Legends of Tomorrow One Shots

The Legend Kids and Cards Against Humanity

Cards Against the Legends

The Legend Kids were grounded. That's right. Grounded. You'd think with all of the lying parents and the parents selling their kids to demons, they'd be a little more understanding about their kids stealing the Waverider and cruising through time, trying to save the word from some evil psychopathic murderers.
So, the six Legend Kids and a couple of their friends were piled into one room in Oliver Queen's house. Yes, they were grounded, but Oliver didn't seem to know that meant to keep them away from each other. That was a mistake.
Kaleb, Ryan, Laurel, Catriona, Ethan, JJ, Ben, Samantha, and both Queen girls were sitting on the floor in the room, staring at the cards in their hands. The game was getting intense. Laurel had twice now threatened to kill Venus, who each time countered with, 'I don't even exist. You can't kill me.' Kaleb and Ryan were playing with the same hand of cards because they can't be even a foot away from each other without missing the other. Samantha was putting down really suggestive cards whenever it was JJ's turn. This was Cards Against Humanity but with how aggressively they played, you'd think it was Go Fish or something. What? They play a wild game of Strip Go Fish.
"Okay!" Ryan read the black card he put down and the white cards his friends had put down. "Do not fuck with me! I am literally seeing things from Hitler's perspective right now. That's...  strangely aggressive."
"I love it." Kaleb grinned, "I don't even need to read anymore. You win, Laurel."
"How did you know that was me?" Laurel frowned, taking the pile of cards.
"Nobody else here is that aggressive." Ryan pointed out. "But, really, Laurel? Hitler? That is very disrespectful."
"No, I literally am seeing things from his perspective. All illusions will be murdered. Sorry, Venus, you're gotta go."
"Well, if it's my time, it's my time." The younger of the Queen sisters shrugged. "Okay, your turn, Laurel."
Laurel put down a black card that said, 'You have my sword. And you have my bow. And my...!'
Each of her team members and their friends set down a card after plenty of consideration.
Laurel shuffled the cards, so she didn't know who put down which one and she looked at them, one by one. "You have my sword. And you have my bow. And my... Goat-Skin thongs. And my... sad little naked body. And my... firm buttocks. And my... one in a million tumor. And my... drunk pregnant women... You guys seriously have so many mental issues. And my... carbon monoxide poisoning...? And my... bomb grade uranium. And, last but not least my... homoerotic subplot. It's going to be hard to choose one considering you are all fucking idiots... I'm going to have to go with; You have my sword. And you have my bow. And my bomb grade uranium. Because homicide is one of my favorite things. But the goat-skin thong was definitely a close second.
"Fuck yea! Suck ass!" Jupiter Queen shouted, taking the pile of cards. "Come on, you idiots. Know who you are giving this choice to. If it's not murderous, she won't like it."
"Alright, your turn, Jupiter." Samantha brushed her hair away from her sunglasses, so it wasn't too hard to see even though they were inside and the light wasn't that bright, so it was hard to see, anyways.
"Okay, morons, during sex, I like to think about..."
"I would hope nothing. I do not need to know about your sex life." Venus groaned in disgust.
"Choose your cards carefully. You have no idea what I like to think about during sex."
"If it's me, I can truthfully tell you, the feeling is mutual." Laurel grinned at her making her twin brother mimic vomiting.
Jupiter just winked in response as everyone else set down their cards. "Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. During sex, I like to think about... a leather couch with a velvet dick-hole in it. I mean, not particularly but... whatever will happen will happen. During sex, I like to think about... turning into a blueberry, but who doesn't? During sex, I like to think about... the fear of erect penises... Ew. I literally can't even. Penises. That is, in fact, a fear I have. During sex, I like to think about... Russian homemade porn. Hell yea. During sex, like to think about... exit signs. Gotta get away from that sex. During sex, I like to think about... ALL THAT'S GOOD AND HOLY!! During sex, I like to think about... The Ghostbusters. And, during sex, I like to think about... racist ninjas."
"Well, Jupiter, what is it? What do you think about during sex?" Ethan asked.
"Probably Laurel." Catriona said, adding Laurel and Jupiter to her ship list.
"Or random things like blueberries. Who even put that one down?" JJ asked.
"Your dad." Kaleb, very maturely, responded.
"During sex, I like to think about... let's go with Russian homemade porn. It is the thing most likely to turn me on. But, clearly, you guys have some weird ass fetishes."
"Oh, yea, who doesn't?" Ryan asked.
"So... anyone here like to think about blueberries during sex?" Venus asked just as her mother opened the door.
"... What did I just walk in on?" Felicity's eyes were wide in horror.
"No! Mom! I don't think about blueberries during sex! Wait! No! I don't even have sex! I am the good child!" Venus covered her eyes in horror.
"Want to play Cards Against Humanity with us, Felicity?" Catriona asked.
"I... don't know. How do you play?" She walked in, looking down at the cards, curiously.
"Well, basically, it is a horrible game for horrible people. Someone picks a black hard and everyone else picks a white card to go with the black card. If your card gets chosen, you take the pile. By the way, the Russian homemade porn, that was me. Fuck you all!" Ben said, speaking up for the first time in a while.
"God, Ben... you're so quiet and... evil. I love you." Laurel grinned.
"I am always interested in broadening my horizon of intelligence." Felicity sat on between Samantha and Ben as Laurel handed her a couple white cards from the deck. "So, is it your turn now, Ben? To pick a black card?"
"Yes, it is." They set down a card that read, "But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you..."
After, once again, much consideration, everyone put a card down into the pile, even Felicity.
"Why would you invite our mother? Things are going to get so weird." Jupiter complained.
Ben giggled and read off of the first card, "But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you... My collection of high-tech sex toys. The fucking pilot furiously maturbating at 11,500'. That is dangerous. Superhero dildos. Are, literally, any of these not sexual? Tumblr. That would be a mistake. But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you... girl on girl on girl on gir on girl on guy on sheep... I am going to pretend this is a pyramid and not a furry orgy. Suicide petitions... I am with Laurel on this, guys, y'all fucking weird. Fresh cat urine... Professional horse fluffer...? Murder boner?"
"Yes, yes, allow me to show you my murder boner before I murder you," JJ nodded. "Anybody else get murder boners?"
There was an awkward silence before all of the teenagers burst into laughter. "Okay, okay, and the winner is... But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you... my collection of high-tech sex toys!" Ben cheered.
"That was mine!" Felicity flailed, excitedly. "Now I get to take the pile? This is how I win?"
"Oh, no... You're created a monster." Venus' eyes got wide.
"I am simultaneously horrified and intrigued. Now, I'm wondering, do you and Uncle Ollie typically role-play this in the comfort of your own room?" Laurel asked, looking up at her, curiously.
"Nope. I'm out." Jupiter and Venus stood up in unison and ran out of the room, quickly followed by everyone else besides Laurel and Felicity.
"What's got their panties in a twist? It was a simple question about your sex life." Laurel frowned in confusion.
And that, my friends, is how Cards Against the Legends... ruined everyone's lives. And they all had nightmares... for years to come.

~

This wonderfully hilarious one shot was written by my wonderfully splendid best friend and partner in crime. You can all thank her for her brilliance now.
Go check out her account (_-Geronimo-_) if you haven't already. She's great.