Repressing Thoughts-J.D

-45-

"You look gorgeous as ever" Luke complimented. I had started to spend more time with him since the barbecue and he was becoming a good friend. I saw him as more of a little brother than anything else. He kissed my cheek as he lead me into the party. The place was booming and I was so ready to just let my hair down and have fun.

"Dance with me Luke" I whispered in his ear as we entered. He held my hand and led me into the crowd of sweaty people. I let myself go and jumped and danced like there was no tomorrow. My hair flipped around me as my hand raised up to the sky, I threw them around Luke and pressed our foreheads together.

"My ex is staring" he whispered in my ear. I turned to my right and saw a young girl with masses of guys around her staring in our direction. I unravelled my arms from Luke and jumped even higher and danced even harder to the music.

"I'm getting a drink" I yelled at him, he nodded and I made my way to the bar. I yelled my order at some guy and waited for the drink to be passed to me. I looked to my left and saw girls being chatted up by men, I looked to my left and was met with a pair of wide eyes. "Tyler" I screamed really loudly. He smiled wildly at me. The bartender passed my drink and I took it with me to Tyler. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He pulled away from the hug and looked worried.

"I don't think you should be here" he mouthed, I couldn't tell if that's what he was saying but it seemed like it.

"What?" I asked. He mouthed it again and then his eyes quickly diverted to something behind me.

It was like the next ten seconds were in slow motion, my head turned around to see what Tyler was looking at behind me. I saw him standing there, looking dead at me. My eyes welled up almost instantly, I gulped slowly. I turned back to Tyler and he looked really worried.

"I'm sorry" I said to Tyler. I grabbed my drink and made my way back to Luke. He grinned when he saw me, I downed my drink and put the glass on a nearby table. "My ex is here too" I whispered to him, he looked towards me,  concerned and watched the tears fall down my face. He wiped them away before kissing my head.

"Do you want to leave?" He asked, I looked around me to see if I could see them but I couldn't.

"I'm hungry" I said out of the blue. He nodded and lead me out of the party, he put his arm around me as we walked down the road. The tears were already falling down my face and continued to do so as we walked into the first diner we saw. We sat in a booth and ordered two fries.

"So he's back in LA" he started as our fries got served. I threw my head in my hands and balanced my elbows on the table.

"Every time I think of him, or see a photo of him, hear the name or something I break down and now I've seen him I feel like I can't even breathe" I cried.

"How do you know he's not here to see you" he tried to help.

"The fact that I accused him of loving someone else and he hasn't come back to tell me otherwise proves that I was right and that hurts more and more every day" I shoved a fry in my mouth.

"He's only just come back from Ohio" he tried to defend him.

"Luke, please." I held his hand across the table. "You have been such a good friend to me and I am so grateful for that but I just need someone whose going to agree with everything I say for a while" I confessed. He pulled his hand from mine and stared at me.

"I'm saying this to you as a friend because that's what we are. You still love him and not being with him hurts you; he thinks you hate him so he's trying to give you what you want but it's actually not what you want...it's the exact opposite. You need to talk to him" he advised, this just made me angry.

I hit the table and stood up to leave. I stormed out of the diner only to bump into someone on the sidewalk. I stared up at him and he stared down at me, my breathing started to become heavier as I hyperventilated. We both stood staring at each other, unsure of what to say until Luke ran out of the diner after me. Josh's eyes darted from mine to his and then his mouth opened. I saw the tears form before he looked away and turned around to walk back in the way of the party. I tried to call out for him but I choked on my words.

"Josh!" I croaked as I ran after him but he had already gone back into the party. I turned around to Luke and punched him in the chest, he let me punch him for a while before wrapping his arms around me in a hug.

"I need Brendon" I cried and he nodded.

We ubered to Brendon and Sarah's where I told Luke he could leave me. He kissed the top of my head and got back into the uber. I walked up to their door and knocked lightly, Brendon opened it not minutes after and saw the state I was in. He pulled me into a hug and then into his house, he lead me to the couch where I sat and cried.

"So you know he's back in LA" he said as he sat on the couch with me. Sarah was no where to be seen.

"I saw him at a party, I was starting to have fun and then I ran into Tyler" I said in between cries. "I saw him sitting surrounded by friends so I made Luke take me away."

"You were with Luke?" He asked, I nodded. Brendon knew that we had become friends.

"I ran into him outside a diner and then Luke followed me and now he probably thinks I'm with Luke and I'm not and Brendon I love him what am I supposed to do" I cried. Brendon wrapped me in a blanket and hugged me tightly.

"I've never seen you like this, not even with Jacob." He muttered. It was true, when Jacob left me I cried for a week and then I shut down. I didn't leave my house except to see my therapist because I think the damage was more to my mind than to my heart.

"I love him so much B" I mumbled and he stroked my head.

"You know what you're gonna do, you're gonna go to Arizona in a couple of weeks and you are going to stay there with Lillie until she gets married in March" he said, I nodded and looked up at him. He wiped the tears from my eyes and smiled down at me to try to make me feel better. Lillie had pushed back her wedding for three months since there were complications but as her maid of honour I promised to be there three months before the wedding to help with everything.

I fell asleep on his couch and promised to not to try and make this a habit.