Repressing Thoughts-J.D

-41-

I woke up before Josh so I went to make him pancakes, it was one of my favourite things to do now because I knew he loved them. He would get so excited when I made them and would look so happy. Josh's phone was sat on the counter so I moved it to the island so it didn't get in the way. I started making the pancakes but it was way too quiet so I turned on some music. I put on Twenty One Pilots because if you aren't your boyfriends biggest fan the are you a good girlfriend?

I heard the music turn off and felt two hands wrap around me, I smiled at his touch and passed him the pan so he could flip it. I switched the music back on and he groaned.

"It's weird if I listen to my own music" he laughed.

"I love your band! Just because you don't know the words" I teased, he stuck his tongue out in response. He served the pancakes up and we sat on the island to eat them.

"What do you want to do today?" He asked and I shrugged. He stabbed his pancakes before shoving a massive piece into his mouth. Meanwhile I was pouring syrup all over mine.

"Anything" I shrugged, he nodded and tried to think of what we could do.

"Did Lillie get home okay?" He asked, I nodded.

"Yeah she's fine, her and Shane are still getting married. Crisis averted" I explained.

"I can't believe she thought she was pregnant" he snorted, I shook my head at his immaturity.

"It's what sex is for so it could've happened. It can happen to anyone who's you know...active" I explained, he laughed and shook his head.

"Not while I'm eating my pancakes Sage, please" he chuckled.

I cleaned up the plates on the island which had a sink, Josh was sat on the couch watching something when his phone vibrated.

"Josh, phone" I called, he stood up and started to walk over. I picked up his phone to give it to him but then saw the message.

Same time next week? Xx- Debby

I froze. Debby. What were they doing every week together and why didn't I know about this? Josh gave me a funny look as I just started into space. He took the phone out of my hand and saw the text, he looked up at me and obviously wondered whether I had seen the text. I turned the tap off and turned my head to him, he gulped noticeably.

"What are you are Debby doing every week together Josh?" I asked, trying not to let my mind run wild. He just closed his eyes as if he was trying to teleport somewhere else. "Josh" I repeated as he just stood there in silence. It was as if he was coming up with his answer right in front of me.

"We just meet up for a drink once in a while" he said quietly. My blood started to boil, I looked away from him and felt the tears come on. I blinked them back so I was just angry, I felt like slapping him and punching him but then also begging him to just leave her alone and live a long happy life with me.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me?" I bursted. I shocked myself with that one. He looked so upset but I didn't care, I was angry and more upset so I deserved to have a go at him.

"I'm sorry I just didn't know how you would react" he explained, he was trying to act like he didn't know what he was doing and its not his fault.

"Josh, I think Debby is nice and I understand that she is important to you. I thought you knew this, you told me you knew this so why would you feel the need to lie to me?" I asked, he looked lost for words. Maybe he didn't know that I had accepted them and their friendship.

"I'm sorry" he mumbled.

"I don't want an apology Josh I want you to explain!" I shouted, he looked into my eyes.

"I meet up with her secretly because I know you'd lash out even though you say your fine with her you aren't and I know you aren't!" He shouted back.

"You still have to tell me!" I yelled.

"I don't want to upset you because believe it or not I don't aim to do that!" He fought.

"Well you've failed miserably then" I rolled my eyes.

"It's just a drink, a catch up, in the day time, in public and all we do is talk!" He defended.

"Oh sorry! Was I implying you did anything else?" I said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry but I can't just stop seeing a friend because you don't like her" He sassed.

"I don't care if you see Debby" I yelled.

"Well from this reaction, you obviously do!"

"You lied to me Josh! You'd say your at band practice or hanging with Tyler or whatever bullshit you say and then you go and meet your ex!" I screamed.

"Well when you put it like that..." he looked at the floor for inspiration of what to say next.

"What other way would you put it?!" I said angrily, this fight was different to all our others. Josh was standing his ground and hadn't realised how much this affected me.

"Meeting up with an old friend to catch up" he said nonchalantly. I shook my head violently.

"She's not just an old friend! She's an ex girlfriend who you were with for a year, you've slept with her numerous times and every time I look at her that's all I see" I explained, he shook his head.

"I love you, not her, you know this" his voice started to wobble as he started to worry.

"I think you love her as well" I confessed. He looked shocked as I spoke. I just wanted him to tell me the truth, I wanted him to tell me he loved me and only me but there was a slim chance of that.

"This is ridiculous" he muttered. I brought my hands up to my face as tears ran out of my eyes. I wanted him to defend himself, prove to me he doesn't love her; he does though.

"Oh my god, you do" I cried, he looked back at me and shook his head.

"No no no Sage." He tried to hold my hand but I moved away from him.

"I can't be with someone who loves someone else, it hurts too much" I cried, his eyes were filled with nothing but sadness.

"I don't love someone else" he lied, I shook my head and moved further away from him. Suddenly, something changed in him and he moved back from me. "I know what you're doing" he said as if he had just figured something out.

"Josh" I cried, I knew I probably was not going to be physically stable enough for what he was about to say.

"We have almost been dating a year, and that scares you. Your about to run away just like Jacob did to you because you are scared" he spat. He was obviously angry but I never expected him to say anything like that.

"I am nothing like Jacob!" I screamed.

"Are you not about to run away just before a big step in our relationship?" He asked.

"I am not running! I am moving myself away from certain heartbreak!" I yelled.

"I'm not going to break your heart Sage!" He defended.

"You already have Josh! You meet up with your ex behind my back, you consistently lie to me and you still love her!" I gathered what we had learnt today. He looked heartbroken.

"I don't love her" he cried desperately.

"If you didn't love her, you wouldn't feel the need to hide her away from me" I pointed out.

"You are just looking for a way to run from this relationship! Do you even love me at all?" He asked, he was crying now. I was absolutely fuming mad, how dare he question my love for him.

"Get out" I said at normal tone, my throat had started to hurt from all the yelling.

"If you make me leave I am not coming back" he challenged me. I was too mad and upset to think about anything he was saying anymore.

"Get out!" I yelled, he wiped the few stray tears from his eyes and gathered his things before slamming the door behind him. I burst into tears and collapsed onto the floor.

I had just lost my centre of happiness and here I was again at square one; my apartment.