Repressing Thoughts-J.D

-10-

"Hey" Josh greeted me, "it's cold" he took off his coat and gave it to me, who obviously forgot one.

"So Debby seems nice" I started the conversation we both needed to have.

"Yeah she's great" He tip toed around anything further.

"And also your ex" I pointed out, he was being so awkward it frustrated me. He nodded slowly as if I was pointing out he obvious.

"It must be a bit weird for you" he said, my head snapped to him, he looked uncomfortable.

"Why?" I bursted, he looked confused as to why the sudden outburst.

"Well I spoke to you about Debby and I's breakup so it must be weird for you to see her and put a face to the words" he said quietly. My eyes almost flew out of my head, I didn't realise Debby was that ex.

"Debby is the girl you were talking about?" I asked, he nodded as if I should've already known this. "And you're still friends with her?" I bursted, I realised that I was being rude but I was so shocked I couldn't believe what he had just told me. Josh looked as shocked as I felt.

"Yes?" He asked as if he wasn't certain.

"But Josh...she hurt you" I took a deep breathe as I watched his reaction. He stood silent for a while, taking in what I had said.

"I forgave her" He shrugged, I couldn't get my head around how he felt.

"Forgiveness does not take away the fact that those words obviously hurt you, you literally told me this a couple of weeks ago." I tried to explain but my words were stumbling out.

"We broke up almost a year ago, there's nothing but friendship between us" he fought.

"I get that exes can be friends but that's usually after a while and when the break up is mutual." I felt bad for saying this as if it had never crossed his mind before but I wasn't one hundred percent sure that it had.

"Do you not like her?" He asked.

"No, I don't know her, this is not about her personality Josh"

"But you are saying I shouldn't be friends with her"

"No I am saying she hurt you and I don't think you have truly gotten over her"

"You don't know our relationship" He sounded hurt and defensive. I took a deep breath and accepted that he wasn't going to understand anytime soon.

"I know, I'm sorry, I'm out of line. I just know how her words affected you so I was just worried"

"Why were you worried?"

"Because I care Josh" the words just fell out my mouth before I could swallow them. He stared at me for a while before shaking his head.

"She means a lot to me Sage" Josh choked on his words as if he really did not want to say them. It was clear he still had feelings for her. I felt a knot in my chest as he stood staring at me, I took off his coat and gave it back to him.

"Okay" I said as clear as possible, I gave him a half-assed smile before handing him his coat back and walking back into the club to find Lillie.

I didn't know how to feel because I had never felt like this before, my throat, chest, hands, stomach were all in knots. I grabbed Lillie and squeezed her arm as tight as possible, she didn't even bat an eyelid before she took my hand and lead me out of the club. Josh was no longer outside which made it easier for me to just let Lillie take me home, I didn't know why I was devastated I just knew I was.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked in the uber.

"He still loves her so I just need to get over whatever it is that is bothering me about it" I shook my head, she squeezed my hand.

"She's only here for a couple of days though, you have the whole tour with him. Every time I see an ex I get all messed up but then I realise that there was a reason why we broke up and stayed that way, plus I know I can't ruin what I have with Shane. Josh will do the same" She tried to explain but it wasn't making any sense to me.

We made our way back to the hotel and up to our room, I showered and changed into my pyjamas and went straight to bed. Sleeping was the last thing I wanted but Lillie insisted that i would feel better.

At two am I was laying still staring at the ceiling, going over the night over and over again. I imagined what would've happened if I was okay with it, would Josh and I be friends? Would he and Debby get back together? I groaned out loud before sitting up, Lillie was fast asleep in the bed next to me.

I got out of bed and put on some tracksuit pants before making my way towards the elevator, I had no idea where I was going so I just stared at the buttons before pressing the ground floor. I listened to the terrible elevator music before stepping out into the lobby. I saw a sign that says 'bar' and my brain moved my legs towards it. I jumped onto a bar stool and stared at all the alcohol, i took deep breathes in and out at i stared at the glass bottles.

"What can I get you?" A man in a waistcoat asked, my hands started to shake with nerves as I stared at all the bottles. "I will come back" He said as he noticed my hands. I threw my head in my hands on the bar, a tear fell down my face as my head spun with thoughts.

"Hey hey hey" I heard someone coax in my ear, it was Brendon. He wrapped his arms around me and picked me up, I held onto his neck and sobbed quietly. He carried me out of the bar and into the elevator, he pressed a button and as I felt the lift start to go up. "Don't cry" he whispered towards me. He walked out of the elevator and into a room, he sat me down on a bed and sat next to me. I opened my eyes to see Sarah holding a cup of coffee, she handed it to me and then sat on the other side of me.

"Is this about Josh?" Brendon asked, I nodded my head. "Idiot" he whispered.

"Hey B, I know you want to be a big brother right now but maybe she needs a girl to talk to" Sarah advised, I could practically feel them having a mental conversation.

"I am fine guys, I am just over thinking everything" I explained.

"You are not fine Sage, I found you in the bar. You hardly drink" Brendon pointed out.

"I didn't drink anything" I fought, Sarah put an arm around me.

"What Brendon is trying to say is that you aren't acting like yourself which indicates that you aren't okay" She rubbed my back, I shook my head.

"I am just tired" I excused.

"What happened with Josh?" Brendon asked.

"Bren" Sarah warned.

"I am fine" I started to get agitated.

"Sage tell me" Brendon demanded.

"Brendon I am fine" I mocked.

"Sarah would you tell her to tell me" He talked over me.

"Brendon stop being so insensitive" She argued

"I am not!" He fought.

"Stop it!" I yelled, I pushed them both off me and stood up. "I am fine, I had a moment of weakness because the guy I like still has feelings for his ex but i am going to stop being a twelve year old girl and get over it." I bursted, they stared at me in shock. Brendon looked confused while Sarah looked sympathetic.

"That can't be ri-ow!" Sarah hit Brendon before he could finish his sentence.

"I love you both, I am sorry I am acting crazy but I will be okay tomorrow. I am going to bed" I said, I kissed them both on the head before leaving the room. I walked down the hall towards the elevator and pressed the fourth floor button. As the elevator went down I took a deep breathe and told myself to pull it together. I was over reacting.