madelaine chuckled while laying in bed "this is why you should go to school! you can sneeze on tana and ivy and maybe you're so contagious that the need to be hospitalized! see! good things come out of sickness." i smiled making her glare at me. "it was worth a shot." i groaned, getting up from sitting at the edge of her bed.

"so sunohara texted me, he's sick too so he won't be there. he told me to tell you to be careful today, since he won't be there to stop tana and ivy from trying anything." she told me and i nodded. "i'm always careful aren't i? plus if they try something i can defend myself." i smiled. "if you say so, have a good day at school whore." she smiled, turning on her tv.

i stuck up my middle finger in response and walked out of her room, to the front door and out of the house. i start my walk to school with both headphones, listening to sad music, while looking at my feet.

i bump into someone and look up to see seungkwan. "sorry seungkwan." i apologized. "oh roslyn, i was on my way to come see you." he smiled sweetly. "not trying to be rude but, why?" i asked and he sighed. "hansol is asking about you, he want to know how you're doing, he's worried."

"well i'm doing perfectly fine and if he's so worried and if he cared so much then why did he do it in the first place?" i asked him. he looked down  at his feet and didn't answer. "tell hansol, i'm fine... and that i'm worried about him too." i said softly, making him look back at me with a smile. "and tell him to come to support group soon, we all miss him."

and with that, i walked passed seungkwan, leaving him in the middle of the sidewalk alone while i walked to school.

-

it was lunch time. i was leaning against the brick wall, smoking another one of my few blunts. this is what i've been doing the whole lunch, standing and thinking, looking up at the grey sky.

the bell rang and i groaned. i threw my blunt on the ground and got up from the wall. as soon as i did i was pushed against the brick wall, feeling an aching pain in my back. "not so high and mighty without your frumpy friend now are you?" ivy snickered, holding me against the wall. i went to swing but i was stopped by tana, gripping my arm.

"and without your man. what happened to you guys? did he finally realize you're a worthless slut?" she spat, punching me in the face and i just took it. i didn't try and fight back.

"fight back." she ordered and i refused. "what happened to her?" ivy asked and tana started laughing. "holy shit! she's broken we finally the bitch." she smiled. it wasn't you bitch, try again.

ivy throws me on the floor and kicks my gut, making me grunt in pain. "stupid cunt." ivy laughed.

"do you really think he liked you? he was probably just taking advantage of you which proves that you are a fucking slut." tana spat, picking my up by my shirt and dragging me across the cement, scratching up my legs. she picked me up by shirt and punched me in the face. "stupid bitch, do something!" she screamed

i didn't fight back. i became completely numb. hansol broke me and i don't want to be fixed this time. tana is right, im a slut. he used me, i gave myself to him, every ounce of my body and bragged about it to fit in with the others. i'm a slut. i gave myself to him so easily.

"kill me." i tell her "what?" she spat "am i too intelligent for your dumb ass? do i need to dumb it down for you? beat me senseless so i can die." i tell her "oh, then how can i make you suffer everyday?" she asked with a pout. and punched me again.

they started beating me up, and they whole time i thought i deserved it, i knew i deserved it.

they finally stop and go in the school, leaving me on the pavement. i built up enough strength to stand up and start to walk home.

as i left school property, a car drove slowly beside me. i look over and see jun with his window rolled down. "roslyn, what happened to you?" he asked and i kept walking. "nothing, i just fell." i say "i'll be fine."

"yeah my ass you 'just fell', who did this to you?" he asked "some girls at school okay? i'm fine i can walk home by myself." i tell him "roslyn, get in the car, i'll drive you wherever you need to go." he tells me. "please."

i give in and get in the car. he started to drive and finally said something after a couple minutes of silence. "why didn't you fight back?" he asked "i deserve it, im a worthless slut, like they said." i tell
him. "no, roslyn, you are not a slut and you a certainty not worthless." he tells me and i smiled a little. "thanks. turn here."

with my directions, he finally made it to my house and pulled into the driveway. i took off my seatbelt and sigh, knowing getting out and walking up the three porch steps is going to hurt like a bitch. he puts his car in park and gets out, not bothering to shut his door.

he comes to my side and opens the door, grabbing my hand and helping me out of the car. he guides me up the stairs with one hand holding mine and the other supporting my back. he stops at the door "you want me to come in with you? keep you company? i was going to go and see if madelaine was feeling better but-"

"go and see her. my dad is home this week he was working nights so he should be sleeping right now. i'll call jihoon when i get inside." i tell him and he nodded in response and turned his back. "jun," he turns back around and i smiled "thank you." i say and he smiled in return. "no worries, and even though your not as close with minghao, soonyoung, chan, mingyu, they're all so
worried about you, give them a call
once in a while to let them know not to worry." he tells me and i nod "i will, bye."

i open the door and walk in, closing the door behind me, hoping i didn't wake my dad up. "roslyn? it's only lunch what are you doing home?" he asked, walking to the front door. he stopped when he saw me. "sweetie..." he sounded broken. i couldn't hold it in anymore, i just cried.

he rushed over to me and hugged my tightly as i cried. "i wanna die dad, i wanna die so bad. i hate this, i hate my life, i hate hansol. i miss mom, i miss ryland. i hate waking up every morning knowing it's going to be a shitty day, i just-" i sobbed into his shoulder.

"he used me dad. when you where gone we, we, you know. i'm stupid, i thought he actually liked me, actually loved me but he never did, it was all an act. i'm
so fucking stupid, so so stupid. i'm a worthless whore like everyone says at school. i don't want to live anymore, i want to be with mom." i sob "roslyn, baby, i need you, i love you." he said, now he was the one who was crying.

"i love you so much and you know who else loves you? that boy jeonghan, those other boys, jihoon and joshua. madelaine would be lost without you and her boyfriend cares about you too. we all love you and need you, they're your best friends... im your dad, you're my little girl. things are grim now but we will help you get better. don't give up, please. please don't give up."

he was right, i shouldn't give up. i still have friends that love me and support me and want me to do well and be happy.

i'll try my hardest to be happy for the people i love.

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poor roslyn ):
-K xxx