Repressing Thoughts-J.D

-6-

I had Brendon and Sarah's words about Josh flying through my head so every time I talked to him or were near him it would make me self conscious. It was three in the morning and I couldn't sleep whatsoever so I decided to bring a blanket onto the couch and watch some tv. Suddenly a door opened and I jumped, I thought I had the tv on a low volume so I didn't wake anyone. I sat up to see Josh walk slowly into the kitchen to get some water, I didn't know whether he was sleep walking or just tired so I went back to the tv.

"Hey, why are you up?" His voice was sleepy and croaky, he stood behind the couch looking down on me.

"Couldn't sleep, you?" I asked, he looked down at the water which indicated he was thirsty but just shrugged in response.

"Can I sit?" He asked and I nodded. He walked around the couch while I bunched up on one side of it. He sat on the opposite end and pretended to be interested in what I was watching.

"You look tired" I said and he nodded.

"Thank you for what you said last night" he moved on, I shook my head.

"You already thanked me" I mentioned, he nodded slowly then moved closer to me.

"Yeah but you have no idea how much it helped me out, I usually talk to Tyler but he was nervous as well so I didn't want to make things worse" he explained.

"I'm always here" I told him, his eyes bore into mine as if he was reading me. He had a small smile which made his eyes squint slightly, squinty suited him.

"What was the first thing you noticed about me?" He asked out of the blue, my eyes widened before I thought for a while.

"The coffee in your hands" I joked but he didn't laugh. "Why?"

"I just think sometimes I'm a very plain guy" he told me, I shook my head.

"You are anything but plain Josh" I laughed at how stupid he sounded but again, he didn't laugh with me.

"My ex called me plain" he looked down at the space in the couch between us. We were sat facing each other, our legs tangled in the middle.

"Your ex was wrong...when did she called you plain?" I asked, curious. He looked at me as if he really didn't want to talk about it, he let out a big sigh.

"When she dumped me, I asked why, she told me I was average and plain." He explained, that didn't sound like Josh at all.

"Well you are an above average drummer, you have great taste in music and a great sense of humour. She was probably just not for you" I shrugged but his eyes were hooked on me.

"Thank you" he said, the sincerity dripping from his words.

"If it makes you feel better my ex didn't even tell me why he dumped me" I said, his eyebrows furrowed but I could feel his pity.

"What happened?" He asked, "if you don't mind me asking" he added but I shook my head.

"Nah I've said it enough in therapy to know that I shouldn't hide it." I explained, he just nodded without a single judgement. "About a year and a half ago I was engaged to this guy I had been dating for a while, three months before the wedding he up and moved to Australia" I said, Josh's eyes widened.

"Wow, without telling you?" He asked.

"He left me a note saying he didn't want a marriage" I retold my tragic life, Josh's mouth was open in shock.

"Did you love him?" He asked, I nodded and his mouth closed. "Are you over him?"

"He was the first person I ever loved and the first person I ever hated. It still hurts but I'm over the majority" I wiggled my toes under the blanket we were sharing, he smiled at my feet.

"I don't see how anyone can just leave someone like that" he said.

"Brendon always told me I was settling for him, that I could do so much better but I believed that he could do so much better so I stayed with him" I explained, he shook his head, disapprovingly "How long were you and your ex dating?" I asked.

"About a year. I thought everything was great but I guess she had different ideas." my heart broke at the thought of Josh waking up one day and his girlfriend calling him plain then leaving him.

"You were in love?" I asked, he nodded slowly.

"Head over heels" he averted his eyes from mine to his hands which he was fiddling with. "I don't usually talk about her with anyone, just Tyler...and my mom" he confessed.

"I've only ever spoken about things with Brendon and my therapist. I don't see my parents that often" he frowned when I mentioned my parents as if he didn't approve.

"So you and Brendon are close" he implied.

"I don't know what I would do without him, and Sarah. She's the closest thing I have to a sister" I explained.

"I have a big family, I'm so close to them. I can't imagine not speaking to them one way or another every day" he said so innocently.

"I want a big family some day" I dreamed.

"We have that in common" he yawned.

We talked not long after that before we both fell asleep tangled in the blanket, there wasn't enough room for the both of us so the night consisted of back aches and violent tossing. I woke suddenly as I landed on the floor, I looked at the time on my phone which indicated it was eight am. I glanced up at Josh who had completely taken over the couch, I watched how his chest rose and fell as he breathed. A small smile escaped before I decided to get up and make pancakes.

I made the mixture and poured it into the pan, I started to hum a random tune while waiting for it to cook. One of the doors opened and out came a sleepy Brendon, his eyes were still closed but he was stumbling towards me.

"Pancakes" he mumbled as he took a seat at the island.

"Good morning brother" I smiled, he opened his eyes slightly to let me know he was functioning and then grunted. I flipped the pancake multiple times before serving them up, I covered one in Nutella and passed it to Brendon.

"Thank you sister" he said and started to eat.

"Why are you up so early?" I asked and he shrugged.

"Wanted to know what my sister was doing with him" he looked over his shoulder at Josh who was asleep on the couch.

"I was doing nothing" I said nonchalantly, he nodded while eating his pancakes.

"And what was he doing?" he raised his eyebrows, I rolled my eyes at how stupid he was being.

"Bren," I warned, he raised his hands up in defence as he shook his head.

"I'm just doing my job Sage, looking after my baby sister" he finished his pancake and stood up, he put his plate in the sink and walked back into his room giving me a wave.

I placed a warm pancake on a plate and walked over to Josh. I tapped his shoulder to wake him up, his eyes fluttered open and looked up at me. He gave me a small smile before instantly spotting the pancakes.

"I made pancakes" I waved them in front of him, he flew up from the couch and took them from my hands. I walked back to the kitchen area and he followed, a big smile on his face.

"These are good pancakes" he complimented, I started to wrap the others up in foil before placing them on the counter behind me.

"Thank you, they are my moms recipe" I smiled at him and he returned the favour. I stood smiling at him while he sat, face full of pancake, smiling at me.