Shades of Blue [h.v.c]

chapter 7

chapter seven
alone

january 28 2018

madelaine:
wanna hang?

me:
i'm busy

madelaine:
doing what?

me:
i'm going on a walk

madelaine:
hmmhm to where?

me:
none of your business

madelaine:
are you going to visit your mom?

me:
maybe...

madelaine:
okay, text me when you're done, i'll come by with jeonghan, joshua, jihoon and chicken nuggets❤️

me:
wow, bff goals

i walk along the streets approaching the cemetery with two little rose bushes and a tiny, hand sized shovel. i walk into the cemetery and of course i'm the only one there, like always. i don't know if hansol comes here anymore, i barley see him.

i walk along the snow and look around and see nothing but fog. i sniff, knowing this is going to get me sick but i couldn't care less.

i make it to my moms grave and kneel on the snow. i start digging up the dirt to plant one of the little rose bushes. the good thing about these are they'll die soon but once the snow melts and the sun rises they'll become alive again, just like any other plant.

i finish planning the roses and admire my moms beautiful grave. roses where always her favourite, she rubbed off on me. it doesn't matter if it's white, red, pink, one little rose or a dozen, a rose is a rose and i'll take it and appreciate it.

i sit back and smile, remembering the first time i saw roses with my mom in a store in the middle of summer. i begged her to get me a bush just like the one i planted and eventually, she gave in.

"hey mom. i know i haven't talked to you, out loud like this since the day of your funeral so i just want to say that i miss you. i'm sure you already know that because you've probably been watching over me since you left... all the things you've seen me do... i'm sorry you had to go through that and see me do stupid things." i apologize while looking at her name on the stone.

"i'm sure you've met sofia. i've seen pictures of her and she's such a pretty little girl, i hope you two hit it off well. did you see that one night? the night i had with hansol? you must've been so disappointed in me huh?" i asked her, even though she can't answer.

"i've tried to move on from him but i can't. i hope things work out between the two of us. i know he didn't mean the things he'd said, i hope he knows i didn't mean the things i said either. i get my temper from dad, i wish i got it from you instead. you don't fight fire with fire, you try to work things out without getting aggressive and out of hand."

i look over at sofias grave and smile slightly. "i don't regret meeting him though, i don't regret a thing. but mom, i don't think i can do this anymore, live. it's sucks, it really sucks. the only thing keeping me together are my four best friends who i'm so greatful to have in my life. i hate school, i hate support group, i hate giving up, i hate it all."

i shuffle over to sofias grave and start planting her rose bush i bought her. "hey sofia. you don't know me but i kind of know you. hansol misses you a lot and loves you so much, you know that of course i just wanted to remind you. let him know that you care for him please and that you love him, i don't know how but show him. whether he's awake or it's in a dream just show him and tell him you're okay... he blames himself all the time and is always sad, i don't want him to be sad anymore." i admit.

"i guess you know about your brother and i... i'm sorry. when he walked into support group after the two weeks he took off... he looked broken and unhappy. i noticed he lost a lot of weight, his face lost colour, his black hair was messy and knotted, he just looked unhappy. i broke him, i should've given him a chance to explain himself, i shouldn't have kissed jeonghan, he should've never made that bet, it all shouldn't of happened... we're both to blame." i say, my voice cracking in the process.

"i love the both of you so much, even though i haven't met you, sofia. you mean the world to hansol and hansol means the world to me, therefore so do you... if i give up i'm sorry." i said, breaking down into tears.

"what beautiful roses." i hear a woman say. i turn my head to see a husband and his wife, looking down at sofias roses with a smile. "did you plant these?" the wife asked and i nodded. "i'm sorry, i'll take them out if you-" i rushed but the man stopped me "no keep them, sofia would've loved them."

i smile a little, wiping away my tears. "do you know sofia personally?" the woman asks "um no, i've never met her actually. i'm friends with hansol and i know she means the world to him." i admitted and she gasped. "you must be roslyn." she smiled, helping me up off the ground.

"you're usually topic of discussion when we talk with hansol. you're even prettier in person." she smiled "oh! mr and mrs chwe i'm sorry i have to meet you this way." i apologize quickly and shake both of their hands. "it's alright, are you okay though?" mr chwe asked pointing out the tears rolling down my face.

"yeah i was just talking to sofia and my mom." i said, pointing to my moms grave. "right, hansol told us about your mom. we're very sorry to hear." mrs chwe apologized "it's okay, i'm sorry about sofia, i know she meant the world to all of you."

"it's okay, you mean the world to hansol so we want to make sure you're okay too." mr chwe said with a smile "what do you mean?" i ask "between the three of us, i don't think hansol is as in love with amelia as he says she is. he's distant with her, is never open, whenever he says he loves her she never looks in her eyes." mrs chwe confessed, leaving me in shock.

the phone started to ring and i quickly took it out, seeing that madelaine was calling. "sorry, can i take this?" i asked "of course, we'll see you soon roslyn." mrs chwe smiled, saying farewell with her loving husband, leaving me alone once again in the cemetery.

i let the phone ring as i thought to myself. maybe sunohara was right... maybe he does still love me.

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